Summarise your sex life with pop culture quotes

... And that's when I had to admit I didn't have my pilot's license.

30. I recently had a great experience. While dressed up as a priest I got to walk past some teenagers (low teens) and comment on something with the statement "I'd go that like a Mother F---er". I have never felt so proud about getting the dirty eye from teenagers.

Just for fun, think of major pop culture quotes that can be applied to someone's sex life (not necessarily yours).

"Whatever you do, don't cross the streams."
- Ghost Busters

"But Luke, going in at that speed, do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"
- Star Wars - A New Hope

"I thought these these things smelt bad... on the outside...."
- Star Wars - The Empire Strikes Back.

"How can the same shit happen to the same guy twice..."
- Die Hard 2

"Did we get paid?"
- Serenity


I had more in my head walking home, but a wave of tiredness has hit me. Tah.

Nerds say the darnest things

... And that's how I lost my cojoined twin...

• 29. I have recently begun a campaign to get myself into shape. I found out that in 30 minutes I can cycle (on an exercise bike I recently got) about 14 km. So from now on I am going to cycle every day, adding .1 of a kilometer every day, so it gradually increases. I give it two months before I give up on this.

To those of you uninitiated, I give you, Bash.Org. Type it in, and enjoy.

It is a collection of internet chat quotes ranging from the random, to the inane, to the genuinely witty, to the metahumourish. Here are a collection from the top 100.

DeadMansHand: haha, last night, me and pete went out to celebrate his engagement and got hugely drunk
DeadMansHand: we got this great idea to bury eachother in the sand close to the water and see who would chicken out first
DeadMansHand: took about a half hour, but the water got up to my face so i freaked and got out
DeadMansHand: i looked around for pete and he must've chickened out before me and stumbled home or something heh
DeadMansHand: What'd he say when he woke up this morning?
Thirteen-: uhh.. he hasn't come home yet.. i thought he was staying with you?DeadMansHand: holy fuck.
DeadMansHand: i fucking hope im wrong about what im thinking right now
DeadMansHand: im fucking going back to the beach to make sure
DeadMansHand: if he gets home, call me, i don't want to be worrying about this
Thirteen-: will do. you better hope he's not still buried, you'll be in deep shit.
quit: (DeadMansHand)
Tyran: wtf? pete came home last night you fuck. Ken's going to be worrying about this shit all day
Thirteen-: haha yea, but it will be fun while it lasts
join: (PeteRepeat) (bob@3F8C4655.11D1C8C.18637D35.IP)
PeteRepeat: fucking ken
PeteRepeat: ken... that fucker buried me in the sand last night, i ran off about 5 minutes to it, left him there to be an idiot
quiqsilver: pete, ken didn't come back last night, i thought he was with you.
PeteRepeat: oh fuck.
PeteRepeat: if ken shows up, make sure he doesn't know that im at the beach digging for his body. i don't want him to think i care or anything.
quit: (PeteRepeat)
Thirteen-: rofl. Those 2 are going to get a huge surprise when they meet at the beach.
Tyran: i can't beleive how perfect their timing was

anamexis: oh man
anamexis: I was opening a coke, right
--> Beefpile (~mbeefpile@cloaked.wi.rr.com) has joined #themacmind
anamexis: and it exploded
anamexis: ALMOST all over my keyboard
anamexis: but I got it away just in time
-- Beefpile has quit (sick fuckers)
anamexis: :<

DragonflyBlade21: A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.

Night-hen-gayle: I gotta go. There's a dude next to me and he's watching me type, which is sort of starting to creep me out. Yes dude next to me, I mean you.

JonTG: Man, my penis is so big if I laid it out on a keyboard it'd go all the way from A to Z
JonTG: wait, shit

[TN]FBMachine: i got kicked out of barnes and noble once for moving all the bibles into the fiction section

Alright, now that my job has been done for me by a website, I'm going to go plan the two Halloween costumes I need this week.

Road to authority!

... And that is why I don't have foreskin anymore.

• 28. I have an obsession with trying to find odd things to do, hoping they will catch on. I'm trying to get 'Station' to be used as vernacular for 'cool'. Ask me about 'The Game' sometime.

Not really a nerdy post, but this is something I want to get out there.

Ladies and gentlemen, fake your quotes and see how long before someone calls you on it.

It always bothers me when someone will start quoting a relatively famous historical figure, using it as proof that their way of thinking is right. To me it just says "I am letting someone else justify my point of view, rather then justifying it myself".

The thing is, unless what you say is completely out of character for that historical figure, or the arguement is on the internet where they can do a search for it, you will almost NEVER be called on making up a quote. The game is to press it further and further, making up worse and worse quotes, just to see how long before the person is willing to call the quote. Or, if you REALLY want to push the envelope, just make up people to quote. It won't work in situations dealing with an expert on the field you're making up, but for most people they won't know enough to challenge you.

Some made up quotes for use. Think up your own, and make them up on the spot. Make up a quote supporting your position, then attribute it to someone famous.

"If man understood woman, the population would dramatically increase. If woman understood man, the population would dramatically shrink"

"To understand science is to know the world. To understand music is to know the soul. To understand philosophy is to know you know nothing."

"I disagree with everything you just said"

Most important is who to attribute to your quote. Here are some possibilities.

Ghandi
Voltaire
Mark Twain (he said f-ing EVERYTHING)
Socrates
Plato
Machiavelli
Hume
Einstein
Tesla
Sarte

Some names NEVER to attribute to your quote, since it just makes it lose all credibility
Hitler
Jesus
Aristotle
Mario

A riddle

... And that's when I returned his vibrating razor.

27. When it comes to gossip, I am a hypocrite. I tell myself I don't want to know, but then I listen in like a bitch the moment anything's being said about people. I'm an information whore.

What is 12,000 words, 28 pages, and a mark of both shame and pride?

The pen and paper based roleplaying rule system I came up with over the past four days.

I probably shouldn't talk about it too openly, after all this is nerdy on an EXTREME level. EXTREME. Seriously, writing your own roleplaying rule system is worse then writing Star Trek Fan Fiction. Goddamnit, I have no pride at the moment.

... Except in the rule system. Seriously, I like this thing. It's complex enough to cover most eventualities, but not so complex it takes hours to play out.

General overview of the system? Why, thank you for asking hypothetical audience who may or may not read this far into the post.

In general, it's basically a system of opposing dice rolls. It designed to play out Hong-Kong style martial arts action, in the modern world or the ancient world, or even a fantasy martial arts world. There is no realism in this thing. The average statistic value for anything (Strength, agility, durability, perception, etc) is 2. The stats go all the way up to 10, with a strength of 9 being classed as "capable of punching a castle gate down with his bare hands".

So... Yeah. I am such a bad geek it terrifies me. Well, never know, I may somehow end up making a living off my jack of all geeks status somehow. Here's hoping I do.

A rare species spotted.

... And so in conclusion, you are very hot and you're welcome to it anytime you want.... Wait a second, did you say you wanted to borrow my big SOCK or my big C-... Ooohhh... Sorry.

26. I have a bad habit of starting to write things and not finishing them. I have at least a half dozen writing projects of numerous types started on my hard drive, and dozens more I've thought of and never got around to putting on paper.

Short post today. Just sharing something incredibly awesome on youtube.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pnmEu6X5P04&feature=related

So, apparently the geek appreciator isn't just a dream.

Oh, and FYI in case she ever sees this blog. I am TOTALLY stealing that proposal idea. If I'm getting married in the future, I want it to be to a classy lady who would allow me to go on one knee, stab the sword I'm carrying into the grass, bow my head and propose.

Bo yeah.

Only thing that'd make it more awesome is if she's wearing Storm Trooper armour while it's happening.

Never let the truth get in the way of a good story

... So this huge giant robot fell on me. Thankfully I woke up seconds before the impact. My beautiful girlfriend rolled over in the bed and checked I was ok. After I said I was, she fell on me. Unfortunately I woke up seconds before the impact.

• 25. I am incredibly awful at telling if something is true or not if it's delivered in a deadpan tone.

One of my favourite non-quotes is "Never let the truth get in the way of a good story". To that end I now wish to collect a bunch of stories that could be true (and would be awesome if they were), but unfortunately are not.

George Foreman lost his fingerprints in a grilling accident. There was no problem until he tried to travel around inside the US, and at one point they needed to get his fingerprints.
(This one was the work of Ross Noble. For a few weeks it was spread around the world as a real fact).

Credit Cards, when first invented, were limited to a single small area around where they were issued, and worked partially on the honour system.

The shortest ever name for a theatrically released American movie was a lesser known sequel to "Them!" simply called "Us!"

J.R.R. Tolkein received initial inspiration for The Hobbit and it's world from a concussion he received in the War. The concussion was caused by friendly fire.

Dungeons and Dragons, the pen and paper based roleplaying game, was originally based in the future, and called "Lightyears and Lasers"

Queen Victoria, despite being well known as dying a virgin, has been recently found by her own diaries to have never worn undergarments while in court.

The Author of Conan had Nazi leanings, as evidenced by the racist ideas present in his writing.

Sir Francis Drake was infamous in his era for having a very effeminate voice

The name 'Sheath', where soldiers in Medieval times put their swords, came from the Latin for vagina

The native inhabitants of America originally brewed marijuana in a coffee like drink


Ladies and gentlemen, one of the above is true. Try to guess.

You are all idiots

... And that's when the firemen showed up to pry me out of the ladies'- Oh hey, didn't see you there.

• 24. One of my grand ambitions in life is to own a set of stormtrooper armour I can wear. It may cost US$3,500, but I am going to make enough money and be fit enough to wear one, one day. ... One day...

I mean it. Every single one of you is an idiot.

When I look out my window, I see half a population that is below average (a statistical fact, just hinged on what 'average' is). But that has absolutely no bearing on the following stats from the institute of "Talking out of my arse".

Of the population I have social contact with:
75% of you will have too few factors of social connection and similarity to allow conversation that
remains non-awkward for more then ten minutes.
50% of that will have views on the matter too different to mine to hold in place any real social friendship
Of that, 75% will be enjoyable enough if met in the bar for a drink, but not really compatible enough to chase down if they're not available.

Out of an initial population of 100 hypothetical people, that leaves 3.125 (rounded down to 3) people who would be considered most awesome of mates who are not real idiots.

And even then, the people we likes are still idiots.

They're just idiots of a sort we don't mind/enjoy.

I want you to do something for me. Next person you talk to, tell them that you're an idiot, and tell them why.

"Hey there. I'm an idiot. I'm socially too shy, horrible at picking up on body language unless genuinely thinking about it, far too interested in nerdy things which affects my interest in actual practical things of life, and otherwise easily distracted with a weird sense of humour. How are you an idiot?"

Embrace the idiot. You'll find a fun idiot is better company then the tiny portion of the world that isn't an idiot.

Let's be nerdy about booze

... And that's when I pooped a hammer.

• 23. I've never actually pooped a hammer.
  

I am many kinds of nerd. One that I rarely discuss is that I am, officially, an undergrad in social science. I am going to use this appeal to authority today to lecture to you all about the implications of alcohol. Not the negative social connotations and evocations it has, nor the horrible health effects. I am going to talk about the social imagery of alcohol.

BEER: The working class of booze. It is the old reliable, so in the mainstream people can have a 'quiet beer' without any form of preamble or reason aside from two people who haven't seen each other since Thursday running into one another. In general you have three kinds of beer drinkers.
1. The "I'll have a beer" type, who just have a drink because it's the normal social thing to do. They may have a prefered brand, but if someone plonks a VB down in front of them they won't really complain. It's not the Beer they're out for, it's the company.
2. The "I'll have a (brand)" type, who is the distinguished connoiseur of beer. They know which brands they like, and they've sampled exclusively. They can say why Wheat beer is better, compare German and Polish beers and, most importantly, know what they DON'T like. They are the beer snob.
3. The "I'll have whatever" type. They drink beer because it's what they've always drunk, they want to drink, and they don't realise you can drink other stuff. They don't care what it is, but for very different reasons to type 1.

WINE: Wine has a very, very specific two types of clientelle. There is an element of poshness to it initially, but that can rapidly be undermined.
1. The 'sophisticated' drinker. They're not drinking to get drunk (but there's a 50/50 chance that'll happen), and they don't want anything that'll 'hurt' to drink, but they do want to loosen up a little.
2. The 'Wine is cheaper' drinker. They get it in a goon box. What more needs to be said.

STRAIGHT SPIRITS: A rarity nowdays. The vast majority of people who drink spirits fall into the next category. Usually a 'straight spirits' drinker is someone who wishes to stand out as different from the pack. They have it straight up and they proudly display that fact. They for some reason think this makes it either 'better' or more impressive then drinking it with something else in the glass, even though it's still the exact same drink.

MIXED SPIRITS: A very simple mix (X alcoholic drink with Y non-alcoholic drink). They're the partiers. They're not drinking for the taste so much as the tipsy. They want to be intoxicated, relax and be cool. Their drink has more alcohol in it then beer, since it's usually a shot of a spirit mixed with something that makes it easier to drink (and drink quickly) and they know it.

COCKTAILS: Very rare to start a night with this, but a cocktail drinker is someone after something different (either different for themselves, or to seem different to everyone else). Usually they want something flashy (which is the very nature of the cocktail, to spend a large amount of money on something that does the job no better then a double scotch), and so are practically begging people to ask "What's that you're drinking?"

Great porn star names

.... So then these day ENORMOUS bouncers walk over, look at the position me and her are in, and say.... Oh hey, I didn't see you there, what's happening? I'm just telling (insert person's name here) about my time in Hamberg.

• 22. I was once propositioned by a German Prostitute in Hamberg. I was a little 'refreshed' as I and a friend were walking through the place, being shown around by a local. An absolutely STUNNING young lady of ill repute walked up, put her hand on my shoulder and said something in German, with a number of similar women behind her (apparently the 'refreshed' tourist speaking English is a good mark). I responded with "Ich niche spreche Deutche" (which apparently translates as 'I speak not German), to which she replied "That's ok, I speak English." I don't know if I should curse or thank the two guys I was with for dragging me away.

I did this post primarily to get my post count up, but partially just to see if I can get any comments.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is your divine duty to, with this post, comment with your own Adult Movie star names. I'm not talking that "name of your first pet as first name, and the street you were born on as your second" crap, but genuinely GOOD names you can come up with.

Here are my contributions.

Rich Handsome
Bolt Lightning.

Your turn.

EDIT: ADDITIONAL: Since you all seem to be winding up here, here's the scoop. I don't know why, in the past week and two days, you all seem to have decided that apparently there's some awesome adult site called "Nerdgasm.org", but the number of you dropping in looking for porn has doubled my blog hits. Normally I'd be ecstatic, but to be honest I feel kinda skeevy getting this many hits from people looking for breasts.

There is. No. Porn. Here.

Spread the word.

Geek Cred

... So... yeah... That thing I just told you I did? Don't do that mate. It really burns y- Oh hey I didn't see you there.

• 21. I am 21 and a bit years old. When I was 16 I assumed 18 was the age you started really maturing psychologically. When I was 18 I assumed it was 21. Now I'm 21 and I am assuming it's 25. If I get to 25 and STILL don't see the purpose of lawns, going to 'sales' for things I wouldn't have bought in the first place, redecorating (with anything other then "That is a WICKED pirate flag.") or going out NOT to get drunk, I am just abandoning ALL assumptions about life.

There are many levels of geek. It is a fact I am accutely aware of, especially when my WoW playing friends occasionally wince when I say I'm a roleplayer, or people look at me like I'm mad when I tell them I'm not interested in the new Red Alert game. If you're an internet geek, there's a 1 in 4 chance you've seen the Geek-chart (http://readitordont.com/galaxy/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/geekchartbig.gif).

What so many people don't know is that that is just scratching the surface. Geekiness is more then an aspect of who you are. It is a way of life. And by that standard, my friends, we are all nerds. Who in our lives doesn't have some factoid they know bizarrely huge amounts about. Computers, gaming, comics, movies, sports, cars, the list goes on and on, we are all nerds about something.

But that makes it odd. For just as music is a part of everyone's lives and has seperated into various strata (mainstream, alternative, indie, etc), so too does geekiness. For my point, I will focus upon electronic gaming. Put your hands up if you're a nerd because you like Halo. Now half of you put your hands down. You're not nerds. The kid who made his own Master Chief costume out of alfoil and cardboard can leave his hand up. As can people who've gotten tattooes of Master Chief. You know why, people who had to put their hands down? because you're not a nerd. You're someone who likes an INCREDIBLY mainstream game. You have no geek cred.

Aha, and now we come to the title. Geek Cred. It's not something to be proud of, to be honest, but we all have it. It's an ultimate contradiction, a mix of "Well at least the geek stuff I like isn't as bad as the geek stuff he likes" and "you sad, sad little person. I can't believe you've never heard of Mount and Blade, an excellent indie game."

Did you all notice that? "My geek stuff isn't as geeky as his geek stuff", mixed with "I'm a bigger geek about it then you."

The easiest way I find to visualise the geek cred chart is to imagine a circle. On this circle, around the edge, are points, each point coresponding to a particular geekiness, and from each point radiating out in a straight line from the centre are the stages of geekiness in that particular field. The closer you are to 'north' on this circle, the less geeky you are. If you fall on the equator of the circle, you are neutral. Above the equater your geekiness is accepted/useful.

Some fields are geeky from the get go. I'm sorry, but at no stage in life can love for Star Trek be called anything other then non-geeky. Star Wars, on the other hand, as a mainstream movie, has fans who are not as geeky. So in that way I would position Star Wars at just below the equator line, while Star Trek is beneath it.

"Just below the equator line? Are you nuts? Have you SEEN those guys who have ACTUAL storm trooper outfits!?"

Yes I have seen them, and I want one.

That is the beauty of the chart. Since the only real measurement in the chart is how far above or below the equator you are, and your geekiness is measured on the straight line of the up-down axis. Notice, if you will, that even if you start JUST below the middle line, by the time you would be on the FAR outer edges (well beyond the scale of the above diagram. E.G. Comparing a 'casual Harry Potter book fan' with "I run Harry Potter roleplaying game where I created the rules for all the spells and have fantasies about Hermine... Hemrinone... Hermaninonie... However her name is spelt), you have drifted FAR beyond the line of acceptibility in normal conversation.

So how do we justify it to ourselves when we occupy a level beneath the equator (which is where I live, incidently, both physically and... spiritually)? Geek Cred.

You're not an online gaming geek unless you've played an MMO and invested MANY hours into it at some point in your life. You're not a gaming geek unless you know that Team Fortress originated as a mod. You're not a music geek unless you turn your nose up at punk band 'covers' where they play the exact same song, just alot faster and out of tune. You're not a fantasy geek unless you can discuss how Tolkein's works formed the basis for the modern fantasy story. You're not a Star Wars geek unless you know how many Lightsaber styles there are. You're not an Eastern RPG geek unless you've earned a Golden Chocobo. You're not a Western RPG geek unless you know what THAC0 stands for.

If you know that, you have cred.

As well as an aspect of your life you fear to share with the world.

If you are given millions of dollars and told to make a game...

... And to this day, I cannot say the word PewsNaper. I mean Nepspawer. I mean Papsnaper. Damnit, I can't say the word.

• 20. I am a severely forgetful individual. I lose track of time incredibly easily, regularly sit down to do something and forget totally what it was I was meant to do when a shiney thing is visible, and generally never remember to get things done. There are two things I remember. Stories and faces. I can recall story lines to movies I haven't seen in years, and within four scenes can usually remember if I've seen a TV show, even if it hasn't been for years.

So, I recently played Neverwinter Nights 2. The gameplay's alright, and the sheer variety of characters possible excites me in ways only an RPG nerd can be excited ("Muah ha ha, who shall I play today? Ninja-like Monk? Chaotic Evil Sorcerer? Lawful Evil Blackguard? Warlock with no regard for anything but himself? Criminal swashbuckler with a heart of gold? Quiet woodland warrior?"), which are both major bonus'.

The problem, the REAL problem, is the story. I come up with dozens of characters I want to try and play, but that involves going through the story time and time again. If I didn't sympathise or like ANY of the country bumpkin morons in my country bumpkin village no one cares about (yet everyone's heard of in regards to how hardy the inhabitants are) the first time round, why the hell would I sympathise with them fifth time round? I think I'm gravitating towards evil characters just because I get to be rude to the bastards.

Oh, and story writers, FYI, if your young protagonist lives in a small village in the middle of nowhere at the start of the plot, EVERYONE KNOWS you're going to have it destroyed to make the struggle for the world more 'personal'.

No, wait, I told a lie before. The story is mediocre. It's an average tale of a grand ancient evil awakening and you alone have the power to stop it, yada yada. Not great, but passable. What the REAL problem is, is the presentation. A bad story can be excused with good presentation. This game has astonishingly bad presentation. It feels like they came up with an average plot, lengthened it out with dozens of COMPLETELY pointless 'story extenders' ("Oh, I'm sorry, before we let you to meet up with some old guy who'll be very little help, we need you to drive the criminals away from the docks, strike at their lairs in the merchant quarter, and wage war on the Orc tribes in the mountains"), badly recorded half the lines of dialogue and said "Let's call it an early day."

Yes, you read that right. They badly recorded HALF the lines. Not even the whole thing. Either do them ALL or do none. I don't care if it would take another DVD to fit them all on, all or none. Little is more jarring and interrupts the flow of the story more like half the lines being audible and the other half not. It just makes it seem like the unrecorded dialogue is OBVIOUSLY less important, and you don't need to pay attention. But, oh, wait, THIS line is recorded so it must be vital to the plot. It's practically holding up a sign saying "If you zone out here, it won't matter."

And those lines that were recorded? Part of me wonders if they had an actual machine that MADE the lines monotone. The 'hard but loving' father figure talks like he's a 60 year old man reading the weather out loud from the paper in the park, even when there rages battle around him. The Elven Wizard with the 'biting wit' couldn't deliver an insult if it was wrapped up with a stamp on it. And finally, finally, saving the worst for last. The end cutscene narrator. He had NEVER been heard before that I could recall, and was the worst possible choice. Seriously, no, just fucking no. You do NOT want to hear about how all your companions were trapped under the falling rubble never to be seen again by a guy who sounds like he should be resenting being assigned to read out the bingo scores in a church. When the monotonistic economics lecturer is the one informing you of the fate of the known world after your victory over the King of Shadows, it sort of takes the edge off your hard fought victory.

In summary: If you're telling a story, tell it PROPERLY.

I am ashamed of being a geek

... And so, I now have a pathological fear of geese and foam, but am strangely aroused by foamy geese.

• 19. My life seems to be going fine, I'm relaxed, calm, enjoying myself. But around me people are going through rough patches. Being robbed, stresses in things that are supposed to be enjoyable, relationship difficulties, stress beyond the call of duty at work, and worse. There's nothing wrong with me and I feel like a prick because of it.

I am a nerd, a geek, a dweeb, etc etc. This is evident by looking at the name, I'd like to think. But as proud as I am about my nerd-stats (level 11 Geek/9 Nerd), in real life I am incredibly ashamed of it and only mention it to people I have met many times and know quite well. The most someone I hardly know will get is "Well, I'm a bit of a nerd", which is usually followed by "Oh my god, so am I. I spend so long looking at things on Youtube and facebook".

... That is not nerd. Nowdays that is called "middle class".

Come back when you can tell me what "THAC0" stands for, or that you realise that last letter is a zero, not an O.

I am a geek. I've number crunched RPG character builds. I've weighed up the pros and cons of Dungeons and Dragons version 3, 3.5 and 4. If the option was available, I would LARP (Live Action RolePlay), I know what LINUX is, I know how many different primary lightsaber fighting styles there are, and can discuss them with some accuracy, I felt incredibly sad when I found out the actor for G'kar from Babylon 5 was dead, I know the chemical properties of being drunk, I have TOYS in my room, my average night in involves either planning a solo assault against an enemy base or plotting out the invasion of my Danish warriors on Europe.

I am a nerd.

And I am ashamed. A hot girl who doesn't seem nerdy asks me what my hobbies are, I'll say "Movies and drinking with mates", instead of "I've watched every single one of my extensive DVD collection with commentary where available, and I'm planning a Lord Of The Rings drinking game night".

Don't look at me.

A great big shout out to my visitors from Syracuse, America

... So that is why I refuse to enter petrol stations without at least a lockpick and something flamable on me.

• 18. Although I like to think of myself as more of an abstractive sort of person (it's complicated to explain) I crave empirical measurements of quality, as the following post will show. It comes from studying sociology, where simplified factors like "X number of people agree with this statement" carry weight.

As I mentioned, MANY posts ago (back in those heady days of blissful ignorance, when a young bloggers thoughts might turn to fulfilling a niche of love, respect and authority through anonymous posts claiming a class I do not possess to an audience I will never know) I have installed 'google analytics' on this blog. Through that I know that the majority of visits to this blog are, most likely, me. While that acts as a metaphorical kick in the teeth, the amusement found in these statistics give me some salve for the wound.

I have had a rather low number of unique visitors (and if you wish to remedy this, feel free to link to post you enjoy from the past), of which a large number are people expecting some form of entertainment for free (because I have been in fact linked by a friend who runs a site where people can download such things) or through some random process I don't understand. (A big shout out to my readers in Syracuse, who've visited twice)

I have had 30 visits from the US, of which 24 have been from a city a friend of mine lives in, and presumably are him. That leaves six unaccounted for, which seem to come from ALL OVER the US. (HELLO ATLANTIC BEACH).

But perhaps more troubling and unusual are the international visits. There was a guy (or potentially girl) from Saudi Arabia who was checking my site out for SIX MINUTES. -I- don't even look at this thing for that long, and I WRITE it.

Let's just list off some of the countries I've had visits from:
Saudi Arabia
Venezuela
The UK
Netherlands
Poland
Malaysia
Bangladesh
And most unusual of all, Canada!

Though, since I can't leave this post on anything other then a weak joke: I have had 69 visits from Australia.

High five.

Will someone please tell game designers...

... And that is the story of why I am both banned from the Gym, and have recurring nightmares about being engufled by a tide of wrinkles.

• 17. I have a special place in my heart for quick wit. If people can demonstrate genuine quick wit (not particularly malicious, intelligent humour made up on the spur of the moment) then I am in awe of them.

That they are NOT writers.

I'm currently playing Neverwinter Nights 2, and enjoying the gameplay. It's a decent game, don't get me wrong, it's good value.

It's. Just. So. Badly. Written.

Seriously, this game doesn't have a story, it has a series of bad guy encounters bereft of plot thinly tied together by backstory and geography.

Still, time to go back to playing it. It's enjoyable if you skip the cutscenes and ignore the stupid party members.

So says Wade Wilson

... And so kids, that's why peeling Onions, going to the bathroom without washing your hands, and receiving head doesn't mix. It leaves a REALLY bad impression when you're turned on by a crying woman going down on you.

• 16. When I joined Facebook I was forced to categorise my political stance. I'm a bit of a lefty by nature, but in general I think the phrase that best summed it up is "Apathetic Naysayer". Basically I think the whole thing is crap, but I don't care enough to 'fight the system'.

Just because this link needs to be put up everywhere a geek may read at any point in their life.

http://wadewilson.livejournal.com/11285.html

Pretendy fun-time games. Bitch.

50 posts, and I'm running out of things to say

... I spat the drink out, starring incredulously at the bartender. "What did you say was in this!?" I demanded, to which he replied innocently "Vodka and urine, mate. Don't worry, it's not mine." "Oh, that's ok then" I said, sipping what was left in the glass.

• 15. One of the first things that really brought to my attention the differences between Australia, England and America are the comedians. While there are obvious examples outside the box, the large majority I've observed follow a simple pattern. American comedians get by through wacky antics, Australian comedians usually have a certain energy and eagerness, and English comedians usually act more reserved. The funny thing about me noticing all this is I can't deliver a joke for shit.

So, 50 posts. And of them probably half actually have a point, of those half probably deliver their point well, and of those probably none are relevant or interesting.

So, I finally jumped on the bandwagon and joined facebook. Since I find myself so far behind the curve, I'm left wondering what sort of social mores and rules exist, and very hesitant to break them.

Who am I supposed to add as a friend? Just close acquaintences? People who I'd be willing to buy a drink? People who I once did that awkward "nearly-walked-into-you-but-stopped-in-time-so-I'll-go-left-but-oh-ho-you-went-that-way-too-I'll-go-right-and-hey-you-went-right-too" dance with in the street and never have seen again? Apparently my brother has upward of 300 people on Facebook, and says he probably wouldn't recognise half of them for a good minute if he met them a second time. Am I allowed to add hot women I've met in a class at Uni and never talked with again, to try and trick my friends into thinking everyone I know is a babe?

What about wall comments and private messages? Are they to be used in an email-like fashion (Dear XYZ, regarding your message of August the 16th, 'yes'. Sincerely, Stephen) or should I be adopting an instant messenger-like premise? (Three thousand messages, half of which consist of "lol im in ur noun verbing ur noun")

Apparently my lack of profile picture is an evil act falling somewhere between murder and hosting late night quiz shows, but the only picture of me on the internet lacks pants, which in itself provides a moral dilemma. No picture, or low quality nude shot?

How often am I supposed to change my status? Is it only for dire situations (Stephen is bleeding profusely) or should I just put in whatever I feel like? (10:15 - Stephen is itchy in the crotch. 10:16 - Stephen is scratching his crotch. 10:18 - Stephen is wondering if he needs to see a doctor. 10:22 - Stephen is calling that nasty skank who gave him this.)

What is the ettiquete? I'm a nerd, I'm supposed to have an instinctive knowledge of this rubbish?