Booyah! Lance to the face!

Failed invention number 16A7: Crotchless chastity belt.

• 56. For me, things like movies and books are escapism. That's why I dislike reading or watching movies based on real life events. Yes, I know it's amazing that this stuff "Actually happened!" but I read books and watch movies because I want to avoid things that "actually happen".

Ever heard of the game "Mount and Blade". No? No surprise. It's an Indie title. I have a sneaking suspicion I've at least mentioned it before, but I'll do so again, 'cause I'm a maverick, see?

Go download the demo. Part of me wants to see it done in a big studio, but part of me knows that would ruin alot of it.

There is something unbelievably awesome about ordering your 30 infantry and 20 arches into a specific formation and leading a group of 20 cavalry on a charge into the middle of the enemy formation to buy your troops time to prepare themselves. Lances slash through the middle ranks, bodies propelled into the air by the force of the impact. Your own lance impacts heavily with the enemy commander, smashing him off his horse. To your right a spear-point thrusts up and catches one of your men at arms in the shoulder, knocking him out of the saddle and leaving him still upon the ground. Your horsemen start getting bogged down, you can see it as you lay out left and right with your bastard sword. With a mighty roar you shout for your horsemen to flee back to the formation. You take with you a bare half of the soldiers that made the charge, but in your wake as your men gallop off lay twice that number of broken infantry.

The enemy cavalry give chase. Just as they're starting to catch up, outnumbering your men two to one, you crest the hill and a hail of crossbow bolts fly past, narrowly missing you. To your right you see a mounted knight taking a bolt to the head and collapse out of the saddle, the horse continuing at it's gallop, unaware it's owner is no longer a factor. You shout for the cavalry to follow you and you turn, slashing through the mere fraction of the previously pursuing horsemen, finishing them off just in time to see the infantry of the enemy crest the hill, another hail of bolts welcoming them.

Your horsemen gallop behind your lines, you in tow. You watch as the enemy numbers wittle away as they advance, shields catching most of the incoming projectiles but not enough of them. By the time they make it to your infantry, it's only three of them for every two of you.

Perfectly fine odds.


Do I have too much time on my hands? God yes.


P.S. Just what IS the Facebook ettiquette? Can you just add ANYONE? Someone I don't know throws their Facebook stuff up in a public place (not just a public place, but an announcement place), would it be rude/weird to Friend-request them?

Hell, I don't even like Friend-requesting people I know. I feel all weird, not sure if I'm just supposed to add people I've bumped into, or what. I know I've brought this up before, but it's an agonising question for me. I see people I know on Facebook, but I don't know if I should add just everyone. After all, I'm a Faceboslut, I update my status at everything.

"Stephen Richard has an itch"
"Stephen Richard is aching in places he didn't know were supposed to ache"
"Stephen Richard thinks he's done this joke before, but he doesn't cause, since he's a maverick see."
"Stephen Richard is comfortable in talking in the third person."

Let's be controversial for the sake of it

A second blog post inside of an hour. I'm on fire, ladies and gents!

• 55. I suck at languages. The only language other then English I know anything of is German, and that's because I spent two weeks there. All I can say in that is "ein bier danke" (One beer thank you) "bitte shon" (you're welcome) and "gutten tag, niche spreche zie Deutche" (Good day, I speak not the German)

This has nothing to do with nerdiness, you've already had a post on that today, so don't be greedy.

Can SOMEONE explain to me what Thanks-Giving is meant to be about? As an Australian I have not, nor do I believe I ever will, understood it or participated in it.

Can someone just please explain to me what it's purpose is? It's meeting up with your family and having a big dinner (that apparently induces fatigue in people who eat it) on a day that props up an entire faction in the meat industry. This same family who you would avoid like the plague most other days of the year, you smile at, engage pleasentries you really don't mean, giving them well wishes, smiling benignly while thinking "You just spent the last 30 minutes complaining about the family members who couldn't make it, now you're going to go to them and complain to them about the rest of us". Then when they're finally gone, when the relatives have up and left your sight, granting you respite from the company of people you wouldn't have anything to do with if you didn't share genes, you realise you've got to go get Christmas presents for the bastards!

"It is a holiday where you give thanks." What? I don't need a holiday for that! I do that every day!

"Oh thank the force I managed to get here in time for the bus"
"Thanks for giving me a lift, I owe you one"
"Thank you for your mediocre service, underpaid worker of McDonalds"
"Thank you for this divine beer, awesome bartender."
"Thank christ I survived that hangover in one piece."

I don't NEED a day where I'm obliged to thank people, it's like the Valentine's day of gratitude, except with large plates of food instead of cards and public displays of affection.

So Thanksgiving day is where we gather with people (who we have nothing but genes in common with), eating food (which I do normally) and giving thanks (that isn't deserved).

You can keep that Holiday, America. I'm going to sit back and enjoy Beer Friday, thank you.

I want a future-office

I Rick-Rolled a bunch of people in a karaoke lounge. If that isn't a joke I don't know what is.

• 54. I am a horrible singer. Really. Repulsive. But get me drunk and I won't stop.

I would like to introduce you to this guy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jd3-eiid-Uw

Also known as THE GREATEST THING SINCE SLICED BREAD. In capitals. And what TGTSSB is here to share with us is, quite simply, the future.

I have a new ambition in life. In this ambition, I am to become successful and rich (an ambition common, but this is only part of it), I am then going to set up an office with this guy's technology. Look through TGTSSB's various Youtube videos, and I think you can see where I'm going with this.

I am going to become successful, rich, set up an office, and in this office I am going to get this guy to set up for me INCREDIBLY AWESOME FUTURE OFFICE.

When I sit down at my desk I'll put on my office-specs and look at my 3d desktop, using my gloves-with-IR-dots to select things and manipulate stuff instead of a mouse, using multiple fingers to resize windows and select multiple things. Then when I get employees in to do a presentation I'll be able to do that with a pair of laser-pointers with the screen projected on a huge wall.

I am going to do all this, despite not having any business worthy of an office. Let alone an office that feels like it could be part of an early 90's "Based in the near future" action movie.

Why would I do this then, you ask?

Because it will give me a nerdgasm.

We are one step closer to the holographic display Tony Stark/Robert Downey Jr. uses in Iron Man. Although the funny thing about that, if you linked the Wii-remote VR display TGTSSB uses with good old fashion 3d specs (one red one blue) 'technology' you could get a pseudo 3d desktop.

Gah, I'm looking for a link I saw a little while back. It showed a recent invention where a japanese company had worked out how to make things that weren't there feel 'present'. It worked by vibrating the air molecules in such a way that they felt like they were there. It was still air, so you could put your hand through it, but it had resistance. Link that with all the above technology, and you've got an office so high-tech that Area 51 would be visiting you for ideas.

I have reached new heights of boredom (or is it depths?)

... And I saw one of the wise men leaning out of his vans at my pre-pubescent body, before he whispered. "We've got some gold, frankenscence and myr in here, if you'd like it, little boy. We think you're very very special." I called the police and had them arrested.

• 53. My fondest hope is that scientists find an economically viable minable material on another planet. The only way humans are gonna get interplanetary space travel is if there's some money making reason behind it. It's unfortunate, but in my view it's true.

Short post today

In my boredom, I have written overly 100,000 words in the past couple of months (not counting this blog).

I've written a comic book script, a comic book proposal overview, a movie script, part of a novel, a huge amount of a set of RPG rules, and now I've reached a new height.

I've written a comedy song.

I've even downloaded a music maker program, considering trying to record it and put it up somewhere.

Someone stop me, please.

EDIT: ADDITIONAL: Important news flash!

http://flickr.com/photos/40182896@N00/sets/72157607412386119/

Among the most awesome thing ever created.

Go. Look. Nerdgasm.

Random Bag 2

... My barely conscious mind is quite together. I know this because of how I wake up. When I wake up it takes me about 20 minutes to become genuinely conscious, and in that time I'm capable of turning off my alarm (not hitting snooze or flicking it off, I mean genuinely turning OFF my alarm clock. Once an alarm was so annoying I removed it's batteries in my sleep), eating breakfast, showering and getting dressed before I know what's happening.

• 52. I don't GET Halo. I mean, I can play the Halo Games, see the enjoyment factor, and have a bit of fun. But I don't get the fanboyism. I find certain parts of it enormous fun, but... It just doesn't trigger blood flow to my personal areas like it does to some people.

1. What is Twitter? Can someone explain this to me? It's something in Nerdom I don't know much about. From what I can see it's basically just like a miniaturised version of the facebook "update your status" thing that can be done by phone. Should I be getting in on this thing? Will it be another situation of "hey yeah, I'll get in on this! ... Why is not one reading my twittering?"


1.5. Felicia Day, when it was noticed on a large panel at a Con (nerdhand for 'Convention', basically a get together for nerd-loved things. Examples are Comic-Con, Dragon-Con, etc) with her hands beneath the desk looking down. She replied "Don't worry, I'm just twittering", before she realised it made it sound like she was... 'ahem'ing in public. There was much applause and embarrassment. Later while she was saying how excited she was about the project, Nathan Fillion said "Did you twitter?"


2. I cannot get certain songs out of my head. Which is bad since I've sometimes had multiple songs stuck in my head at once. I've had "Never Gonna Give You Up" by Rick Astley merge seemlessly into the Firefly theme song. Which is horrible, in many many ways. The Firefly theme song is blood-flow-to-groin worthy.

"Take my love, take my land
Take me where I cannot stand
I don't care, I'm still free
You can't take the sky from me.

Take me out to the black
Tell 'em I ain't comin' back
Burn the land and boil the sea
You can't take the sky from me

There's no place I can be
Since I found Serenity
But you can't take the sky from me."

Sorry, got a little carried away. Pardon me, I need to go purchase a Brown Coat.


3. I would LOVE to learn a martial art. I think all nerds would. The trouble is that in real life I'm quite non-violent. I struggle to make myself throw even a joking punch. Only martial arts I can see myself learning are Tai Chi (since the fighting aspect is secondary at best) or Parkour, the French art of movement. Basically Parkour isn't about fighting, it's about getting from point A to point B in the quickest, most direct route. Look it up on Youtube, there are some INCREDIBLE things they do. Remember that slippery little bomb making bastard in the start of Casino Royale? The actor was using Parkour. The trouble is I'm not really agile enough to use it, and my spatial awareness sucks. The entirity of my dexterity is in my hands, from firespinning.

4. I have recently fallen into a feedback loop of game losing. 'The Game' is basically where if you think about the game, you lose the game (everyone reading this has now lost 'The Game'). When you remember it, you must announce "I just lost the game." It is while you are remembering it you can have fun. To that end I took a photo of myself holding up a piece of paper with the words "You just lost the game" written on it, put it on Facebook, and tagged a bunch of people.

It was hilarious at first, now every time someone loses the game they feel obliged to post it on the photo, which means the photo again shows up in my updates, which means I again remember the game, which means I lose AGAIN.

I have lost the game alot this week.

Bro-code Vs Man-code

'You get two Irish fellah's talking in a pub. One says to the other "What do you think about sex before marriage?" The other says "I don't think about it." The first continues saying "I know I never had sex with MY wife before marriage, did you?" He replies "I've no idea, what's her name?"
- Dave Allen

• 51. I have WAY too much time on my hands. Hopefully that will change when I become rich, respected, admired, and employed.

Well, bored, and feeling no need to vanish off to sleep despite it being past midnight. Thus I will put in my 'tomorrow' (today) post early. I understand this isn't a nerd topic, but it's one I hold very near and dear to my heart.

Put your hands up if you've heard of the Bro-code?
Put your hands up if you've heard of the Man-code?

Put your hands up if you think they're the same thing?

You, in the back, who kept his hand up, you're fired. Leave the building now, don't come back until you've learnt the sound of one hand clapping.

At it's most basic level, the two cross paths, but their eventual destinations are highly different.

The Man-Code: A set of criteria upon which a man is judged as being 'manly' in the stereotypical, twenty-years-in-the-past manner. To succeed in the Man-Code you must be tough, avoid any contact with men that isn't about drinking or playing sports, and avoid any contact with women that isn't in an indirect manner (not TOO indirect, not like Freud's stuff, otherwise you could do anything with them) sexually orientated in nature. I.E. Having sex, leading up to sex, or trying to convince them you're worth having sex with.

Needless to say, I don't agree with alot of the Man-code. Some of it I don't mind (such as the requirement of standing as far away as humanly possible from people at a urinal. It's a public comfort issue), but most of it is dodgy.

The Bro-Code: While having some overlap, the Bro-Code is a set of guidelines on how to treat your bro's. While at first some of it may seem ridiculous, it is designed quite cleverly in many ways. The Bro-code exists primarily to prevent internal struggle and conflict between the bro's. It covers things like when it is allowed to date the friend's ex-girlfriend (depends on the severity of the breakup. In most cases 'never'), which relatives of the friend are off limits (here's a hint, NEARLY ALL OF THEM), and eating ettiquette ("You gonna have that last slice of pizza?" "Nahh mate, go for it.")

This is not the exaggerated bro-code spread about by idiots who know not of what they speak, or mistake the Bro- and Man- codes for one another.

If you want to know the main difference between the Bro-code and the Man-code, you need only look at the name.

The MAN code is singular, dealing with the individual and his actions. It is insular and lonely, and concerned only with the self.

The BRO code deals with the man and his brothers (by other mothers). It is communal, a code of conduct agreed upon by genuine bros before their eyes open in the morning.

We are Bro's! And we shall not sleep with our friend's sisters!

Random bag

'The English sense of humour is subtle, and tinged with sarcasm. For example, you get Englishmen talking to one another, and one of them says "I passed by your house the other day" to which the other replies "Thank you."'
- Dave Allen

• 50. I blame YOU for all my shortcomings.

Ladies and gentlemen, as with a vast majority of this blog, I am about to steal someone else's idea. The 'X bag' (grab bag, random bag, twitter bag etc etc). I am going to post a number of random, small thoughts I've had that are not worthy of a post in and of themselves.

1. David and Goliath give me the shits. Thank you VERY much, both you tossers. Because of you (and many, MANY sports movies) the underdog is now no longer the underdog. He's the guy who comes back from certain defeat to win. The whole POINT of the David/Goliath situation is David wasn't meant to have a chance at winning! Now everything is a David/Goliath story, and David has a higher chance of winning then any Goliath. Because of you, D&G, the moment anyone is a Goliath they expect to lose.

Screw you David. Now, just to mess with everyone's head, I'm gonna ONLY ever cheer on the Goliath.



2. It's very easy to compartmentalise people. If you have no contact with them and they seem to be quite popular (in the thousands to hundreds of thousands of people knowing about them), though not "Can't walk down the street without screaming groupies" (E.G. Internet 'celebrities'), it is incredibly easy to just make the assumption they're not "Normal" people.

What brought about this revelation?

Some of you older readers may recognise the name Zendulo (from http://nerdgasm-unlimited.blogspot.com/2008/11/rules-of-net-name.html and http://nerdgasm-unlimited.blogspot.com/2008/10/rare-species-spotted.html), but for those who don't, here is a run-down. For a nerd like me, she is the PERFECT girl. Active, cheerful, nerdy MMO player who just so happens to be a ridiculously hot redhead with a sword collection. The fact that she lives in a completely different country is both a benefit and a detriment. Detriment since the chances of us ever meeting, sparks flying, and before I know it we're pwning each other in multiplayer games, is very very low. A benefit since I don't have to do the nerdy thing and pine after her from a distance worrying about how to approach without seeming really weird, since at this distance I simply can't approach.

With courage born of anonymity, I commented on her recent video (in which she's doing not much, talking about the kitchen, while casually holding a pair of nun-chucks. So awesome it should be illegal), to which she replied, to which I replied, to which she replied again. My first reaction was "Wow! Awesome to the power of awesome!" until I realised: Even though her channel has over a thousand subscribers and her most popular youtube video has 50,000 views (several order of magnitudes above the number of readers this blog gets), she is just a normal person. Albeit a very hot normal person who's requirement for her ideal guy is "must know what Mandalorian armour is".



3. I'm trying to read Waiting for Godot, but I'm always forgetting. I'm only a few pages in and liking it so far, but every time I read a bit I get distracted by something. I think I'm gonna have to see an actual production of it. Someone help me arrange seeing a production of Waiting for Godot.



4. Sent in a 15 page script today for a competition, in which if I'm lucky I could win $1,500, and the right to say "I won a stage plat writing contest." The money is a major bonus, but the encouragement would be like viagra to my writing confidence. Artifically, remaining for way longer then is comfortable, but I'm unable to perform without it.



5. For years I didn't think people who told themselves "Ok, I'll have one, then spend an extra few minutes on the treadmill tomorrow" existed. I thought they were just a caricature. Since getting an exercise bike, I've BECOME one. Since it's near my writing desk I can easily just tilt it right, reach my legs out, put them on the pedals and pedal backwards. Not as effective as actual pedaling, but I'll be damned if it doesn't make me feel better about myself. Buying that exercise bike: Best thing I've ever done.

P.S. I don't actually need viagra. Ladies. If that isn't a good reassurence, then nothing is.

P.P.S. Note to myself. Tomorrow's post, ladies and gentlemen, shall be dispelling the rumours and misleading information about the Bro-Code.

Story cliches

Three fantasy hero cliches walk into a tavern. Sitting in three dark corners are a hooded man each. The first fantasy hero walks up to the first hooded man, who says "Throw the medallion of evil into the well of death, or the world will be destroyed", and so the first hero does so. The second fantasy hero walks up to the second hooded man, who says "Slay the Dragon of the Mountain, or the kingdom will be burnt to a cinder", and so the second fantasy hero does that. The third fantasy hero walks up to the third hooded man, who says "Those fuckers stole my quests. Crap, get me a beer." The hero replied "That's not much of a quest." The hooded man said "It's happy hour, this'll keep you busy for months."

• 49. I have terrible organisational skills. I have to put a note on my calender at the end of every month saying "Move calender ahead 1 month". I still forget to do it.

Rather then type anything of value to anyone, I thought I'd just list generic story cliches for your entertainment.

1. Mentor dies after imparting wisdom upon the hero

• OPTIONAL: Mentor killed by BBEG (Big Bad Evil Guy)
• ALTERNATIVE: Mentor captured by BBEG, and must be freed by the hero.
• OPTIONAL: Can be killed in rescue attempt

2. Hero is only one who can save the world because:

• A. S/he's descendant of someone important
• B. S/he's been given a precise item of importance
• AB. S/he's been given a precise item of importance by his ancestor, who was someone important.
• C. S/he's been given magical powers by (generic otherworldly force)
• D. S/he's the best in the world at (random skill that ends up saving the day. E.G. Drilling)

3. The hero's best friend ends up dead because:

• A. S/he sacrificed his/her life trying to save the hero
• B. S/he betrayed the hero in a (gasp) surprisingly plot twist EVERYONE SAW COMING. And was then killed in an ironic way.
• C. S/he died at the hands of the BBEG to show how evil/badarse the BBEG is.
• D. S/he died in a dramatic way to point out how dangerous the situation is
• E. Zombies. In which case everyone dies, not just the hero's best friend.

4. The hero knows the BBEG somehow.

• OPTIONAL: The BBEG and the Hero both are experts at their special skill (usually fighting), but with the BBEG always being just a little better. He still loses to the hero this time.

5. The hero is either:

• A) The genuinely nice guy who wants to actively help people
• B) The badarse with the heart of gold
• C) The 'average guy' caught in the middle of things he doesn't understand/want to be involved with

What? This is filler. You didn't expect a large amount of interesting stuff, did you?

Pfft, as if.

Less Common Nerd passtimes 2

Less Common Nerd pass times 2
AKA: "Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt!"

"Execute order 66."
"Of course sir, would you like fried rice with that?"
"No, I mean kill all the jedi."
"Have you SEEN what we put in our order 66? If they survive this, they DESERVE to lead a rebellion to overthrow your wrinkly ass."

• 48. ... I have encountered one of the most awkward things to be revealed in an internet conversation. "We're just taking a break from having sex, he's in the shower so I'm checking some emails."

Have you ever heard about LARPing? (Live Action RolePlay). If you have, it's probably because of the following relatively well known videoclip.



Yeah, there are ALOT of geeky weirdos out there.

What I wouldn't give to be one of them.

Ladies and gentlemen, if I had the opportunity, I would LARP. I know, alot of you are probably closing your browser windows upon reading that embarrassing sentence. But it's true. Not all of it is weirdos walking around throwing little bean bags shouting "Lightning bolt!". Check out the following.




I don't care who you are, being able to sit down and design that outfit is AMAZING. As my current unattainable crush (http://www.youtube.com/user/zendulo) says in one of her vlogs "Being a nerd is about passion". I would love to spend a day or two out in the middle of nowhere, dressed like a moron with a bunch of other people, having an AWESOME time. So help me, it's the truth.


But I jumped into this a bit quickly. LARPing is another branch of roleplaying. It is essentially improvisational acting. When you roleplay you create a character, throw them into a situation, and have him react appropriately to the character you've created. This can be done in a roleplaying board game (in which you get together with friends at a location and describe what your character is doing) or in an online computer game (where you get together with people you've likely never met and let the game mechanics work things out). The third option is to LARP. This is where you dress appropriately for the part, meet with a number of people in a rarely traveled location, and act as your made-up character would.

There are as many kinds of LARP as there are kinds of roleplaying games. For more info on the various types, look it up on Wikipedia.

LARPers make normal nerds look like boring accountants. They. Are. Awesome.

I guest posted

... And that is why I avoid large crowds, am afraid of the zombie apocalypse, and wanted in three states.

• 47. Often, without intending to, I misprounounce "Hyperbole" as "hyper-bole". It's my greatest shame. Well, that, and the multiple felonies I've commited.

The continuation of "Less Common Nerd pass times" will occur on a later day. I guest posted in my friend's blog (http://www.pixcapacitor.com/) today, and so that's my post for the day.

Yeah, that's right. The 'guest post' (where I post as Steve) is actually just quotes from the NSS' used in this blog.

So instead of posting in a blog, I'm bringing you a "best of" from this blog that I posted in another blog, and linking to it.

What a round-about way to avoid doing any work on my own blog.

Less Common Nerd passtimes 1

Less Common Nerd pass times 1
AKA: "I move my models the length of my penis towards your models"

... So there I was, wrists handcuffed together, the person who'd put them on me passed out with their police uniform in disarray, and a train coming down the tracks towards me. It was that day I decided never to attend another bachelor's party.

• 46. I have an ambition one day to go to five different psychics and ask them about my future, just to see how different all their predictions will be. Then I can laugh and quote predictions that happen to be true, when they occur.

If you are a true nerd, you have at LEAST heard of board-war-games. Among the best known are the Games Workshop series, but there are many other examples (Battletech, Heavy Gear, even Risk can be considered one on the outside, although it lacks in one of the more common aspects).

These consist of games in which two or more individuals line up models they have spent hard earned money on and painstakingly assembled and painted to a degree they are content with, then move those models across a tabletop, measuring out certain distances (or counting out 'squares' or 'hexes') to determine if models can damage one another. They then continue this for several hours (some epic games can take a full day to complete) until a winner is declared.

I can understand how this is good for many nerds like myself. It combines three of the most desired requirements for a hobby into one single activity.

1. Singular activity: Assembling, painting and preparing models (not to mention assembling the required rules for an army of them) is not something usually done in a social setting, since it would distract from the delicate work. This is a hobby that can be done by oneself, meaning when a nerd is bored at home they can just start on their hobby in their own time.

2. Group activity: It requires the hobbyist to get together with others of similar interests to get the full enjoyment out of the activity. This encourages the geek away from solely insular activity, where they can be social and enjoy the company of others of similar interests, comparing thoughts on the issue.

3. Competitiveness: Let's face it, we're geeks, we want to be good at what we do. These games allow for direct competitiveness. Your little plastic men against the other guy's little plastic men. This CAN inspire a negative competitiveness (look up 'rules lawyering' or 'munchinism' to learn more about that) but in general, alot of people take it all in good humour, trying their hardest to win, but being graceful in defeat.


With all this in mind, why do I not do it?

I dunno, to be honest. It just bores the bejebus out of me. I don't know what it is about the activity, but I could never get deep into it. The grand narratives of most of them don't interest me as much, and a majority of the time you need to be more competively minded then I am capable of. I read rules, I learn basic strategies. Only in games like the Total War series am I capable of formulating more competitive strategies. It's somewhat disconcerting when it takes months to learn to assemble/paint models well, and even then unless you have a natural talent with it you'll be getting the crap rolled out of you with every game.

It just never grabbed me.

P.S. I'm not a fan of Games Workshop in general.

P.P.S. Heavy Gear is awesome. Mix of RPG and Strategy-war game. Give it a look-see if you're into that kinda thing.

What happens when I read books about awesome dead dudes...

"I retired. I still am retired. But to keep myself during my retirement in a manner to which I'm accustomed, I have to work. It's a kind of Irish retirement."
- Dave Allen

45. I know this is meant to be "100 facts about myself", but I feel the need to state this fact. Dave Allen is the greatest comedian who ever lived. I was genuinely upset at his passing, years ago when it happened.















And just to show you why it's so much of a tragedy that he's not longer with us. To put this sort of thing into a comedy show during the years that there were genuine fears of Nuclear war was quite impressive. Not a comedy routine.



Good night, thank you, and may your god go with you.

Good vs Fun

... And that's why I had a third testicle for three years. The story about how I lost the extra is less funny, though.

• 44. I want a bible with the middle cut out, to hide stuff in. It's no fun having a secret book with hidden things unless it's blasphemy at the same time. The real problem is I've got nothing worth hiding. Then again, I imagine there's something wonderfully ironic about keeping condoms in it for future use.

Just a short post today, since I'm busy writing things (AKA procrastinating and meaning to write stuff).

Whenever I watch movies or TV shows, I don't simply judge them on a single scale (the commonly used "Good or Bad" scale), since so few movies these days are genuinely good. Instead I've added another scale (just like how 3rd edition DnD used good/evil and lawful/chaotic. Oh yeah, I just made a Dungeons and Dragons reference. Ladies, I AM available), that of fun/unfun.

Ever seen a movie that really wasn't made well, but you just ENJOYED it? That was a bad movie, but a fun one. Usually a bad movie drags the fun scale down as well, so often you get a 'neutral' good/bad movie (it wasn't really good, but it wasn't really bad) being saved by the fun scale. Some movies are so bad they swing back around to fun again (such as the world renown "Plan 9 from Outer Space"), while some movie are just bad AND unfun (Manos: Hands of Fate).

Usually the scale is used to refer to why you enjoyed mindless action movies (Bad Boys or The Mummy) despite the fact they really... just... weren't... good. But it can sometimes refer the other way. Alot of serious dramas try to be good without any fun, putting all their apples in one basket. Probably the epitome of a good-but-not-fun movie is "No Country for Old Men". That was a DAMNED good movie. It just... drained the fun out of the whole room.

At a friend's insistance I once watched a movie called Blood and Bones. NEVER watch that movie. It drained all the fun out of me. There were about five of us watching it, and when the end credits rolled I stood up and said loudly "Well, I'm off to get pissed until I smile again." Nearly everyone joined me in that endeavour.


Now, next time you walk out of a movie you enjoyed despite it not being good, you can say "It was fun, but it wasn't good."

I'm two jumps away from Seth Green. I've never been cooler in my life.

So I was pounding away to my heart's content, the magazine open to a particularly raunchy picture. I was pounding away to my heart's delight, eyes rolled up into the back of my head, sweat glazing my forehead. It was then that the shopkeeper said "are you going to buy that?"
- Billy Connelly, comedic genius

• 43. It is my fondest desire to start a social trend. For ages I tried to get people to actually say "Station" like in Bill and Ted II. Now I've given up on that, and I'm going to try and get people saying "count" instead of "F**k", in tune with this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6AXPnH0C9UA

A while ago I was watching the Robot Chicken Star Wars episode with commentary. There were no less then six different commentary tracks for the 30 minute episode, and I listened to them all (I was bored that day). At the end of the episode two of the writers listed their email addresses, saying "If anyone has listened to this whole thing, shoot us an email.

So I did.

Here is the email, with a few bits ommited for privacy reasons:

"Dude 1 and dude 2, I just watched the SW episode with every single commentary. As instructed, here is the email you asked for.I'd take you up on that drink, but I'm Australian, and as such incapable of waiting the day or so long flight to get to the US for alcohol.

And just so you know, here is a brief overview of a day in the life of a commentary watcher/listener/(verb)er/nerd.

11:00 am: Wake up (optional: Recover from hangover), ponder trying for a job now that I've been out of University for 5 months.

11:30 am: Dismiss thought of job, comfort myself with hope of getting into Honours in Sociology next year.

12:00 : Go to DVD collection for something to do, realise for the hundreth time I've watched every, single, counting one of my DVDs already.

12:05 pm: Have brainwave of watching a DVD with commentary.

12:06 pm: Realise I've watched all my DVDs with commentary already.

12:15 pm: Give up. Put on a DVD I've already seen so there's something in the background while I vainly try to write something worth writing.

2:00 pm: Scream wordlessly at Brett Ratner's commentary after he says the only reason he allowed an exposition scene in Rush Hour 2 is because it involves a woman in lingerie.

3:50 pm: Lose faith in humanity after Ridley Scott says "I didn't bother following the advice of our historical advisers, because THEY weren't there, they don't know what it was like in Ancient Rome."

5:00 pm: Bang head on desk after the amazingly bad editing of two seperate Oceans 11 commentaries (one with Brad Pitt, the other with Matt Damon and Andy Garcia) into one commentary involves Brad Pitt and Andy Garcia both telling the same story at different times.

7:00 pm: Have an immense desire to surrender my anal virginity to Edward Norton after listening to the Fight Club commentary. And I'm not even INTO dudes, myself.

9:00 pm: Decide that if I can write something worth being produced, I can get onto a commentary and finally make a commentary worth listening to

9:05 pm: Realise that would involve getting what I'm writing produced, and give up.

9:30 pm: Wonder in amazement for the upteenth time at the fact the black werewolf in Underworld isn't actually putting on a voice. That's just what he sounds like....

Man. There is little more depressing then seeing my life summarised in 13 daily steps. I'm gonna go drown myself in alcohol and the Anchorman commentary. 'Tis like a movie in and of itself.

P.S. Let Hugh Sterbakov know I got through the commentaries not with the aid of drugs, but through force of will, sheer boredom, and because nothing impresses the ladies more then being able to say you've watched several hundred hours worth of DVDs.

Yeah, ok. That last bit is a lie."

And here is the reply I received from (with the reply to the private bits omited):

"That is a very funny and clever email. Thanks for watching. I think your sense of humor will certainly land you with produced work in the future and I have no doubt someday, someone like you will be listening to your DVD commentary."

Look out world. One day you shall be listening to MY nasally voice on your DVD, talking over Brad Pitt telling you how he screwed up his line that day, much to the hilarity of the crew.

The demise of the Puzzle Adventure

... So there I was, this enormous monster in front of me, my only options to escape being "fight", "item" or "run", since I wasn't equipped with any magic casting abilities.

• 42. Every now and then I'm afraid I'm becoming an alcoholic. But then I push it aside, remembering it's just the sobriety talking.

Anyone else remember back in the good old days? When games didn't need twitch reflexes, enormous amounts of gore or puzzles based on judicious use of the force manipulating physics-based objects to win?

You know what I'm talking about. The Puzzle/Adventure Game. The closest real equivilents in modern days are things like Pheonix Wright and the like. But in the past, the P/A game ruled the roost.

Monkey Island, the classic bumblings of a wanna-be Pirate trying to defeat the evil, undead pirate LeChuck and win the heart of the beautiful Governerss. Day of the Tentacle, giant, anthropomorphic tentacles causing trouble throughout time and space, only stopped by a heavy metal fan, an air-head, and a geek. Sam and Max, a giant talking dog and rabbit (something no one ever questions) resolving crimes their own way. That particular way being 'violently'.

But while the P/A game is down, it is not dead. Sam and Max lives on, bringing episodic content out regularly, and allowing the world to again rejoice at seeing Max elected president and fighting a giant robot Lincoln. The above mentioned games like Pheonix Wright keep the genre going.

But most importantly, MOST importantly... Pirates of the Caribbean. Look at Barbossa and try not to think of the Ghost/Zombie/Demon pirate LeChuck. Jack Sparrow is Guybrush Threepwood's bumbling "somehow comes out ahead" side, while William Turner is his "dashing heroic hero out to do the right thing" side. And, let's face it, the voodoo priestess is the voodoo priestess.

Rejoice, for the Puzzle/Adventure shall never die.

New label time

... And that's what happened to my kidneys. Want to hear about my duodenum next?

• 41. I'm not very impulsive. What? This is just "100 things about me", not "100 INTERESTING things about me". What, so now I have to entertain you people? I have a life, you know, I'm not just a dancing monkey for your enjoyment.

Bored + not tired despite it being past midnight = Stupid ideas for posts.

Many blogs, in an attempt to be entertaining, have amusing lists. Things like "What not to say when having bad sex" or "What you wish you could say to a boss you dislike" or the ever-popular "What not to find in your colon". Now, as a reversal of the trend, I present a new spin on it.

Instead of providing a list, I'm going to provide a single item that may be on a list, and what lists it may be on.

ITEM: "Honestly, I don't know how it got in there."

• What not to say at a malpractice suit
• What husbands shouldn't say when caught cheating
• What to say when Britney Speares is found on your Ipod shuffle
• How a practicing catholic explains getting caught using a condom
• How not to defend yourself on a murder trial
• Top three lines spoken by athletes caught drug cheating
• How to explain why you have an Allanis Morriset CD
• How men defend the porn their porn whenever it's found by a girl they're attracted to
• What Director Len Wiseman says when asked about Underworld 2's sex scene with his wife
• What Star Wars producers say when asked about Jar Jar Binks and Midichlorians
• What X-Men producers say when asked about why Brett Rattner directed X-men 3
• What "real gamers" say when asked about why the Sims games are on their computer
• What "casual gamers" say when asked about why World of Warcraft is on their computer
• What Marvel Comics writers say when asked about the Civil War series
• What Pac-Man says when asked about the pills in his luggage by Ghost Security guards
• What 'Artistic Movie' directors say when asked about the happy ending in one of their movies
• What Porn directors say when asked about the plot in their movies

Ladies and gentlemen, I got through that list without ONCE refering to anal sex. Go me. Well, except for then, when I sort of mentioned it.

Dang.

Stupid ideas on the internet for all to see

"Mr Lucus? We've done some focus group testing, and we've found out that no one likes the Jar Jar Binks character. In fact, many people find him offensive."
"You have failed me for the last time."
"Mr Lucus, please, no! *Choking noises*"
"I expect your replacement to be more willing to do as I say."
"*Choking noises, followed by the dull thump of a body hitting the ground.*"

• 40. I have three swords. I have no need for swords, I do not expect the Saxons to come sweeping down the hill, burning and pilaging what they please. I just have them. One of them was a present for my 18th birthday, two of them my parents brought back from China. One is half a Katana (literally half. It's just for display purposes) while the other is like a tiny cutlass. None of them could do any damage. Well that's a lie, the one I got for my birthday is a relatively heavy longsword, more then capable of giving someone a severe concussion. It's just blunt.

I'm quite bored, and as such going to go watch some DVDs. But before I do, I figured I should update the Nerdgasm.

Then I realised I have nothing worth updating. No grand schemes have come into my head. No trivial nerderific ideas have hit me while drunk (or if they have, I can't remember them). Nothing piques my interest at the moment (at least nothing I can discuss in public among all you voyeurs. Friggin' pervs.)

So, I'm just going to throw some ideas out that I've had regarding a certain topic that most people can appreciate. Computer games.

• Ever heard of the game Battlezone II? I didn't think so. Highly undervalued game of the past. A pretty decent RTS with FPS and vehicle based combat elements. It exposed me to the first time, the problem of the FPS/RTS. Either the 'player' is of equal strength to the units, or they're highly underpowered/focused on bufferage to push them into 'leading', rather then doing it all themselves. If they're of equal strength, nothing can stand up to them since the computer rarely can meet a person for strategy, and so the player can romp through everything. If they're underpowered/buffage, the game plays as a poorly designed RTS, and the FPS elements are crap.
• Mount and Blade. Highly awesome Medieval third-person RPG/Action game. The only game I've ever genuinely LIKED how they've done mounted combat. And watching 15 Horsemen crash ito the flank of a group of 30 infantry/archers, scatteirng them with their impact, is always AWESOME. It's a pity it's an indie game. It just feels unfinished. Then again, if it was studio-made, it would probably be changed majorly.
• If there was a well made fantasy mod for Mount and Blade, including proper spells and crap (very rare, but present, and powerful when used right) I would be in LOVE.
• If they made a studio-made Mount and Blade 2, I would be very, very happy. Especially if they threw in the 'DM' AI I mentioned in a previous post.
• I have three computer games I want to see made in my lifetime.
• The above mentioned Fantasy-Mount-And-Blade-II-with-AI-software. That would be sweet and a half, and anyone who disagrees is a communist, whom I shall sic McCarthy on.
• A Mechwarrior or Heavy Gear RPG. Mechwarrior has RPG rules for it, and Heavy Gear was MADE as an RPG/Strategy board game hybrid. It would be absolutely brilliant, and if the story was well scripted it would be a shoe in for Game of the Year. Think about it, you've got easily three different levels of combat. Infantry, Robot on Robot, Army on Army. The games have built-in political machinations that make the story interesting, and both have to deal with outside invaders causing strife
• Transformers MMOFPS. Infantry combat spiced up by having the infantry changing into vehicles that can alter the way the game plays out. A huge skirmish erupts, the Decepticons send out a group of three Motorcycles to a hilltop nearby. Two of the riders jump off the motorcycles, transform into artillary pieces and lay down some fire. The motorcycles transform into infantry and act as guards alongside the remaining rider. The Autobots send jets over to put down straffing runs on the Decepticons, but the remaining rider transforms into a flak gun and shoots them out of the sky
• If you didn't get at least a nerdection from that last point, you have no soul. Or alternatively you're a woman, in which case you should've at least gotten a metaphorical nerdection. You know, the "If I had a penis, it would TOTALLY be using all my blood supply right about now" kind of feeling.
• I want a badge that says "Ask me about Grim Fandango." Not only would it be a humerous reference to Grim Fandango, it would be a humerous reference to Monkey Island III

And there it is, my innermost thoughts down for all to see.

I'm ashamed, there's nothing remoting approaching interesting there.

I must be uninteresting.

Dang.

I can imaginary fight better then you can

If a good compromise leaves everyone unhappy, then wouldn't a bad compromise leave everyone contented? We can now blame all problems around the world on good diplomats.

• 39. A lifetime of reading comics has left me with an impossibly high standard upon women's beauty. However this is counter-acted romantically, by the fact that a lifetime of reading comics has left me very, very un-picky and willing to settle for just about anythin'.

Gentle readers, I am a geek/nerd as the title of this blog suggests, however there are things above and beyond my level of nerdity. Things so powerful in geekitude that they rock my socks clean off. These are things SO AMAZINGLY NERDY that even I am impressed, while simultaneously being scared.

First off, there is a wikipedia dedicated to Star Wars. Nothing revolutionary, there's a wikipedia for everything (even cocktail recipes).

http://starwars.wikia.com/

But, inside this wiki, there are over 40 pages (some of them small, but still there) dedicated to lightsaber combat.

That's right. A fictional form of combat.

http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Lightsaber_combat

Think about it. They made ALL this stuff up themselves. Normal sword fighting stuff is next to useless when talking about lightsabers for two main reasons. Unlike swords, the entirity of a lightsaber's weight is in the hilt, whereas many swords use their weight along the whole length to give their attack some heft. Secondly swords only have specific ways they can hurt (hit the enemy with appropriate strength so that the precise blade of the weapon contacts skin), whereas Lightsabers are pretty open (touch bad guy to hot end. Dead).

So they had to make ALL of this up.

They made up seven 'official' forms 'forms' of fighting (basing most of it on various computer games, I think), writing hundreds of words about the philosophies, techniques and practitioners of each. The forms are named "Shii-Cho", "Makashi", "Soresu", "Ataru", "Shien/Djem So", "Numan" and "Juyo/Vaapad."

Next comes a bit about other forms and techniques used in lightsaber fighting. This includes (among other things):
Sokan: Using terrain to your advantage. Jackie Chan is a master of this.
Form 'Zero': Not using a lightsaber... well gee, I didn't realise one way to use a lightsaber was to not use it.
'Dun Moch': "Distracting and taunting an opponent, a Sith technique". Basically shit talking. If you watch the movies and play the games, pretty much all bad guys in Star Wars do this.

• Emperor: "Something something Dark Side. Something something Destiny."
• Darth Vader: "You've got a twin sister, huh? Maybe we can get her to join instead the- wait, what? ARGH! My hand! Oh shit, man. Yeah, that shit talking backfired on me. Argh, that hurt."
• Darth Tyrannus: "Brave of you boy, but I would have thought you'd have learnt your lesson." "Well I am a slow learner." "... You see, you just insulted yourself there. Well... well done man, just seriously, well done. You just proved your an idiot." "Shut up!" "Oh, another biting remark! You sure put me in my place."

Trispzest: Aside from sounding like a drug laced cocktail, this is apparently aerial lightsaber combat.

Next the site goes on to talk about 'unorthodox' lightsaber methods, then the "three styles of the new jedi order". Compared to the seven they yaked on about before, this is quite simple.

1. Fast
2. Medium
3. Strong

... They put huge effort into those names.

Finally, the home stretch! ... Wait, what? It's not?

Of course it isn't, because now there are names for all the possible ways you can stab/slice someone with a lightsaber!

Cho mai: Cutting off your opponents hand. This was meant to show honour to cause minimal damage to an enemy. Except, you know CUTTING OFF THEIR FRIGGIN' HAND. I dunno about you, but I LIKE my hand. It does all my favourite things (keep it out of the gutter, pervs.)

Cho mok: Cutting off a limb. Odd name, I'd have called it "OH GOD! MY LEG! ARGH! I was using that! Oh man it hurts!"

Cho sun: Cutting off their weapon using arm. "oh man, I am so sorry. I was trying to cho mai you, but I cho sun'ed you instead. Man, is my face red."

Sai cha: Beheading your opponent. Used on opponents "too dangerous to keep alive". ... Surely if you're trying for non-lethality, then a lightsaber isn't the way to go.

Sai tok: Cutting an opponent in half, "frowned upon by the Hedi because of its Sith-like nature". So it's fine to cut a head off, but the moment you go to the waist it becomes bad?

Shiak: Stabbing someone. Surely you don't need a specific name to stab someone.

Shiim: Apparently so, because this is a different type of stabbing someone. This is a small wound, either as an act of desperation, or just to immobilise an opponent from the pain. AKA. Nearly missing, or being a sadist.

Sun djem: Disarming someone. Get this: "a very diverse sub form; moves ranged from spinning a lightsaber to dislodging an opponent's weapon to kicking or punching an opponent." ... Wow, that is a hell of a range. Almost as if the writers of this article were making shit up, trying to link together things that weren't meant to be linked.

Mou kei: Dismembering an opponent through a circular motion of the lightsaber, aimed at major limbs. So basically... the same as 'cho mak', except with a circular motion, rather then a trapezoidal one.

Next it goes on about 'maneuvers'. I won't bore you with them all, just the 'best' one.

Jung: 180 degree turn. I kid you not. "So then I turned around, sorry, I meant I 'jung'.

Finally it goes on about behind the scene stuff. There's one quote here I actually like from the head choreographer of the fights (Nick Gillard). "I wrote them (the fights) very much like a game of chess played at a thousand miles an hour. And every single move is check."

I admit, part of me is scared... but part of me is also REALLY impressed at how much detail has gone into this stuff.

Seriously guys, have a read of this. It's absolutely hilarious.

Youtube does all my work for me.

"Are you sure this is right?" she said, removing the last of her undergarments hesitantly. "Of course it is!" I screamed, waving around the die like a madman, "I rolled a natural 20!"
If you get that joke, you've come to the right blog.

• 38. I love closure (which is ironic since I can never finish anything), especially in regards to annoying scenarios. Nothing better then seeing the backside a pain in the arse situation. Pardon me a moment while I get out a victorious yell.
• "YYYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!"
• Much better. Thank you.

So, distracted by a couple of things (wrote a short 10 minute play in an hour yesterday, fixing it up today. Plus went into Uni to clarify some things, and I think I'm now sure of my Honours topic. Not to mention another secret project I'm working on), which means you won't be getting your regular post (yay!), instead, you'll be getting an assortment of miscellaneous Youtube videos (boo!)

Shut up, Brackets-man.



Drunk Jeff Goldblum. Well, not drunk, just slowed down, but the results seem to be the same.



Hilarity of Bollywood in action once more. They seem to have forgotten a Horse isn't a motorcycle.



William Shatner at his funniest.



Even the Ninja seems embarrassed by this guy's death sequence



Fast forward to Darth Vader and the Storm Troopers (about 3:20 in)

I want a Storm Trooper costume...



Look up more of these guys if you haven't seen them (in which case you are a heathen who deserves all the ill-fortune you obviously have), they're hilarious.



A nice subvert of the Rick-roll.

Finally, last one (hooray! No more of the writer trying to profit off others hard work and look like he's doing something when in reality he just went to his youtube favourites and threw them into a post):



Quite impressive 'solo' A Capella (I'm willing to bet it was done by an actual a capella group, and he just filmed himself doing it).



Ok, I lied, that wasn't the last one. I just needed to include this, since I feel it is now the theme song to this blog.

Webcomics

"Look behind you! A three headed monkey!" I shouted. My captor didn't believe me, until he heard the horribly croaked english words spoken through three mishaped mouths groaning "Kiiiilllll.... uuuussss....."

• 37. I read quite fast when I enjoy what I'm reading. I got through two 800 page fantasy novels in about three days . The main problem is that if what I'm reading doesn't have either A) Awesome kung fu, B) Knights riding people down, C) Giant kick-ace robots blowing crap up or D) Boobs, it has to be pretty damn special for me to enjoy it.

One of the best ways to tell a potential nerd from a nerd-lite/diet-nerd is to ask one simple question.

"Which Webcomics do you read?"

If someone can tell you who Gabe and Tycho are, they are a genuine nerd. If not... Well they've got some catching up to do, haven't they?

I'm a bit of a webcomisseur, myself. My list of regular-part-of-my-waking-up-ritual comics I check on a daily (or less, if it doesn't update daily) basis is as follows:

Non-Adventures of Wonderella
Commissioned
Ctrl-Alt-Del
Dominic Deegan (I got into the habit of reading it early on, when it was actually funny. It's still well written, just not what I traditionally go for)
Evil Inc.
Giant in the Playground/Order of the Stick
Least I can do
Looking for Group
MacHall (now dead. It's creators have moved on to Three Panel Soul)
PvP Online (same as Dominic Deegan. Now, the humour just isn't my style, but I'm still in the habit of checking it)
Questionable Content
Sam and Fuzzy
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal (I love this one)
Something Positive (this is one of the rare ones that has completely changed tone since it started, but I think the change has actually been an improvement)
The Adventures of Dr. McNinja
The Noob
Three Panel Soul
Weregeek
Xkcd

As someone who's read ALOT of webcomics (including their 'making of' bits), I like to think I'm as expert on the matter as someone who doesn't make one can be.

Alot of webcomics suffer from what I define as:

"Attritionus dramaticus"

As the stories go on, they seem to kinda forget the whole 'funny' thing they had at the beginning, instead going for highly dramatic stories with overarcing plotlines and save-the-world stakes. This is fine if you start with it, but shifting gears so awkwardly just feels odd. Especially to new readers who go through your back catalogue in a couple of days. The reader is left sitting there going "Double Ewe Tee Eff mate? It goes from punning every page to dramatic fights for the sake of the world."

I think to the author, it can seem like a natural progression.
A) Funny comic
B) Put threatening character into the comic for the sake of a joke
C) Threatening character still around, make him do something threatening
D) Main character (who up to this point is quite bumbling) is the only person who knows about the situation, and has to end it himself

Every now and then, you get webcomics that start off kind of amusingly, but just... degenerate. El Goonish Shive started off as a kind of amusing High School romp through the wacky days of a couple of students. It soon degenerated into a "save the world" fight situations between half human, half animal hybrids, involving high school students who happened to be either incredibly powerful martial artists (for some reason), have fathers involved in secret government projects, or somehow be incredibly supernatural. Not to mention the RAMPANT super-tech pseudo-science guns that change people's gender, and the amazingly confused sexuality of everyone involved in the story.

WHAT.
THE.
F**K.


Some Webcomics, on the other hand, manage to handle sensitive and serious issues very well. Ctrl-Alt-Del might've alienated a few readers with it's non-joke storyarc where the main female character has a misscarriage of the baby she's having with the main male character, but I think the story was very tastefully handled, as well as the fallout of it all.

Another example is in Questionable Content, where the "Afraid of a relationship but otherwise very friendly" female character revealed in a flashback why she has relationship issues (I won't spoil it, I'll just encourage everyone to read it), and is encouraged by her friends to seek therapy about it all. It was NOT funny by any means, but it was very well written and tastefully handled, not playing light with the serious subject matter at all.


In short, just like everything that anyone can indulge in, there's alot of crap out there, but if you sift through it you find some gold.

In defence of Bay's Transformers

And so, that's how I lost that bet and had to allow Micheal Jackson to use my skin-tone.

• 36. I've always wanted to get a T-shirt that says, in Latin "Ask me about Grim Fandango". If anyone ever came up to me and asked about Grim Fandango, I would ask them why they bothered learning a dead language, and what was going through their mind when they thought "Hey, this would be a good plan". I would then feel jealous, since I've always wanted to know Latin.

Let me say something that will make me either shunned or celebrated among geeks everywhere. Everyone has an opinion, and it's nearly always the dichotomy view of A or B, there is no AB, aB or Ab.

I LIKED the new Transformers movie. As it is, even with the generous support of car companies it cost 120+ million dollars. That is a HUGE amount of money. A Fleich-tonne. You know what would have taken even more money? If the Transformers had had more time on screen. As it is it successfully carried across how huge and powerful these alien machines were. Let's look over some of the many complaints I've seen leveled at it.

1. Too much human stuff, not enough Transformers.
A. It is much easier to empathise with the humans then with giant alien robots. The Transformers cost ENORMOUS amounts of money to computer animate. They took HOURS to animate even one frame. The only way the movie could have been entirely about the Transformers is if they either made the Transformers look incredibly bland and supernatural with their transformations, or if they deliberately made the movie have a loss.

2. The Transformers look too different
A. Look at the cartoon. The Transformers don't actually transform, they just Morph. Their shapes only vaguely correspond with each other. Try putting that in the movie without it looking ridiculously stupid. I once saw someone put an animation test on youtube showing how Optimus Prime looked fine translating from the cartoon to computer animation. He really, really, didn't.

3. My favourite Transformer wasn't in it
A. Neither was mine (Sideswipe, the king of everything). But in general they could only fit so many transformers into the movie. Stay tuned for the sequel.

4. It's just a pro millitary vehicle
A. They had three options. 1. Don't get the millitary involved. Considering the movie is about Alien Lifeforms practically invading Earth and copying the looks of alot of military vehicles, that's not going to happen. 2. Film the military stuff without military support. The movie cost enough as it is, trying to film military sequences without military support would skyrocket the costs. 3. Film the military stuff with military support, and avoid making the military look like idiots. The lesser of three evils. Hell, real life gives the military bad enough press, might as well allow them this fictional victory.

5. Transformers? More like BAYformers! amirite?
A. No. No you are not, and don't try to pressure Ms Ami Rite to support you.

6. Shia LaBouf sucks.
A. I actually liked his performance in this movie. It was different to the "He's a strong and tough kid who is strong and tough when he needs to be". He nearly pisses himself when the Cops he thought would help him turn out to be a giant robot interrogating him. He does the right thing in the end, but he's not the emotionless warrior, he's just the guy with a strong sense of moral right caught up in something bigger then him. I haven't seen him in many other movies, but I'm willing to bet he plays a similar character in all of them. Meh, he plays it well, and I enjoy seeing it on screen, so I like it.


With all that said, is it a perfect movie? God no. My chief complaint.
Why did they kill JAZZ!? Of all the Transformers to kill, he was the stupidest choice.

A. If you're trying to show how incredibly powerful Megatron is (which I'm assuming is the purpose, since they also showed Optimus casually killing a huge Decepticon, Bonecrusher), why would you choose the second smallest Autobot on the team? Surely Megatron picking on the little guy doesn't seem as threatening as if he casually walked through the firepower Ironhide was putting out, then blew his head off with one blast. THAT would make Megatron threatening.

B. Of all the Transformers you could kill... of all the options available... You choose the BLACK one. C'mon guys. We're past this, aren't we? Seriously, do I have to say it?

C. He seemed like he'd been glossed over the entire movie. Ironhide has enormous guns and quotes old movies, then he does a god-damned Rocket-jump. Rachet gets to do an awesome flip thing against the tank, gets high on electricity and comments on Pheremone levels. Jazz calls humans 'little bitches' while breakdancing, copies Kup's move against the tank, and dies. He doesn't even get a close up, like every other Autobot did. It was like they included him just because they were expected to include Jazz, and so they had someone to kill off.

The worst thing? There are many ways it would be possible to bring him back in the next movie, but chances are they'll bugger up how they do that, making it seem like his death meant nothing, and setting a bad precedent regarding death in the movies.

The rules of the 'net-name'.

Three bars walk into a man. The pressure of having three enormous buildings crammed with patrons inside the frail mortal body caused him to explode violently, the shrapnel of his shattered bones destroying three nearby peach stands.

• 35. I lost religion in my life when, at a young age, I asked my scripture teacher if Aliens believed in god. I was told to stop being a stupid child asking stupid questions. From that day on they lost me. It wasn't until many years later I actually came up with any kind of logical reason not to be religious.

I was thinking about making an in-depth sociological examination of the conception of the Internet Alias (shorthand 'net name'. I just made that up). But then I encountered a problem.

Strictly speaking: There aren't any. I've gone by a LARGE number of net-names in the past, abandoning and taking up new ones I think will be accepted whever I go, but there are just as many people who go by the same name forever, or use their actual name (freaks).

Some names mean something (Nerdgasm is a portmandu of Nerd and Orgasm, implying getting EXTREME pleasure from nerdy things), while others are just high school nicknames carried on, while others still mean nothing (Zendulo (the alias of the girl of my dreams mentioned in this post (http://nerdgasm-unlimited.blogspot.com/2008/10/rare-species-spotted.html) doesn't seem to mean anything.)

For a while I went by the moniker 'The_Master' in my youthful forays onto the scary internet. Of course this led to many many jokes of "The Master Beta"

In general names seem to be completely random. Some very intelligent psychologist could likely analyse the individuals names a person choses, determining what it says about people (Nerdgasm = An unrestrained joy in nerdy things in life. The_Master = A desire for control of life. Etc etc), but in general I just think it's a case of stage fright. Being put on the world stage and told "Make up a name everyone will know you by" is a frightening thing. How the hell are you meant to react to that?

"You! Give us a name everyone you meet online will know you by!"

"Uh... Wait, I... Richard?"

"RICHARD IS TAKEN. CHOOSE AGAIN."

"Oh, crap, I... Super-Richard?"

"SUPER-RICHARD IS TAKEN. Our Databases tell us that in some locations, 'Dick' is a nickname for Richard. YOUR NAME IS SUPER-DICK."

"Hey, wait, I-!"

"SUPER-DICK HAS BEEN BANNED FOR HAVING AN OFFENSIVE NAME."



P.S. Check out Zendulo's videos at http://www.youtube.com/user/zendulo

P.P.S. Yeah, I used brackets inside brackets again. This is how I roll, yeah? ... I am so white.

P.P.P.S. I am actually qualified to make in depth sociological studies of things. I have a degree now. Man that sounds weird to say. Almost as weird of the photo of me receiving my degree from the Vice Dean, pushing out my stomach so you can see the Transformers belt I was wearing.

Pfft, I could do better then this.

... If we live in a world where lying to children for fun and profit is wrong, then I don't want to be right.

• 34. I am a large individual. Well over 6 foot and toping 130 Kg (although I don't think I'm THAT large, so I'm wondering where the hell all of it is kept. I'm the tardis of largess.) This, and a degree of experience, grants me an enormous advantage when it comes to drinking with friends. And yet the people I drink with try to keep up with me, beer (or other) for beer/other. This results in many humourous situations.

As a birthday present, my parents at one point bought me 'The Marvel Encyclopedia', a list of nearly all the Marvel characters. Since I am feeling lazy, here are some of my personal favourites in the list of the stupidest characters ever.

Ant Man II: The original Ant Man was just Giant Man using his powers in a different way (so his abilities were actually useful). But this guy ONLY had the ability to shrink. Seriously, there are only SO many situations that can be useful. "Where's Scott?" "He's looking under the couch for leftover change. Again."

Batroc the Leaper: He jumps. Seriously, that's it. He jumps really well. He jumps on top of people, apparently. His powers are listed as "Self professed master of Savate, the French form of kickboxing; allegedly an expert hand to hand combatant". The fact that they say 'self professed' and 'allegedly' to me makes it sound like... he isn't. And as much as I like the French (I genuinely do, I'm a fan of the French), they aren't known for unarmed combat. He's a crap practitioner of a bad martial art. Man, he's losing on ALL fronts.

Bi-Beast: One head on top of another. One has a full knowledge of an ancient race's warfare, the other their full knowledge of culture. That's it. He's just one of those ridiculously large, orange skinned aliens otherwise. With a large head with two faces. Whoever sat down and thought "This is gonna be SWEEET" should be put in a sack and beaten with a stick.

The Blob: Big, fat, tough guy. I get what his power is meant to be, it's just... c'mon... he's a big fat guy . Like. ROLLS of fat. More rolls-of-fat then man. You can't take that seriously as a supervillain

Boomerang: Yeah, he throws boomerangs. Some explode. Some release gas. They're still goddamned boomerangs.

Wolverine: I am doggamned sick of Wolverine.

Golddigger: She has no powers. All it really says about her is that she "Crossed paths with Captain America" Seriously, is a character wih no powers who gets screwed over that early REALLY worth a super-name? Even one as bad as 'Gold Digger'?

Jean Grey: Do I have to explain this? You real geeks out there will get what I mean. Amirite?

Left-Winger/Right-Winger: They didn't like the second Captain America, so they tried to have him killed, got their arses kicked in return. Wow. They were a good use of comic book pages.

Mad Thinker: An ugly guy who's really good with robotics. Wow, original. And dull as hell.

Madcap: I don't think I can do this justice, so I'll just type it all out. "A devoted member of a Christian church, Madcap began his descent into insanity following a terrible accident. He was traveling on a bus with his family and forty church members when it collided with a truck carrying an experimental nerve agent. Madcap was the only survivor and in the days that followed he developed the ability to heal himself and cause temporary insanity in others. He has used these talents to cause repeated havoc on the streets of new york. In between short spells in Bellevue Hospital, Madcap has encountered a number of superpowered individuals." Wow. Just. Wow.

I'm only halfway through the book, and I'm giving up there. There are a disturbing number of really... REALLY bad characters in comics.

Why MMOs are as evil as Ikea

Three things go into a bar, something initially humourous occurs, but upon later retrospection you realise the joke wasn't that funny, leaving you feel cheated and used.

• 33. I have a deep fear of joining the real world. Where I actually have to WORK for what I require. All my life I've been able to coast by with immense ease, that will soon change. I think that's why I'm writing so much crap no one will ever see, it's my own version of the Monkey-Shakespeare thing. If I type out enough crap, eventually there will be SOMETHING worth money.

What kind of nerd blog would this be if I did not pay tribute to the most visible nerd-ism in the past 50 years?

MMOs.

Avoid.

I say that as someone who played City of Heroes for two years.

Ladies and gentlemen, let's look at the general requirement for a computer game. "Entertainment". Now, let's make the following general assumptions.

Statement A: Computer game publishers are businesses, that are attempting to make money.
Proof: It's a common statement of fact that the point of businesses is to make money, and computer game publishers are no different.

Statement B: A large number of the more widely known MMOs are pay-per-month affairs
Proof: Google Warcraft, the most popular MMO ever. Pay per month. Granted this is a weak proof, but this is a commonly accepted idea. Some MMOs are NOT pay per month, but in general they are not the commercial (money making) majority, rather they make less money then their peers, at least in Western countries.

Statement C: It is easier to create 'time sinks' then genuine story arcs.
Proof: A Time sink is a simple "Collect X number of Ys" or "Kill A number of Bs", sometimes supported with a generic story ("Those Wolves sure are plaguing my sheep! Go kill fifty of them").

Statement D: A Time Sink is less fun then plot progression
Proof: Plot progression in a combat based game will involve fighting a vast, vast majority of the time. This makes Plot progression and Time Sinks both about killing things, but plot progression has the added factor of story. At very worst that makes plot progression equally as fun as time sinks.
Note: I have a bias here towards story arcs. However, even if someone actively dislikes story arcs, there is little way that doing so could actively interfere with their fun, since it is (literally) free experience to level up your character. Even then, chances are you'd still have to kill things, which is presumably what someone with no enjoyment of story is playing the game for.

Conclusion A: Statement A + Statement B = For MMO publishers to make money, they need you to be playing their games for a long time.

Conclusion B: Conclusion A + Statement C = MMO publishers want you to be playing for a long time and it is quicker to make time sinks then story arcs.

Conclusion C: Conclusion B + Statement D = Therefore they are far more likely to fill the game with plot sinks then story arcs, despite story arcs being of equal or greater fun. Thus providing evidence that they don't care about fun, so much as trying to keep people playing as long as possible.

And don't get me started on making people 'invest' in the game. No one wants to leave behind something they've invested so much time/social life/money into, especially when they realise how little they've gotten out of it so far.

I have READERS.

(Not an NSS. Trial replacement.) So a Horse walks into a bar and says to the bartender "I'll have a beer." The bartender replies "a talking Horse!? That's new." To which the horse replies "Have you missed the last 50 years of jokes? Tch, you'll be amazed at a chicken walking across the street next"

• 32. I am normally a very Zen person. Not spiritually, I'm just normally upbeat about most things, in a weird way. Kinda a "I know everything around me is shit, but it ain't gonna bother me, bitch. More alcohol" sort of thing. But still, a wave of depression hit me when I discovered Firefly after it had been cancelled. F**k you, Fox. F**K YOU.

So. I just discovered half the hits on this blog I'd assumed were me screwing up and having to re-edit some crap are actually unique visitors.

Duudes. Awesome. Considering over half of that are in Sydney, we should totally all get drunk some day.

... Considering a portion of that is probably people I regularly drink with anyway, not like it'd be a big stretch of the imagination.

Still, I should make an effort to put something in this post worth reading, other then excessive ego stroking.

Some of you may have heard of a game called "Left 4 Dead" (see, it's amusing because they've been left for dead, and there are four of them), a game about survivors trying to pass through zombie territory.

As those of you who know me know, I don't do Zombies. Zombies and me don't get on. If I'm in the same room as a zombie, I have to politely excuse myself from the party, since it just gets REALLY awkward. So you may have guessed that's not why I'm discussing it.

Left 4 Dead has a newly designed AI system called 'The Director'. Rather then having the zombies placed in the same spot on the level every time, it dynamically spawns them in a number of possible locations dependant on how much the players are struggling and how long it's been since they were attacked. If the players are really good and having an easy time, they fight more zombies. If they barely survived the last attack, are nearly out of ammo and just finished off the last zombie, they'll have a few minutes breather.

Why is this incredible?

This, my friends, is a simplified Games Master from Roleplaying games.

Someday someone will make a fantasy sandbox free-form game (a bit like Mount and Blade, but with magic) for something like Dungeons and Dragons, and they will use the Director to control the pace of the game, creating level appropriate quests out of a huge interchangable list of different variables, making it so the player always has things to do in a vast and changing world. Should the player be growing so powerful he has few threats, an entire HORDE of undead will show up on the horizon going "G'day mate", that he has to help a friendly city defeat. Should he be struggling a bit, a friendly NPC will turn up and offer to help him. All arranged by the Director/GM.

When that game is created, I will nerdgasm.

Then I will cry with joy.

Then my salty tears will make me nerdgasm again.

The fantasy cliche

(We (by which I mean 'I') interupt your regular NSS for an announcement: I am running out of ideas for NSS'. I either need assistance in writing them (email them to me at richosnotes@hotmail.com along with how you wish to be credited, and it'll be up) or a new idea for what I can replace NSS with.) (... Are brackets/parenthesis allowed inside brackets/parenthesis?)

• 31. I obtained an exercise bike three weeks or so ago and have been using it every day since then. MY CALVES COULD CRUSH YOUR FACE.

Fantasy novels, movies and stories in general usually do not vary enormously from the stock standard story 'roller coaster' conception that's common all throughout storytelling.

1. Bad sh*t goes down.
2. Heroes come up with way to fix stuff
3. Heroes encounter difficulties in fixing stuff
4. Heroes eventually win.

That summarises most common movies. Sometimes when the heroes are meant to be clueless the story will skip stage 2, and replace stage 3 with "Heroes bumble into the bad guys plan". For Greek Myths add a stage 5: "Hero dies horribly alone".

This is true in nearly all stories, so why does Fantasy get such a bad wrap for it all? The reason fantasy stories seem so much more simplistic then the standard story is because the ingredients of each stage is far simpler.

Since in fantasy stories the authors have such a wider range of storytelling abilities available to them (Wizards, Dragons, Spells, the ability to categorically state "This race of people are EVIL") then modern or even most sci-fi stories, so often the fantasy storyteller takes an easy road out.

It does somewhat declaw the evil villain if you know he can be killed just by putting the right magical artefact in the right shelf in the magical castle. With sci-fi and modern stories there's a genuine sense of threat in that you KNOW you have to find some way to beat the guy, you can't just side-step it by putting magical challice A into slot B.

No other Genre is so effectively able to say "Do this one task, and everything will be hunky dory". Yes, it does grant the task a great deal of weight, but at the same time you know once they do it, the war is over and won. Bugger that with the ring of power.

I blame Tolkein. Don't get me wrong, I love the fact that the guy basically CREATED the fantasy genre as we know it, because of him I've spent many a fun evening smacking around Orcs (it's ok, they're all EVIL. Every last one of them). But at the same time everyone is just following in the footsteps. ("Ok Frodo, I need you to put magical item A into location B" "What was that, Gandalf?" "I mean, I need you to destroy the ring of power by throwing it into Mount Doom.").

Fantasy authors, writers and storytellers. Please, come up with something different. Feel free to use the "magical item A into location B" plot arc, but make it a smaller part, not the "Well, we've done that, let's all go home" bit.

Maybe destroying the magical item only weakens the enemy, and doesn't crush them uttery?

C'mon, you can do it. I have faith in you.