Let's be nerdy about booze

... And that's when I pooped a hammer.

• 23. I've never actually pooped a hammer.
  

I am many kinds of nerd. One that I rarely discuss is that I am, officially, an undergrad in social science. I am going to use this appeal to authority today to lecture to you all about the implications of alcohol. Not the negative social connotations and evocations it has, nor the horrible health effects. I am going to talk about the social imagery of alcohol.

BEER: The working class of booze. It is the old reliable, so in the mainstream people can have a 'quiet beer' without any form of preamble or reason aside from two people who haven't seen each other since Thursday running into one another. In general you have three kinds of beer drinkers.
1. The "I'll have a beer" type, who just have a drink because it's the normal social thing to do. They may have a prefered brand, but if someone plonks a VB down in front of them they won't really complain. It's not the Beer they're out for, it's the company.
2. The "I'll have a (brand)" type, who is the distinguished connoiseur of beer. They know which brands they like, and they've sampled exclusively. They can say why Wheat beer is better, compare German and Polish beers and, most importantly, know what they DON'T like. They are the beer snob.
3. The "I'll have whatever" type. They drink beer because it's what they've always drunk, they want to drink, and they don't realise you can drink other stuff. They don't care what it is, but for very different reasons to type 1.

WINE: Wine has a very, very specific two types of clientelle. There is an element of poshness to it initially, but that can rapidly be undermined.
1. The 'sophisticated' drinker. They're not drinking to get drunk (but there's a 50/50 chance that'll happen), and they don't want anything that'll 'hurt' to drink, but they do want to loosen up a little.
2. The 'Wine is cheaper' drinker. They get it in a goon box. What more needs to be said.

STRAIGHT SPIRITS: A rarity nowdays. The vast majority of people who drink spirits fall into the next category. Usually a 'straight spirits' drinker is someone who wishes to stand out as different from the pack. They have it straight up and they proudly display that fact. They for some reason think this makes it either 'better' or more impressive then drinking it with something else in the glass, even though it's still the exact same drink.

MIXED SPIRITS: A very simple mix (X alcoholic drink with Y non-alcoholic drink). They're the partiers. They're not drinking for the taste so much as the tipsy. They want to be intoxicated, relax and be cool. Their drink has more alcohol in it then beer, since it's usually a shot of a spirit mixed with something that makes it easier to drink (and drink quickly) and they know it.

COCKTAILS: Very rare to start a night with this, but a cocktail drinker is someone after something different (either different for themselves, or to seem different to everyone else). Usually they want something flashy (which is the very nature of the cocktail, to spend a large amount of money on something that does the job no better then a double scotch), and so are practically begging people to ask "What's that you're drinking?"