Read this. Then come back here.
Go on, it doesn't take long, I'll wait.
Read it? Good. When I showed that to a friend their reaction pretty much summarised my view.
"Accepting your flaws is a good thing. Embracing them is bad."
That's pretty much what the article is about. Yes, it is true that very, very few games have good stories. Halo's story was so laughable I had to treat it as a subtle parody just to play it. Half Life fans seem to have mistaken a 'complex' story with a 'good' one. There are many games that need to learn when to shut up and let us shoot space marines with our magical gun that fires cosmic paperclips. However the tone the (very short) article seemed to take seemed to me like the guy was saying "Well we can't do stories, so let's just keep rendering those three dimensional breasts and swords and cut one off with the other to our heart's content".
To that I say NO I RESPECTFULLY DISAGREE WITH YOUR OPINION IN A LOUD TONE OF VOICE.
One one hand I understand what is being said, people need to realise that a game is an interactive medium and so being treated to a visual book is no fun, but stating that developers should stop trying to tell grand stories in their games actually offends me. There are not many of them, but there are some GREAT games out there with great stories. Yes, they are the minority, but they are growing, and they show how possible it is with this medium to tell a grand tale.
You know what fills me with hope? When I hear of game studios hiring professional writers for their epic games. More often then not it doesn't happen, since the game will be the baby of the original head developer (who doesn't realise his story telling ability is often somewhere between an apple and an orange). However there are plenty of cases of games studios hiring writers. Often it seems the writer is hired just for small things (like randomly generated missions in MMOs), but there are also occasions of games with actual authors and professional writers attached.
That leads me neatly into a point I've wanted to bring up for a long time. A while back I stumbled across an epic arguement on a forum about the quality of the story behind the Halo games. One party claiming the writing could be disfavourably compared to being attacked and eaten by zombies, the other party claiming it was inspired by divine sources and milked from the nipple of Aphrodite herself.
Obviously I've already revealed my side in this arguement. The Halo story is as enthralling as a damp rag. The part that really made me laugh was when side one argued about how horrible the story was, side two replied with the following.
"If you read the novels you'll see why the halo story is so awesome."
I've never looked at the Halo novels, I don't know if they are well written, or what. But here we have the subtle collapse of the pro-halo-story arguement. The arguement is that the Halo story is horrifically bad, the Halo story is seperate to the novel. It's like someone saying the Spiderman movies are great because X happened in the comics (I know, not entirely metaphorically correct, but the point stands). The Halo novels are giving the setting and characters to an actual author and saying "What can you do with this, having been given this background information?". When arguing about the quality of a game's storyline, all you can utilise is the game itself.
Now, let's finish on something completely different.
Awwwwww..
Showing posts with label Writing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Writing. Show all posts
Friday, April 3, 2009
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Narrative stupidity
People who know me, or long term readers will be familiar with the fact that I have a genuine... I won't say phobia, but in the region, about Zombies. If I watch a zombie movie, I cannot sleep that night. Very little other stuff has that impact on me. Zombies just freak me the hell out. In an effort to combat this I am forcing myself to watch Zombie movies at every available opportunity (in daylight, to minimise the negative effect. Baby-steps fellows, baby steps.).
One of my recent attempts was watching the remake of Dawn of the Dead. A pretty meh movie, and the speed of the zombies actually lessens the impact they have on me, but it made me think of something (stop reading if you don't want spoilers, but this doesn't give away too much, really). I can understand from a narrative perspective WHY the survivors decided to venture out to try and find somewhere safer, it moves the story along beyond "here be living people in the mall, there be dead outside" to a direct confrontation with masses of the living dead which makes for a more climactic finish. It doesn't change the fact the plan is FUCKING STUPID.
Like I said, from a narrative standpoint it makes sense, it moves the story along into something like a peak of action, but it is still completely moronic. They're abandoning a safehouse with food, water and protection (and yes, I do understand that their idea of it being safe has been shaken, doesn't stop the plan being stupid) to attempt to cross through no-man's land in the hope of there being a better safehouse elsewhere. Sorry guys and dolls, but that is completely moronic. They even try to lampshade it by having one of the characters define it in those terms and then agree with it anyway. It doesn't work, it just makes him look like a moron because he knows what's happening but goes along with it anyway.
Their logic is something like this: "If we stay here, eventually we'll probably all be killed. But if we go out there, we'll all have a much higher chance of being killed for a short time, then if we survive in the near future we MIGHT find somewhere safer then we are."
When the narrative requires your characters act like complete idiots, don't expect your audience to not notice. Hell, in the horror genre this is a common occurence.
"What are you doing! Don't friggin' split up!"
"Yeah, great plan, go and check out the dark room by yourself without telling anyone where you're going."
"Why in the name of CHRIST are you leaving the tent without a weapon, despite knowing there's an undead bear trying to eat you!?"
It is Jason's superpower. He inspires idiocy in his victims.
One of my recent attempts was watching the remake of Dawn of the Dead. A pretty meh movie, and the speed of the zombies actually lessens the impact they have on me, but it made me think of something (stop reading if you don't want spoilers, but this doesn't give away too much, really). I can understand from a narrative perspective WHY the survivors decided to venture out to try and find somewhere safer, it moves the story along beyond "here be living people in the mall, there be dead outside" to a direct confrontation with masses of the living dead which makes for a more climactic finish. It doesn't change the fact the plan is FUCKING STUPID.
Like I said, from a narrative standpoint it makes sense, it moves the story along into something like a peak of action, but it is still completely moronic. They're abandoning a safehouse with food, water and protection (and yes, I do understand that their idea of it being safe has been shaken, doesn't stop the plan being stupid) to attempt to cross through no-man's land in the hope of there being a better safehouse elsewhere. Sorry guys and dolls, but that is completely moronic. They even try to lampshade it by having one of the characters define it in those terms and then agree with it anyway. It doesn't work, it just makes him look like a moron because he knows what's happening but goes along with it anyway.
Their logic is something like this: "If we stay here, eventually we'll probably all be killed. But if we go out there, we'll all have a much higher chance of being killed for a short time, then if we survive in the near future we MIGHT find somewhere safer then we are."
When the narrative requires your characters act like complete idiots, don't expect your audience to not notice. Hell, in the horror genre this is a common occurence.
"What are you doing! Don't friggin' split up!"
"Yeah, great plan, go and check out the dark room by yourself without telling anyone where you're going."
"Why in the name of CHRIST are you leaving the tent without a weapon, despite knowing there's an undead bear trying to eat you!?"
It is Jason's superpower. He inspires idiocy in his victims.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
"Perfect" writing
I got into a debate very recently about defining 'perfect' writing. It stemmed from a friend telling me fanboys are panning the new Watchmen movie, to which I replied that didn't matter, since I wasn't a fanboy. From there it got into a point where I stated a fan will acknowledge something as masterfully done, a fanboy will insist it is perfect.
To call anything done by humankind perfect is to do the word an injustice.
Perfection is an unattainable goal, one that should still be sought for by people attempting to create things, but still completely unattainable. Nothing will ever be perfect, and if I ever meet a writer who is willing to say they think a piece of writing they did was perfect and nothing they could do would ever improve upon it, I would say they are a lazy writer rather then an excellent one.
The Watchman comic (I refuse the use the term Graphic Novel, and if you ever catch me using it, feel free to give me a verbal backhander) is an amazing story. It is a psychological profile of a world outside of our own yet so intimately familiar. It's an incredible story of social mores and morals. It's an amazing glimpse of a history that never happened. But it is NOT a perfect story (I am so going to get mugged by some guy in a Rorshach mask later).
Perfection is at best a subjective interpretation of something. If I judged Watchmen as a perfect comic, I would be stamping a subjective label on it, something that cannot be objectively verified, but even then I believe I would be simply deluding myself, since the moment something is called perfect, it denies that improvements can be made on anything. Since interpretation of a narrative (or really any form of art) is subjective, this cannot be true since perfection for one individual is not perfection for another, and thus improvements can always be made.
Ok, I admit, that last paragraph didn't make much sense, think about it like this: Perfection is something that can be true in two ways.
1. Objectively. If you have a perfect 100ml container, it will hold 100ml of water perfectly. This is objective perfection, in that it cannot be improved upon. The moment this container holds 100ml perfectly there is no way in which it can be improved in the task of holding 100ml of liquid.
2. Subjectively. If something is subjectively perfect, it is judged as perfect by an individual. This means the individual has decreed in their own mind that there is absolutely NO way something can improve upon the design/substance of the item in question. In my view, this is entirely wrong.
Someone can discuss "the perfect car", but it negates the idea that it could be supplanted by another "perfect car" in the future. A story can be "perfect", but that states that nothing can ever outdo that story in what it is attempting to do.
The moment something is labelled as perfect, I believe people are being close-minded. This is one of the reasons I dislike fanboys, since they are closing their mind to the idea of improvement by describing something as perfect. This is also a reason I always go into movie adaptations of previous stories with a sense of hope, believe that even if the adaptation is DIFFERENT, it may still be good.
That is, of course, completely ignoring my inherent uneasiness of remakes, adaptations and sequels as "max profit min brainpower" factory-produced movies, but I've talked enough about that in the past.
To call anything done by humankind perfect is to do the word an injustice.
Perfection is an unattainable goal, one that should still be sought for by people attempting to create things, but still completely unattainable. Nothing will ever be perfect, and if I ever meet a writer who is willing to say they think a piece of writing they did was perfect and nothing they could do would ever improve upon it, I would say they are a lazy writer rather then an excellent one.
The Watchman comic (I refuse the use the term Graphic Novel, and if you ever catch me using it, feel free to give me a verbal backhander) is an amazing story. It is a psychological profile of a world outside of our own yet so intimately familiar. It's an incredible story of social mores and morals. It's an amazing glimpse of a history that never happened. But it is NOT a perfect story (I am so going to get mugged by some guy in a Rorshach mask later).
Perfection is at best a subjective interpretation of something. If I judged Watchmen as a perfect comic, I would be stamping a subjective label on it, something that cannot be objectively verified, but even then I believe I would be simply deluding myself, since the moment something is called perfect, it denies that improvements can be made on anything. Since interpretation of a narrative (or really any form of art) is subjective, this cannot be true since perfection for one individual is not perfection for another, and thus improvements can always be made.
Ok, I admit, that last paragraph didn't make much sense, think about it like this: Perfection is something that can be true in two ways.
1. Objectively. If you have a perfect 100ml container, it will hold 100ml of water perfectly. This is objective perfection, in that it cannot be improved upon. The moment this container holds 100ml perfectly there is no way in which it can be improved in the task of holding 100ml of liquid.
2. Subjectively. If something is subjectively perfect, it is judged as perfect by an individual. This means the individual has decreed in their own mind that there is absolutely NO way something can improve upon the design/substance of the item in question. In my view, this is entirely wrong.
Someone can discuss "the perfect car", but it negates the idea that it could be supplanted by another "perfect car" in the future. A story can be "perfect", but that states that nothing can ever outdo that story in what it is attempting to do.
The moment something is labelled as perfect, I believe people are being close-minded. This is one of the reasons I dislike fanboys, since they are closing their mind to the idea of improvement by describing something as perfect. This is also a reason I always go into movie adaptations of previous stories with a sense of hope, believe that even if the adaptation is DIFFERENT, it may still be good.
That is, of course, completely ignoring my inherent uneasiness of remakes, adaptations and sequels as "max profit min brainpower" factory-produced movies, but I've talked enough about that in the past.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Crowning Moment of Awesome
My room currently smells like the poo of a two year old, since a two year old from next door just used his nappy to it's full capacity in my room, then refused to leave.
CROWNING MOMENT OF AWESOME.
Just the title is awesome.
It's a story-based trope in which a character does something that forever earns them the title of "genuinely awesome". Most stories aim for a crowning moment of awesome, some even maintain a genuinely high level that in other shows could be attributed as a 'moment of awesome', but the greatness of the crowning moment is that it stands out so much. It is that one moment of a character you see, that makes you forever love the character, or at least respect them.
WARNING: Some of these may be spoilers. If you haven't read or seen the story they're culled from, look away.
Transformers: The Movie (the late 80s one, not the new one) -
Optimus Prime single-handedly kicks the crap out of the entire Decepticon assault force, then smacks down Megatron into mutually assured destruction, which only happened because Megatron cheated.
Spiderman -
Spiderman fought Morlun, a mystical being who planned to 'feast' on Spiderman's spirit, and who was stronger, faster and tougher then Spiderman, easily a whole degree of power stronger then the web-slinger. He kicked the CRAP out of Spiderman in their first meeting, literally nearly killing him until a new friend of Spidey showed up and sacrificed himself to distract him long enough for Spidey to escape.
Spiderman put together some scientific do-dee-do that finally weakened the bad guy, and Spiderman proceeded to beat him down. Not in a dramatic close-fight, but in a genuine "I am going to kick the SNOT out of you while you are down" fight. And what did Spiderman say to him?
"How does it feel, Morlun? How does it feel to be facing someone who won't give up and run away? How does it feel to be on the receiving end of the unstoppable force? How. Does. It. FEEL?"
Awesome.
Beast Wars -
Dinobot has been going through a crisis of faith. He realises the reasons he joined the Maximals (Megatron had misled the Predacons) were wrong, and when he rejoined the Predacons he again turned on his old comrades to save a Maximal he had grown to have an antagonistic friendship with. Now neither side trusted him, and he was left alone.
This is made worse by finding out while he was a Predacon again, he gave Megatron access to ultimate power, the greatest power around, the power to change history itself. Seeing Megatron leading his troops in wiping out the early humans from Earth, and knowing reinforcements won't get there in time to stop them, Dinobot goes up against the Entire Predacon Force alone.
And wins. But is fatally wounded. His last ever words are a Shakespeare quote. "Tell my tale to those who ask it. Tell it truly, the evil deeds along with the good, and let me be judged accordingly. The rest... is silence."
Deadpool -
Deadpool is one of those people who violate the "consistantly high standards mean there can be no crowning moment of awesomeness" rule. But if you need one moment, one shinning moment of brilliantness, here. http://community.livejournal.com/scans_daily/2775292.html.
"I'm glad you're dead! If I could I'd kill you again! Then I'd go back in time, impregnate each of your mothers to make sure you were born... and I'd kill you again!"
The mind and pleasure gland weeps with joy.
Firefly -
This show is full of them, surprisingly, for a show that didn't make it to a dozen episodes. One of my favourite is the second episode in, the crew have just turned on the big bad criminal who gave them employment, but since the crew are honest crooks they give the money back. They've captured the second in command sent to kill them and tell them they're going to give it back.
"Keep the money. Use it to buy a funeral. It doesn't matter where you go or how far you fly. I will hunt you down, and the last thing you see will be my blade."
So the captain kicks him into the engines and makes the same offer to the next guy in line, who wisely accepts.
EDIT: ADDITIONAL
Pirates of the Caribbean -
I can't believe I forgot this one. The introduction of Captain Jack Sparrow. And the reveal in the final fight sequence. And his ability to talk his way through the entire second and third movie with nothing to barter with. In fact, he's like Deadpool, he violates the rule.
Blues Brothers -
"It's 106 miles to Chicago. We got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses."
"Hit it."
Street Fighter -
The movie sucked, but there was one line that shall forever live on.
"My dear, to you, the day Bison gracedyour village (and killed your father) was the most important day of your life. To me, it was... Tuesday."
Indepedance Day -
"Hello boys! I'm back!"
Going down in style. It made up for the fact the guy was an annoying hick for most of the movie.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory -
The reveal of the factory and singing scene.
The 13th Warrior -
When the main character realises the foes he face are only human.
Fight Club -
If I have to describe this, you obviously haven't seen the movie, and as such should leave civilised society until you have at least seen the movie. Once you have done that, you may return.
Lord of the Rings -
It must get props. Boromir fighting on with THREE ARROWS in his chest. He still keeps fighting. It's the one time when a loss seems so. god. damned. worth it.
What're your own favourite 'crowning moments of awesome'?
- 77. I am highly bemused how someone ended up on this blog. They googled searched a particular site (which I won't mention here), which I then searched to find out what it was. Nerd porn. Literal Nerd Porn. Before anyone thinks it, no I haven't bookmarked the site.
CROWNING MOMENT OF AWESOME.
Just the title is awesome.
It's a story-based trope in which a character does something that forever earns them the title of "genuinely awesome". Most stories aim for a crowning moment of awesome, some even maintain a genuinely high level that in other shows could be attributed as a 'moment of awesome', but the greatness of the crowning moment is that it stands out so much. It is that one moment of a character you see, that makes you forever love the character, or at least respect them.
WARNING: Some of these may be spoilers. If you haven't read or seen the story they're culled from, look away.
Transformers: The Movie (the late 80s one, not the new one) -
Optimus Prime single-handedly kicks the crap out of the entire Decepticon assault force, then smacks down Megatron into mutually assured destruction, which only happened because Megatron cheated.
Spiderman -
Spiderman fought Morlun, a mystical being who planned to 'feast' on Spiderman's spirit, and who was stronger, faster and tougher then Spiderman, easily a whole degree of power stronger then the web-slinger. He kicked the CRAP out of Spiderman in their first meeting, literally nearly killing him until a new friend of Spidey showed up and sacrificed himself to distract him long enough for Spidey to escape.
Spiderman put together some scientific do-dee-do that finally weakened the bad guy, and Spiderman proceeded to beat him down. Not in a dramatic close-fight, but in a genuine "I am going to kick the SNOT out of you while you are down" fight. And what did Spiderman say to him?
"How does it feel, Morlun? How does it feel to be facing someone who won't give up and run away? How does it feel to be on the receiving end of the unstoppable force? How. Does. It. FEEL?"
Awesome.
Beast Wars -
Dinobot has been going through a crisis of faith. He realises the reasons he joined the Maximals (Megatron had misled the Predacons) were wrong, and when he rejoined the Predacons he again turned on his old comrades to save a Maximal he had grown to have an antagonistic friendship with. Now neither side trusted him, and he was left alone.
This is made worse by finding out while he was a Predacon again, he gave Megatron access to ultimate power, the greatest power around, the power to change history itself. Seeing Megatron leading his troops in wiping out the early humans from Earth, and knowing reinforcements won't get there in time to stop them, Dinobot goes up against the Entire Predacon Force alone.
And wins. But is fatally wounded. His last ever words are a Shakespeare quote. "Tell my tale to those who ask it. Tell it truly, the evil deeds along with the good, and let me be judged accordingly. The rest... is silence."
Deadpool -
Deadpool is one of those people who violate the "consistantly high standards mean there can be no crowning moment of awesomeness" rule. But if you need one moment, one shinning moment of brilliantness, here. http://community.livejournal.com/scans_daily/2775292.html.
"I'm glad you're dead! If I could I'd kill you again! Then I'd go back in time, impregnate each of your mothers to make sure you were born... and I'd kill you again!"
The mind and pleasure gland weeps with joy.
Firefly -
This show is full of them, surprisingly, for a show that didn't make it to a dozen episodes. One of my favourite is the second episode in, the crew have just turned on the big bad criminal who gave them employment, but since the crew are honest crooks they give the money back. They've captured the second in command sent to kill them and tell them they're going to give it back.
"Keep the money. Use it to buy a funeral. It doesn't matter where you go or how far you fly. I will hunt you down, and the last thing you see will be my blade."
So the captain kicks him into the engines and makes the same offer to the next guy in line, who wisely accepts.
EDIT: ADDITIONAL
Pirates of the Caribbean -
I can't believe I forgot this one. The introduction of Captain Jack Sparrow. And the reveal in the final fight sequence. And his ability to talk his way through the entire second and third movie with nothing to barter with. In fact, he's like Deadpool, he violates the rule.
Blues Brothers -
"It's 106 miles to Chicago. We got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses."
"Hit it."
Street Fighter -
The movie sucked, but there was one line that shall forever live on.
"My dear, to you, the day Bison gracedyour village (and killed your father) was the most important day of your life. To me, it was... Tuesday."
Indepedance Day -
"Hello boys! I'm back!"
Going down in style. It made up for the fact the guy was an annoying hick for most of the movie.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory -
The reveal of the factory and singing scene.
The 13th Warrior -
When the main character realises the foes he face are only human.
Fight Club -
If I have to describe this, you obviously haven't seen the movie, and as such should leave civilised society until you have at least seen the movie. Once you have done that, you may return.
Lord of the Rings -
It must get props. Boromir fighting on with THREE ARROWS in his chest. He still keeps fighting. It's the one time when a loss seems so. god. damned. worth it.
What're your own favourite 'crowning moments of awesome'?
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Rome: 1. Barbarians: 0
'Why' is an intrinsically funny question. Think about it, a majority of the jokes deal with 'why'. 'Why did the chicken cross the road'. You never get asked 'When did the chicken cross the road', presumably sometime before it showed up on the other side. 'How' did the chicken cross the road? Leg musculature evolved over millions of years. 'Who' did the chicken cross the road? That's a bit of a surreal question.
As regular readers of my blog know, I write. I want to write for a living, but for now I'm content to write for myself. I was going through a few things earlier today when I found a story I wrote when Rome: Total War was the new big thing, four years ago. I couldn't even remember writing this until I saw it. I think ever writer aspires to reach a point where they read over something they don't remember writing, and like it. I think I must be easy to please, since I enjoyed reading this.
It's a recreation of an actual battle fought in the game, with some appropriate dramatic license. Hopefully you enjoy it as much as I did. If you enjoy it, thank you. If you don't, remember I was 17 when I wrote this. I write much better things now. No I'm not going to show you what I've written recently to prove it.
P.S. Why yes, I am just posting this to get out of having to do a 'real' post. You want a real post, make a blog of your own, bucko.
"Catapults, fire!" Marcus Julius chopped his hand down in an exaggerated gesture, so that even if the catapult crews didn't hear his voice, they would know to shoot. After a few moments, the flaming balls streaked into the night's air, flying over the gates of the town to crash into a collected group of swordsman, spearmen and beserkers. Men who were not killed instantly by the impact ran screaming through the town, rolling on the ground, trying to find a way to extinguish the burning flames. Marcus turned to his second-in-command, a young cousin brought along to give him some experience of life on the frontier. Marcus smirked slightly, seeing Quintus wince at the sounds of the German's screams echoing through the night. A few years under his command would turn the boy into a man, thought Marcus.
"Like music to our ear's, isn't it boy?" Marcus glanced back at the town, the catapults letting off another volley, sailing over their heads. Out of the four shots, one sailed low, landing dangerously close to a unit of Legionaires. Marcus made a mental note to have that catapult opperator flogged at the end of the battle. He glanced back at his young cousin to see the boy frowning at him.
"Have you forgotten that is the sound of men dying, Cousin?" said the boy. Marcus' hand lashed out, backhanding the yound man across the face, and knocking him from his horse. One of Quintus' retainers leapt off his own horse to help the man to his feet. Luca, the grizzeled veteran centurian who had for some reason attached himself to the boy glared up at Marcus.
"Don't look at me like that, old man! I am general of this army, he will show me some respect!" Marcus snapped, his own bodyguard glaring back at the centurian's manner, as Quintus' looked ready to draw swords and defend their lord's honour.
"I'm alright!" shouted Quintus, quickly pulling himself to his feet with the aid of Luca. Within a matter of moments he nimbly leapt back onto his horse, and gripped the reins.
"We'll head to the western flank of the army, 'commander'", Quintus somehow managed to make the title seem an insult, "If you head to the Eastern flank." Marcus opened his mouth to protest, then realised the boy was right, it was the correct tactical decision. He nodded, then repeated the order louder, as if to suggest it was his idea.
Marcus glanced at Captain Manias. "Order the Balista's to start firing on the gate, and remember to light the bolts." He then wheeled his horse away and began heading off at a gallop towards the eastern side of the army.
The Roman army seemed a daunting sight in the night, thought Adalgard, as he stared out from the hill at their lines. At the centre, the Romans had a unit of Praetorian's standing firm, and two units of their Legionaire cohorts stood at either side. In front of all of these men stood eight balistas, arranged in groups of two and spread out in front of the lines. His eyes could barely make out the men twisting the cranks of the complex machinary, and even those scant outlines were only because of the crackling flame at the end of the bolt. Suddenly, two bolts were released, one crashing into a guard tower along the walls of the city, setting the structure alight, the bowman within it collapsing out of the tower within a few moments, rolling along the ground to try and extinguish the flames. The second bolt flew high and crashed into the roof of a hut near the walls, setting it on fire as well. His eyes wandered back to the Roman lines, spotting over one hundred men on either flank, jeering into the night, yelling insults at the city. The Romans couldn't even fight their own battles, they enlisted the aid of those they strove to wipe out. His eyes then wandered to the rest of the army. Behind the Praetorians and Legionaires stood near two hundred and fifty archers. A line of fire before them, but none with arrows noched. Usually, he would see that as a sign of insanity from any commander, but arrows were better in open battle, while the Onagers next to the archers bombarded his forces with ease, far out of the range of even his best javlin throwers. Behind the Romans archers stood a large unit of javlin armed cavalry. When his scouts reported a thousand strong Roman force moving to beseige the city, Adalgard never expected it would be a challange. He had over one thousand eight hundred men under his command! In open battle, the romans would be crushed, but this was not an open battle. The roman's used their own city against them. For the Germans to attack the roman force, they would need to open the gate and sally out, which would mean leading his soldiers through the choke-hold that was the gate, and into the view of all those archers and balistas. It was a pure killing ground, and he would have little army left by the time it reached the cursed Romans.
Adalgard regretted killing that old man, now. He and a small force of cavalry had struck out one morning in a raid of the nearby Dacians, about twenty years ago now, but on the way back they encountered an old man in Roman livary, with a small bodyguard, and slaughtered him without hesitation, looting the fine jewelry from his body. He later discovered that the old man was Cassius Julius, the named heir of the Julii house of Rome. The Julii had then begun systematically wiping his people out. They had struck west with lightning speed, taking Lemonum and Narbo Martius within six months, cutting the Germans off from their allies, the Spanish. All Adalgard could do is hear the pleas of the spanish envoys, asking for help as the Romans systematically conquered their cities and enslaved their people. He knew he had no hope of getting an army past to help them, and he just built up his forces in anticipation of the war to come. He was distracted by his reminising by the sound of one of the bolts from a balista striking the wooden gate. He looked down in time to see a unit of spearmen moving to guard the gate with their lives. If the bolts managed to take down the gate, the Romans would invariably charge, and if they got a foothold within the city, the battle would become far bloodier.
"But how could it be bloodier..." he wondered aloud. The soothsayer next to him glanced over.
"You spoke, Warlord?" said the old man, one finger casually twirling the end of his white beard, seeming undisturbed by the carnage of his countrymen.
"No, I did not sayer. Now get back to convincing the gods to strike down these cursed men..." Adalgard saw a flaming pot of whatever the Romans were throwing at them crash down amidst a unit of his best axemen, many of them fleeing in terror, the rest either crushed or burned alive. His attention was distracted by the sight of another Balista bolt flying towards the gate. The soothsayers eyes widened for a few moments before it happened, then the flaming bolt crashed through the wood, impaling two hapless spearmen, setting them both on fire, and knocking them back into the ranked men behind them. The second bolt knocked the damaged gate open, taking another spearman in the face, ending him in an instant.
"Ready yourself men!" cried Adalgard, another unit of spearmen rushing to aid the first in holding back the invaders.
Quintus looked down the line at the unmoving ranks of Legionaires, the battles of their lives having long ago hardened them to the screams of the dead and dying. The gate had been opened by his siege weapons, so why wasn't Marcus charging? Was he so content to slaughter hapless men?
Marcus glanced down the line, a grin crossing his face. "Catapults! Double your efforts! I want to know ten minutes in advance before you run out of ammunition!"The Roman line didn't move, save to reload the balista's and catapults. The engineers in charge of the Balista's redirected their weaponry to pre-chosen positions in the walls, the flaming bolts crashing through the wooden walls, setting them alight, and weakening the structure.
Adalgard's eyes widened as he realised what the Romans were doing. "Curse them! Cowardly dogs!" he cried. The Roman's were content to sit there, all night if needed. Their Catapults rained death on his already demoralised soldiers, and their balista's knocked a couple of holes in his walls. He quickly turned to one of his messenders, passing on orders to redirecte soldiers to guard the new holes, standing to the sides of them so as not to expose themselves to the flaming bolts. He turned back to survey the situation, just in time to see the flaming balista bolt.
"Get down!" he shouted, ducking as he did so. The Soothsayer turned in surprise, and was taken by the bolt full in the chest, knocking him back off his horse, and sliding him dozens of feet along the ground. Adalgard turned away from the disgusting sight, and shouted orders to all the messengers waiting for his commands.
"All troops are to pull back to the town centre! We should be out of their Onager range there!" With that he wheeled his horse and shouted the order to his own retainers, before charging off to help the messengers deliver his command. As his soldiers moved to obey, more balls of fire fell from the sky, burning men alive, and scaring the wits out of their companions. Adalgard took stock of his situation. Out of his initial one thousand eight hundred men, he was lucky if he could count twelve hundred, and not a warrior amongst them could fight at their peak, they'd been running around to avoid catapult shots all night, and their will had been broken by the horendous sights they had seen. He wondered if they could stand up to the Legions now?
The Legionaire ran towards Marcus, stopping a few feet from his commander and standing at attention.
"Sir! The Onagers have three more rounds left." Marcus grinned, then turned to the messengers, waiting on their horses.
"Second and Third cohort are to move through the west break in the walls, taking up defensive positions on either side to allow second archers Auxillia through. Forth and Fifth are to do the same on the eastern break, with third archers Auxillia in. First cohort is to take up positions on either side of the gate so as to remain unseen, got it?" The messengers nodded, then sped off to inform the relevant troops.
Quintus had to admire the discipline of his cousin's soldiers as the marched through the gap and took up their positions on either side, allowing just enough space for the archers to stand. From his position atop his horse he could see the German warlord shouting out orders, and his soldiers rushing to obey. A group of axe armed warriors moved into position to charge the Second cohort, but their will faltered as dozens of pilums arched through the air, cutting men down where they stood. Still, they charged, and were broken across the broad shields of the Legionaires, fleeing back into the night. Another pilum salvo crossed the distance, and men screamed in pain as the heavy javlin-like weapons burried into their backs. Of the sixty or so men who charged, a little less then twenty survived the retreat. As if realising the folly of so few men trying to break a Legionaire position, over two hundred spearmen took up position and moved to charge the fifth cohort, slowly crossing the distance with their spears outstretched. The fifth and fourth turned to face the spearmen, and released a salvo of their pilums, before falling back. The sharp javlins fell many germans warriors, but the march continued. Suddenly, on order from General Marcus, the First Praetorian cohort burst through the gates and fell upon the rear of the Spearmen, slaughtering many as they stood. Quickly the Praetorian's disengaged, not a single red-adorned body amidst the many barbarian corpses. The Spearmen, operating on instinct more then orders, turned to face the new threat, opening themselves to a volley from the archers with forth and fifth cohorts. Third archer Auxillia's arrows tore through the spearmen, cutting many down as they stood, the cries of pain echoing through the city. Unsure of how to deal with this many threats, the spearmen broke ranks and ran, falling back to the town centre, the arrows of the third archer Auxillia falling many of them as they ran, of the over-two hundred spearmen initially, the germans would be lucky to count fifty. Suddenly Quintus' attention was drawn to a young man waiting by his horse, and he looked down at the messenger.
"General Marcus commands that you take up position behind the second archer Auxillia in two counts of one hundred, M'lord". Quintus nodded his thanks at the man, and began a silent count in his head, watching the ease at which the five Cohorts of the army formed up a solid line at the base of the hill in the middle of the city, where the town centre was stationed. Behind them the two Archer Auxillia formed up on the left and right flanks, leaving room for the first archer Auxillia in the centre. At the second count of one hundred, his unit of horsemen moved to their alloted position. He could see the Cavalry Auxillia and Marcus' unit of horsemen moving into position as well, and the Barbarian mercenaries threading their way through the horses get line up before the Legionaires.
Adalgard could do nothing but watch as his men were driven back to the town centre. He had less then a thousand now, and he could do nothing but watch as the Romans moved into position. They had an easy three hundred and fifty legionaires standing in line, with the full complement of two hundred and fifty archers. As well as that, the Barbarians standing before them easily numbered over two hundred, and near a hundred cavalrymen had taken up positions behind the lines. Occasionally one of Adalgards own units would break ranks and try to charge, only for their moral to break after coming into sight of the Roman units, and being peppered by archers. At least they seemed safe here, thought Adalgard.
"Archers ignite" said Marcus calmly, the centurian to his right repeating the command, but far louder. The archers tipped their arrows downwards into the recently prepared line of fire, the tips igniting."Draw back" Marcus said, the centurian once more repeating the command. He waited a few moments, to see if any more Barbarians were making a stupid charge over the hill. When none came, he spoke again.
"Fire"
"FIRE!" repeated the centurian, and a wave of flame and smoke washed out into the air, arcing over the hill into the unseen mass of the unwashed.
Adalgard screamed his frustration as dozens of men fell to the flaming arrows, collapsing to the ground screaming. The warlord glanced around his warriors. None of them had the heart to charge the Romans, but if they did not they would be crushed. Another volley of fire arrows lanced over the hilltop to crash into his horde, dozens more falling in agony, several being silenced and put out of their misery by the hands of their own friends.
Marcus watched the archers put five fire volleys into the air, before he ordered the halt. He turned to the centurian.
"All forces advance so that the archers have room to stand on the flat ground of the hill. And send the Barbarian mercenaries around their rear flank to hit them if they try to run." The centurian turned to the forces, as the messenger moved to inform the Barbarians of their orders.
"ALL MEN, FORWARD SEVENTY PACES! BY YOUR LEFT... MARCH!" The army began a slow measured march. The Centurian's measurements were spot on, thought Marcus, which is why he works for me. The archers once more quickly readied several lines of fire before their lines. Marcus gazed out over the Barbarian horde, noting with satisfaction how many had been killed by the flames. He turned to the leader of the Cavalry Auxillia.
"Follow my cousin, Father and Uncle would be quite annoyed if he died on campaign." He then turned to a nearby messenger. "Tell Quintus to march around behind that longhouse, when the Legionaire's hit the Barbarians, both my unit and his will hit their flanks." The messenger nodded and ran to the other side of the line. Marcus nodded at the Centurian.
"Archers! Ignite!" cried out the centurian once more.
Adalgard turned to his men, seeing the fear etched across their faces. What they fought weren't men, they were demons in disguise. They fought like monsters, but completely in synchronisation. No man could fight so orderly. Suddenly, the rain of fire arrows stopped. The solid line of over three hundred and fifty Legionaires began a slow march forward. Adalgard turned once more to see the five hundred men under his command, then let loose a bellowing warcry, and led the charge. Seeing their warchief march to fight, the army rallied and followed him, hitting the middle of the Legionaire line, right in the midst of the Praetorian cohort. Several of Adalgard's bodyguards pushed their way through the shield wall, but were soon cut down by the Praetorians in the latter ranks. Before the four cohorts of Legionaires could turn to flank him, the German forces began their charge. A single volley of pilums arched out, but the dozens of men who fell did not deter the warriors ferocity as the axemen hit the legionaires. The two units of remaining Spearmen entered the formation they had trained years to be able to do, and were about to hit the Legionaires when suddenly cavalrymen crashed into their flanks, halving their numbers in a matter of moments, then continuing on past the fleeing spearmen, hitting the axemen from behind. The German's bloodlust turned once more to panic as they realised they were surrounded. The Cavalry Auxilia that came around with one of the cavalry units rode past the battle, unleashing a volley of javlins into the ranks of the german army, one javlin even taking out the horse of Adalgard. He was thrown off it's back as the horse reared, and rolled away just in time as the horses bulk crashed down where he had landed. He quickly got to his feet and resumed the fight, his axe crashing over the shield of one Legionaire, taking the man in the face. Before he could turn to another target, he felt a burning pain in his back, and he collapsed onto his front...
Quintus' sword slid out of the warriors's back. He hated to kill from behind, but the man would only kill more of his countrymen if he wasn't stopped. He wheeled his horse to see a German horseman's sword slicing towards him, and he only just deflected the blow in time. Before he could counter attack, Luca's own sword stabbed forward, taking the man in the stomach. The Centurian and the Prince nodded at each other once, before turning back to the fray. He could see Marcus' company cutting through the Germans from the other side. No quarter was given as the once massive German army was cut down. The Legionaire's slowly moved foward, pushing the German horde backwards as it was cut down. Finally, some of the Germans moved to flee, running to the town centre, only to see it beind held by over two hundred barbarians fighting for the Romans, who cut them down. Quintus had to turn away at the bloodthirsty and desperate battle for the town centre between the two barbarian forces.
"Charge men!" cried Marcus to his bodyguard, spurning his horse onwards. He wished to be the one who took the centre, not that ragtag bunch of unwashed warriors. His unit charged forward, crashing into the back end of the two hundred or so German warriors left. His sword cut down one man, as another was crushed beneath his horses hooves. He never saw the axe that arched upwards, crashing into his chest and knocking him off his horse. He landed almost painfully on his back. Almost painfully, because by now his entire body felt cold and numb, blood covering his front as his eyes glazed over.
"Marcus!" cried out Quintus, seeing his cousin fall. He spurned his horse onwards, his bodyguard quickly following him into the fray as he crashed into the enemy, the combined weight of two cavalry charges into their number, against the anvil of two hundred mercenaries, finally spelt the death toll of the remaining Germans.
"Here are the final reports Sir" said Luca as he held out several pieces of parchment. On them detailed the casualties to both sides, a report of the battle, and a short testemony to how glorious Marcus' death was, serving his country. The German forces had been cut down to a man, not a single one surviving. The town was badly damaged by Marcus's catapult bombardment, but one of Marcus' retainers had told Quintus that he had planned to enslave the entire population anyway, so it was obvious his cousin had not cared about the damage. Quintus had put men in charge of helping to rebuild the damage done, as well as getting an architect in to aid in the improvement of the town, with sewers and an aqueduct planned. He had plenty of men to aid in the reconstruction. Each Legionaire cohort had lost no more then thirty men, and the Praetorians only a dozen.
"Thank you, Luca." Said acting general Quintus, taking the parchment and putting it into a small bag, along with a personal letter he had written to his mother and father. He handed it to the mounted messenger beside him.
"Ride fast and well, friend. Let all of Rome know about our glorious victory."
He spoke the words, but they seemed hollow for some reason.
- 65. If I live to be 65, I'll be happy. I'm 21 now, in 44 years it'll be 2052. 2052! That's the friggin' future! If by then we don't have magic immortality juice, intersystem flight, and a way to make good tasting healthy food, it ain't worth going on.
As regular readers of my blog know, I write. I want to write for a living, but for now I'm content to write for myself. I was going through a few things earlier today when I found a story I wrote when Rome: Total War was the new big thing, four years ago. I couldn't even remember writing this until I saw it. I think ever writer aspires to reach a point where they read over something they don't remember writing, and like it. I think I must be easy to please, since I enjoyed reading this.
It's a recreation of an actual battle fought in the game, with some appropriate dramatic license. Hopefully you enjoy it as much as I did. If you enjoy it, thank you. If you don't, remember I was 17 when I wrote this. I write much better things now. No I'm not going to show you what I've written recently to prove it.
P.S. Why yes, I am just posting this to get out of having to do a 'real' post. You want a real post, make a blog of your own, bucko.
"Catapults, fire!" Marcus Julius chopped his hand down in an exaggerated gesture, so that even if the catapult crews didn't hear his voice, they would know to shoot. After a few moments, the flaming balls streaked into the night's air, flying over the gates of the town to crash into a collected group of swordsman, spearmen and beserkers. Men who were not killed instantly by the impact ran screaming through the town, rolling on the ground, trying to find a way to extinguish the burning flames. Marcus turned to his second-in-command, a young cousin brought along to give him some experience of life on the frontier. Marcus smirked slightly, seeing Quintus wince at the sounds of the German's screams echoing through the night. A few years under his command would turn the boy into a man, thought Marcus.
"Like music to our ear's, isn't it boy?" Marcus glanced back at the town, the catapults letting off another volley, sailing over their heads. Out of the four shots, one sailed low, landing dangerously close to a unit of Legionaires. Marcus made a mental note to have that catapult opperator flogged at the end of the battle. He glanced back at his young cousin to see the boy frowning at him.
"Have you forgotten that is the sound of men dying, Cousin?" said the boy. Marcus' hand lashed out, backhanding the yound man across the face, and knocking him from his horse. One of Quintus' retainers leapt off his own horse to help the man to his feet. Luca, the grizzeled veteran centurian who had for some reason attached himself to the boy glared up at Marcus.
"Don't look at me like that, old man! I am general of this army, he will show me some respect!" Marcus snapped, his own bodyguard glaring back at the centurian's manner, as Quintus' looked ready to draw swords and defend their lord's honour.
"I'm alright!" shouted Quintus, quickly pulling himself to his feet with the aid of Luca. Within a matter of moments he nimbly leapt back onto his horse, and gripped the reins.
"We'll head to the western flank of the army, 'commander'", Quintus somehow managed to make the title seem an insult, "If you head to the Eastern flank." Marcus opened his mouth to protest, then realised the boy was right, it was the correct tactical decision. He nodded, then repeated the order louder, as if to suggest it was his idea.
Marcus glanced at Captain Manias. "Order the Balista's to start firing on the gate, and remember to light the bolts." He then wheeled his horse away and began heading off at a gallop towards the eastern side of the army.
The Roman army seemed a daunting sight in the night, thought Adalgard, as he stared out from the hill at their lines. At the centre, the Romans had a unit of Praetorian's standing firm, and two units of their Legionaire cohorts stood at either side. In front of all of these men stood eight balistas, arranged in groups of two and spread out in front of the lines. His eyes could barely make out the men twisting the cranks of the complex machinary, and even those scant outlines were only because of the crackling flame at the end of the bolt. Suddenly, two bolts were released, one crashing into a guard tower along the walls of the city, setting the structure alight, the bowman within it collapsing out of the tower within a few moments, rolling along the ground to try and extinguish the flames. The second bolt flew high and crashed into the roof of a hut near the walls, setting it on fire as well. His eyes wandered back to the Roman lines, spotting over one hundred men on either flank, jeering into the night, yelling insults at the city. The Romans couldn't even fight their own battles, they enlisted the aid of those they strove to wipe out. His eyes then wandered to the rest of the army. Behind the Praetorians and Legionaires stood near two hundred and fifty archers. A line of fire before them, but none with arrows noched. Usually, he would see that as a sign of insanity from any commander, but arrows were better in open battle, while the Onagers next to the archers bombarded his forces with ease, far out of the range of even his best javlin throwers. Behind the Romans archers stood a large unit of javlin armed cavalry. When his scouts reported a thousand strong Roman force moving to beseige the city, Adalgard never expected it would be a challange. He had over one thousand eight hundred men under his command! In open battle, the romans would be crushed, but this was not an open battle. The roman's used their own city against them. For the Germans to attack the roman force, they would need to open the gate and sally out, which would mean leading his soldiers through the choke-hold that was the gate, and into the view of all those archers and balistas. It was a pure killing ground, and he would have little army left by the time it reached the cursed Romans.
Adalgard regretted killing that old man, now. He and a small force of cavalry had struck out one morning in a raid of the nearby Dacians, about twenty years ago now, but on the way back they encountered an old man in Roman livary, with a small bodyguard, and slaughtered him without hesitation, looting the fine jewelry from his body. He later discovered that the old man was Cassius Julius, the named heir of the Julii house of Rome. The Julii had then begun systematically wiping his people out. They had struck west with lightning speed, taking Lemonum and Narbo Martius within six months, cutting the Germans off from their allies, the Spanish. All Adalgard could do is hear the pleas of the spanish envoys, asking for help as the Romans systematically conquered their cities and enslaved their people. He knew he had no hope of getting an army past to help them, and he just built up his forces in anticipation of the war to come. He was distracted by his reminising by the sound of one of the bolts from a balista striking the wooden gate. He looked down in time to see a unit of spearmen moving to guard the gate with their lives. If the bolts managed to take down the gate, the Romans would invariably charge, and if they got a foothold within the city, the battle would become far bloodier.
"But how could it be bloodier..." he wondered aloud. The soothsayer next to him glanced over.
"You spoke, Warlord?" said the old man, one finger casually twirling the end of his white beard, seeming undisturbed by the carnage of his countrymen.
"No, I did not sayer. Now get back to convincing the gods to strike down these cursed men..." Adalgard saw a flaming pot of whatever the Romans were throwing at them crash down amidst a unit of his best axemen, many of them fleeing in terror, the rest either crushed or burned alive. His attention was distracted by the sight of another Balista bolt flying towards the gate. The soothsayers eyes widened for a few moments before it happened, then the flaming bolt crashed through the wood, impaling two hapless spearmen, setting them both on fire, and knocking them back into the ranked men behind them. The second bolt knocked the damaged gate open, taking another spearman in the face, ending him in an instant.
"Ready yourself men!" cried Adalgard, another unit of spearmen rushing to aid the first in holding back the invaders.
Quintus looked down the line at the unmoving ranks of Legionaires, the battles of their lives having long ago hardened them to the screams of the dead and dying. The gate had been opened by his siege weapons, so why wasn't Marcus charging? Was he so content to slaughter hapless men?
Marcus glanced down the line, a grin crossing his face. "Catapults! Double your efforts! I want to know ten minutes in advance before you run out of ammunition!"The Roman line didn't move, save to reload the balista's and catapults. The engineers in charge of the Balista's redirected their weaponry to pre-chosen positions in the walls, the flaming bolts crashing through the wooden walls, setting them alight, and weakening the structure.
Adalgard's eyes widened as he realised what the Romans were doing. "Curse them! Cowardly dogs!" he cried. The Roman's were content to sit there, all night if needed. Their Catapults rained death on his already demoralised soldiers, and their balista's knocked a couple of holes in his walls. He quickly turned to one of his messenders, passing on orders to redirecte soldiers to guard the new holes, standing to the sides of them so as not to expose themselves to the flaming bolts. He turned back to survey the situation, just in time to see the flaming balista bolt.
"Get down!" he shouted, ducking as he did so. The Soothsayer turned in surprise, and was taken by the bolt full in the chest, knocking him back off his horse, and sliding him dozens of feet along the ground. Adalgard turned away from the disgusting sight, and shouted orders to all the messengers waiting for his commands.
"All troops are to pull back to the town centre! We should be out of their Onager range there!" With that he wheeled his horse and shouted the order to his own retainers, before charging off to help the messengers deliver his command. As his soldiers moved to obey, more balls of fire fell from the sky, burning men alive, and scaring the wits out of their companions. Adalgard took stock of his situation. Out of his initial one thousand eight hundred men, he was lucky if he could count twelve hundred, and not a warrior amongst them could fight at their peak, they'd been running around to avoid catapult shots all night, and their will had been broken by the horendous sights they had seen. He wondered if they could stand up to the Legions now?
The Legionaire ran towards Marcus, stopping a few feet from his commander and standing at attention.
"Sir! The Onagers have three more rounds left." Marcus grinned, then turned to the messengers, waiting on their horses.
"Second and Third cohort are to move through the west break in the walls, taking up defensive positions on either side to allow second archers Auxillia through. Forth and Fifth are to do the same on the eastern break, with third archers Auxillia in. First cohort is to take up positions on either side of the gate so as to remain unseen, got it?" The messengers nodded, then sped off to inform the relevant troops.
Quintus had to admire the discipline of his cousin's soldiers as the marched through the gap and took up their positions on either side, allowing just enough space for the archers to stand. From his position atop his horse he could see the German warlord shouting out orders, and his soldiers rushing to obey. A group of axe armed warriors moved into position to charge the Second cohort, but their will faltered as dozens of pilums arched through the air, cutting men down where they stood. Still, they charged, and were broken across the broad shields of the Legionaires, fleeing back into the night. Another pilum salvo crossed the distance, and men screamed in pain as the heavy javlin-like weapons burried into their backs. Of the sixty or so men who charged, a little less then twenty survived the retreat. As if realising the folly of so few men trying to break a Legionaire position, over two hundred spearmen took up position and moved to charge the fifth cohort, slowly crossing the distance with their spears outstretched. The fifth and fourth turned to face the spearmen, and released a salvo of their pilums, before falling back. The sharp javlins fell many germans warriors, but the march continued. Suddenly, on order from General Marcus, the First Praetorian cohort burst through the gates and fell upon the rear of the Spearmen, slaughtering many as they stood. Quickly the Praetorian's disengaged, not a single red-adorned body amidst the many barbarian corpses. The Spearmen, operating on instinct more then orders, turned to face the new threat, opening themselves to a volley from the archers with forth and fifth cohorts. Third archer Auxillia's arrows tore through the spearmen, cutting many down as they stood, the cries of pain echoing through the city. Unsure of how to deal with this many threats, the spearmen broke ranks and ran, falling back to the town centre, the arrows of the third archer Auxillia falling many of them as they ran, of the over-two hundred spearmen initially, the germans would be lucky to count fifty. Suddenly Quintus' attention was drawn to a young man waiting by his horse, and he looked down at the messenger.
"General Marcus commands that you take up position behind the second archer Auxillia in two counts of one hundred, M'lord". Quintus nodded his thanks at the man, and began a silent count in his head, watching the ease at which the five Cohorts of the army formed up a solid line at the base of the hill in the middle of the city, where the town centre was stationed. Behind them the two Archer Auxillia formed up on the left and right flanks, leaving room for the first archer Auxillia in the centre. At the second count of one hundred, his unit of horsemen moved to their alloted position. He could see the Cavalry Auxillia and Marcus' unit of horsemen moving into position as well, and the Barbarian mercenaries threading their way through the horses get line up before the Legionaires.
Adalgard could do nothing but watch as his men were driven back to the town centre. He had less then a thousand now, and he could do nothing but watch as the Romans moved into position. They had an easy three hundred and fifty legionaires standing in line, with the full complement of two hundred and fifty archers. As well as that, the Barbarians standing before them easily numbered over two hundred, and near a hundred cavalrymen had taken up positions behind the lines. Occasionally one of Adalgards own units would break ranks and try to charge, only for their moral to break after coming into sight of the Roman units, and being peppered by archers. At least they seemed safe here, thought Adalgard.
"Archers ignite" said Marcus calmly, the centurian to his right repeating the command, but far louder. The archers tipped their arrows downwards into the recently prepared line of fire, the tips igniting."Draw back" Marcus said, the centurian once more repeating the command. He waited a few moments, to see if any more Barbarians were making a stupid charge over the hill. When none came, he spoke again.
"Fire"
"FIRE!" repeated the centurian, and a wave of flame and smoke washed out into the air, arcing over the hill into the unseen mass of the unwashed.
Adalgard screamed his frustration as dozens of men fell to the flaming arrows, collapsing to the ground screaming. The warlord glanced around his warriors. None of them had the heart to charge the Romans, but if they did not they would be crushed. Another volley of fire arrows lanced over the hilltop to crash into his horde, dozens more falling in agony, several being silenced and put out of their misery by the hands of their own friends.
Marcus watched the archers put five fire volleys into the air, before he ordered the halt. He turned to the centurian.
"All forces advance so that the archers have room to stand on the flat ground of the hill. And send the Barbarian mercenaries around their rear flank to hit them if they try to run." The centurian turned to the forces, as the messenger moved to inform the Barbarians of their orders.
"ALL MEN, FORWARD SEVENTY PACES! BY YOUR LEFT... MARCH!" The army began a slow measured march. The Centurian's measurements were spot on, thought Marcus, which is why he works for me. The archers once more quickly readied several lines of fire before their lines. Marcus gazed out over the Barbarian horde, noting with satisfaction how many had been killed by the flames. He turned to the leader of the Cavalry Auxillia.
"Follow my cousin, Father and Uncle would be quite annoyed if he died on campaign." He then turned to a nearby messenger. "Tell Quintus to march around behind that longhouse, when the Legionaire's hit the Barbarians, both my unit and his will hit their flanks." The messenger nodded and ran to the other side of the line. Marcus nodded at the Centurian.
"Archers! Ignite!" cried out the centurian once more.
Adalgard turned to his men, seeing the fear etched across their faces. What they fought weren't men, they were demons in disguise. They fought like monsters, but completely in synchronisation. No man could fight so orderly. Suddenly, the rain of fire arrows stopped. The solid line of over three hundred and fifty Legionaires began a slow march forward. Adalgard turned once more to see the five hundred men under his command, then let loose a bellowing warcry, and led the charge. Seeing their warchief march to fight, the army rallied and followed him, hitting the middle of the Legionaire line, right in the midst of the Praetorian cohort. Several of Adalgard's bodyguards pushed their way through the shield wall, but were soon cut down by the Praetorians in the latter ranks. Before the four cohorts of Legionaires could turn to flank him, the German forces began their charge. A single volley of pilums arched out, but the dozens of men who fell did not deter the warriors ferocity as the axemen hit the legionaires. The two units of remaining Spearmen entered the formation they had trained years to be able to do, and were about to hit the Legionaires when suddenly cavalrymen crashed into their flanks, halving their numbers in a matter of moments, then continuing on past the fleeing spearmen, hitting the axemen from behind. The German's bloodlust turned once more to panic as they realised they were surrounded. The Cavalry Auxilia that came around with one of the cavalry units rode past the battle, unleashing a volley of javlins into the ranks of the german army, one javlin even taking out the horse of Adalgard. He was thrown off it's back as the horse reared, and rolled away just in time as the horses bulk crashed down where he had landed. He quickly got to his feet and resumed the fight, his axe crashing over the shield of one Legionaire, taking the man in the face. Before he could turn to another target, he felt a burning pain in his back, and he collapsed onto his front...
Quintus' sword slid out of the warriors's back. He hated to kill from behind, but the man would only kill more of his countrymen if he wasn't stopped. He wheeled his horse to see a German horseman's sword slicing towards him, and he only just deflected the blow in time. Before he could counter attack, Luca's own sword stabbed forward, taking the man in the stomach. The Centurian and the Prince nodded at each other once, before turning back to the fray. He could see Marcus' company cutting through the Germans from the other side. No quarter was given as the once massive German army was cut down. The Legionaire's slowly moved foward, pushing the German horde backwards as it was cut down. Finally, some of the Germans moved to flee, running to the town centre, only to see it beind held by over two hundred barbarians fighting for the Romans, who cut them down. Quintus had to turn away at the bloodthirsty and desperate battle for the town centre between the two barbarian forces.
"Charge men!" cried Marcus to his bodyguard, spurning his horse onwards. He wished to be the one who took the centre, not that ragtag bunch of unwashed warriors. His unit charged forward, crashing into the back end of the two hundred or so German warriors left. His sword cut down one man, as another was crushed beneath his horses hooves. He never saw the axe that arched upwards, crashing into his chest and knocking him off his horse. He landed almost painfully on his back. Almost painfully, because by now his entire body felt cold and numb, blood covering his front as his eyes glazed over.
"Marcus!" cried out Quintus, seeing his cousin fall. He spurned his horse onwards, his bodyguard quickly following him into the fray as he crashed into the enemy, the combined weight of two cavalry charges into their number, against the anvil of two hundred mercenaries, finally spelt the death toll of the remaining Germans.
"Here are the final reports Sir" said Luca as he held out several pieces of parchment. On them detailed the casualties to both sides, a report of the battle, and a short testemony to how glorious Marcus' death was, serving his country. The German forces had been cut down to a man, not a single one surviving. The town was badly damaged by Marcus's catapult bombardment, but one of Marcus' retainers had told Quintus that he had planned to enslave the entire population anyway, so it was obvious his cousin had not cared about the damage. Quintus had put men in charge of helping to rebuild the damage done, as well as getting an architect in to aid in the improvement of the town, with sewers and an aqueduct planned. He had plenty of men to aid in the reconstruction. Each Legionaire cohort had lost no more then thirty men, and the Praetorians only a dozen.
"Thank you, Luca." Said acting general Quintus, taking the parchment and putting it into a small bag, along with a personal letter he had written to his mother and father. He handed it to the mounted messenger beside him.
"Ride fast and well, friend. Let all of Rome know about our glorious victory."
He spoke the words, but they seemed hollow for some reason.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Story cliches
Three fantasy hero cliches walk into a tavern. Sitting in three dark corners are a hooded man each. The first fantasy hero walks up to the first hooded man, who says "Throw the medallion of evil into the well of death, or the world will be destroyed", and so the first hero does so. The second fantasy hero walks up to the second hooded man, who says "Slay the Dragon of the Mountain, or the kingdom will be burnt to a cinder", and so the second fantasy hero does that. The third fantasy hero walks up to the third hooded man, who says "Those fuckers stole my quests. Crap, get me a beer." The hero replied "That's not much of a quest." The hooded man said "It's happy hour, this'll keep you busy for months."
Rather then type anything of value to anyone, I thought I'd just list generic story cliches for your entertainment.
What? This is filler. You didn't expect a large amount of interesting stuff, did you?
Pfft, as if.
- 49. I have terrible organisational skills. I have to put a note on my calender at the end of every month saying "Move calender ahead 1 month". I still forget to do it.
Rather then type anything of value to anyone, I thought I'd just list generic story cliches for your entertainment.
1. Mentor dies after imparting wisdom upon the hero
- OPTIONAL: Mentor killed by BBEG (Big Bad Evil Guy)
- ALTERNATIVE: Mentor captured by BBEG, and must be freed by the hero.
- OPTIONAL: Can be killed in rescue attempt
- A. S/he's descendant of someone important
- B. S/he's been given a precise item of importance
- AB. S/he's been given a precise item of importance by his ancestor, who was someone important.
- C. S/he's been given magical powers by (generic otherworldly force)
- D. S/he's the best in the world at (random skill that ends up saving the day. E.G. Drilling)
- A. S/he sacrificed his/her life trying to save the hero
- B. S/he betrayed the hero in a (gasp) surprisingly plot twist EVERYONE SAW COMING. And was then killed in an ironic way.
- C. S/he died at the hands of the BBEG to show how evil/badarse the BBEG is.
- D. S/he died in a dramatic way to point out how dangerous the situation is
- E. Zombies. In which case everyone dies, not just the hero's best friend.
- OPTIONAL: The BBEG and the Hero both are experts at their special skill (usually fighting), but with the BBEG always being just a little better. He still loses to the hero this time.
- A) The genuinely nice guy who wants to actively help people
- B) The badarse with the heart of gold
- C) The 'average guy' caught in the middle of things he doesn't understand/want to be involved with
What? This is filler. You didn't expect a large amount of interesting stuff, did you?
Pfft, as if.
Monday, November 17, 2008
I'm two jumps away from Seth Green. I've never been cooler in my life.
So I was pounding away to my heart's content, the magazine open to a particularly raunchy picture. I was pounding away to my heart's delight, eyes rolled up into the back of my head, sweat glazing my forehead. It was then that the shopkeeper said "are you going to buy that?"
- Billy Connelly, comedic genius
A while ago I was watching the Robot Chicken Star Wars episode with commentary. There were no less then six different commentary tracks for the 30 minute episode, and I listened to them all (I was bored that day). At the end of the episode two of the writers listed their email addresses, saying "If anyone has listened to this whole thing, shoot us an email.
So I did.
Here is the email, with a few bits ommited for privacy reasons:
"Dude 1 and dude 2, I just watched the SW episode with every single commentary. As instructed, here is the email you asked for.I'd take you up on that drink, but I'm Australian, and as such incapable of waiting the day or so long flight to get to the US for alcohol.
And just so you know, here is a brief overview of a day in the life of a commentary watcher/listener/(verb)er/nerd.
11:00 am: Wake up (optional: Recover from hangover), ponder trying for a job now that I've been out of University for 5 months.
11:30 am: Dismiss thought of job, comfort myself with hope of getting into Honours in Sociology next year.
12:00 : Go to DVD collection for something to do, realise for the hundreth time I've watched every, single, counting one of my DVDs already.
12:05 pm: Have brainwave of watching a DVD with commentary.
12:06 pm: Realise I've watched all my DVDs with commentary already.
12:15 pm: Give up. Put on a DVD I've already seen so there's something in the background while I vainly try to write something worth writing.
2:00 pm: Scream wordlessly at Brett Ratner's commentary after he says the only reason he allowed an exposition scene in Rush Hour 2 is because it involves a woman in lingerie.
3:50 pm: Lose faith in humanity after Ridley Scott says "I didn't bother following the advice of our historical advisers, because THEY weren't there, they don't know what it was like in Ancient Rome."
5:00 pm: Bang head on desk after the amazingly bad editing of two seperate Oceans 11 commentaries (one with Brad Pitt, the other with Matt Damon and Andy Garcia) into one commentary involves Brad Pitt and Andy Garcia both telling the same story at different times.
7:00 pm: Have an immense desire to surrender my anal virginity to Edward Norton after listening to the Fight Club commentary. And I'm not even INTO dudes, myself.
9:00 pm: Decide that if I can write something worth being produced, I can get onto a commentary and finally make a commentary worth listening to
9:05 pm: Realise that would involve getting what I'm writing produced, and give up.
9:30 pm: Wonder in amazement for the upteenth time at the fact the black werewolf in Underworld isn't actually putting on a voice. That's just what he sounds like....
Man. There is little more depressing then seeing my life summarised in 13 daily steps. I'm gonna go drown myself in alcohol and the Anchorman commentary. 'Tis like a movie in and of itself.
P.S. Let Hugh Sterbakov know I got through the commentaries not with the aid of drugs, but through force of will, sheer boredom, and because nothing impresses the ladies more then being able to say you've watched several hundred hours worth of DVDs.
Yeah, ok. That last bit is a lie."
And here is the reply I received from (with the reply to the private bits omited):
"That is a very funny and clever email. Thanks for watching. I think your sense of humor will certainly land you with produced work in the future and I have no doubt someday, someone like you will be listening to your DVD commentary."
Look out world. One day you shall be listening to MY nasally voice on your DVD, talking over Brad Pitt telling you how he screwed up his line that day, much to the hilarity of the crew.
- Billy Connelly, comedic genius
- 43. It is my fondest desire to start a social trend. For ages I tried to get people to actually say "Station" like in Bill and Ted II. Now I've given up on that, and I'm going to try and get people saying "count" instead of "F**k", in tune with this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6AXPnH0C9UA
A while ago I was watching the Robot Chicken Star Wars episode with commentary. There were no less then six different commentary tracks for the 30 minute episode, and I listened to them all (I was bored that day). At the end of the episode two of the writers listed their email addresses, saying "If anyone has listened to this whole thing, shoot us an email.
So I did.
Here is the email, with a few bits ommited for privacy reasons:
"Dude 1 and dude 2, I just watched the SW episode with every single commentary. As instructed, here is the email you asked for.I'd take you up on that drink, but I'm Australian, and as such incapable of waiting the day or so long flight to get to the US for alcohol.
And just so you know, here is a brief overview of a day in the life of a commentary watcher/listener/(verb)er/nerd.
11:00 am: Wake up (optional: Recover from hangover), ponder trying for a job now that I've been out of University for 5 months.
11:30 am: Dismiss thought of job, comfort myself with hope of getting into Honours in Sociology next year.
12:00 : Go to DVD collection for something to do, realise for the hundreth time I've watched every, single, counting one of my DVDs already.
12:05 pm: Have brainwave of watching a DVD with commentary.
12:06 pm: Realise I've watched all my DVDs with commentary already.
12:15 pm: Give up. Put on a DVD I've already seen so there's something in the background while I vainly try to write something worth writing.
2:00 pm: Scream wordlessly at Brett Ratner's commentary after he says the only reason he allowed an exposition scene in Rush Hour 2 is because it involves a woman in lingerie.
3:50 pm: Lose faith in humanity after Ridley Scott says "I didn't bother following the advice of our historical advisers, because THEY weren't there, they don't know what it was like in Ancient Rome."
5:00 pm: Bang head on desk after the amazingly bad editing of two seperate Oceans 11 commentaries (one with Brad Pitt, the other with Matt Damon and Andy Garcia) into one commentary involves Brad Pitt and Andy Garcia both telling the same story at different times.
7:00 pm: Have an immense desire to surrender my anal virginity to Edward Norton after listening to the Fight Club commentary. And I'm not even INTO dudes, myself.
9:00 pm: Decide that if I can write something worth being produced, I can get onto a commentary and finally make a commentary worth listening to
9:05 pm: Realise that would involve getting what I'm writing produced, and give up.
9:30 pm: Wonder in amazement for the upteenth time at the fact the black werewolf in Underworld isn't actually putting on a voice. That's just what he sounds like....
Man. There is little more depressing then seeing my life summarised in 13 daily steps. I'm gonna go drown myself in alcohol and the Anchorman commentary. 'Tis like a movie in and of itself.
P.S. Let Hugh Sterbakov know I got through the commentaries not with the aid of drugs, but through force of will, sheer boredom, and because nothing impresses the ladies more then being able to say you've watched several hundred hours worth of DVDs.
Yeah, ok. That last bit is a lie."
And here is the reply I received from (with the reply to the private bits omited):
"That is a very funny and clever email. Thanks for watching. I think your sense of humor will certainly land you with produced work in the future and I have no doubt someday, someone like you will be listening to your DVD commentary."
Look out world. One day you shall be listening to MY nasally voice on your DVD, talking over Brad Pitt telling you how he screwed up his line that day, much to the hilarity of the crew.
Monday, November 3, 2008
The fantasy cliche
(We (by which I mean 'I') interupt your regular NSS for an announcement: I am running out of ideas for NSS'. I either need assistance in writing them (email them to me at richosnotes@hotmail.com along with how you wish to be credited, and it'll be up) or a new idea for what I can replace NSS with.) (... Are brackets/parenthesis allowed inside brackets/parenthesis?)
Fantasy novels, movies and stories in general usually do not vary enormously from the stock standard story 'roller coaster' conception that's common all throughout storytelling.
1. Bad sh*t goes down.
2. Heroes come up with way to fix stuff
3. Heroes encounter difficulties in fixing stuff
4. Heroes eventually win.
That summarises most common movies. Sometimes when the heroes are meant to be clueless the story will skip stage 2, and replace stage 3 with "Heroes bumble into the bad guys plan". For Greek Myths add a stage 5: "Hero dies horribly alone".
This is true in nearly all stories, so why does Fantasy get such a bad wrap for it all? The reason fantasy stories seem so much more simplistic then the standard story is because the ingredients of each stage is far simpler.
Since in fantasy stories the authors have such a wider range of storytelling abilities available to them (Wizards, Dragons, Spells, the ability to categorically state "This race of people are EVIL") then modern or even most sci-fi stories, so often the fantasy storyteller takes an easy road out.
It does somewhat declaw the evil villain if you know he can be killed just by putting the right magical artefact in the right shelf in the magical castle. With sci-fi and modern stories there's a genuine sense of threat in that you KNOW you have to find some way to beat the guy, you can't just side-step it by putting magical challice A into slot B.
No other Genre is so effectively able to say "Do this one task, and everything will be hunky dory". Yes, it does grant the task a great deal of weight, but at the same time you know once they do it, the war is over and won. Bugger that with the ring of power.
I blame Tolkein. Don't get me wrong, I love the fact that the guy basically CREATED the fantasy genre as we know it, because of him I've spent many a fun evening smacking around Orcs (it's ok, they're all EVIL. Every last one of them). But at the same time everyone is just following in the footsteps. ("Ok Frodo, I need you to put magical item A into location B" "What was that, Gandalf?" "I mean, I need you to destroy the ring of power by throwing it into Mount Doom.").
Fantasy authors, writers and storytellers. Please, come up with something different. Feel free to use the "magical item A into location B" plot arc, but make it a smaller part, not the "Well, we've done that, let's all go home" bit.
Maybe destroying the magical item only weakens the enemy, and doesn't crush them uttery?
C'mon, you can do it. I have faith in you.
- 31. I obtained an exercise bike three weeks or so ago and have been using it every day since then. MY CALVES COULD CRUSH YOUR FACE.
Fantasy novels, movies and stories in general usually do not vary enormously from the stock standard story 'roller coaster' conception that's common all throughout storytelling.
1. Bad sh*t goes down.
2. Heroes come up with way to fix stuff
3. Heroes encounter difficulties in fixing stuff
4. Heroes eventually win.
That summarises most common movies. Sometimes when the heroes are meant to be clueless the story will skip stage 2, and replace stage 3 with "Heroes bumble into the bad guys plan". For Greek Myths add a stage 5: "Hero dies horribly alone".
This is true in nearly all stories, so why does Fantasy get such a bad wrap for it all? The reason fantasy stories seem so much more simplistic then the standard story is because the ingredients of each stage is far simpler.
Since in fantasy stories the authors have such a wider range of storytelling abilities available to them (Wizards, Dragons, Spells, the ability to categorically state "This race of people are EVIL") then modern or even most sci-fi stories, so often the fantasy storyteller takes an easy road out.
It does somewhat declaw the evil villain if you know he can be killed just by putting the right magical artefact in the right shelf in the magical castle. With sci-fi and modern stories there's a genuine sense of threat in that you KNOW you have to find some way to beat the guy, you can't just side-step it by putting magical challice A into slot B.
No other Genre is so effectively able to say "Do this one task, and everything will be hunky dory". Yes, it does grant the task a great deal of weight, but at the same time you know once they do it, the war is over and won. Bugger that with the ring of power.
I blame Tolkein. Don't get me wrong, I love the fact that the guy basically CREATED the fantasy genre as we know it, because of him I've spent many a fun evening smacking around Orcs (it's ok, they're all EVIL. Every last one of them). But at the same time everyone is just following in the footsteps. ("Ok Frodo, I need you to put magical item A into location B" "What was that, Gandalf?" "I mean, I need you to destroy the ring of power by throwing it into Mount Doom.").
Fantasy authors, writers and storytellers. Please, come up with something different. Feel free to use the "magical item A into location B" plot arc, but make it a smaller part, not the "Well, we've done that, let's all go home" bit.
Maybe destroying the magical item only weakens the enemy, and doesn't crush them uttery?
C'mon, you can do it. I have faith in you.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Never let the truth get in the way of a good story
... So this huge giant robot fell on me. Thankfully I woke up seconds before the impact. My beautiful girlfriend rolled over in the bed and checked I was ok. After I said I was, she fell on me. Unfortunately I woke up seconds before the impact.
George Foreman lost his fingerprints in a grilling accident. There was no problem until he tried to travel around inside the US, and at one point they needed to get his fingerprints.
(This one was the work of Ross Noble. For a few weeks it was spread around the world as a real fact).
Credit Cards, when first invented, were limited to a single small area around where they were issued, and worked partially on the honour system.
The shortest ever name for a theatrically released American movie was a lesser known sequel to "Them!" simply called "Us!"
J.R.R. Tolkein received initial inspiration for The Hobbit and it's world from a concussion he received in the War. The concussion was caused by friendly fire.
Dungeons and Dragons, the pen and paper based roleplaying game, was originally based in the future, and called "Lightyears and Lasers"
Queen Victoria, despite being well known as dying a virgin, has been recently found by her own diaries to have never worn undergarments while in court.
The Author of Conan had Nazi leanings, as evidenced by the racist ideas present in his writing.
Sir Francis Drake was infamous in his era for having a very effeminate voice
The name 'Sheath', where soldiers in Medieval times put their swords, came from the Latin for vagina
The native inhabitants of America originally brewed marijuana in a coffee like drink
Ladies and gentlemen, one of the above is true. Try to guess.
- 25. I am incredibly awful at telling if something is true or not if it's delivered in a deadpan tone.
George Foreman lost his fingerprints in a grilling accident. There was no problem until he tried to travel around inside the US, and at one point they needed to get his fingerprints.
(This one was the work of Ross Noble. For a few weeks it was spread around the world as a real fact).
Credit Cards, when first invented, were limited to a single small area around where they were issued, and worked partially on the honour system.
The shortest ever name for a theatrically released American movie was a lesser known sequel to "Them!" simply called "Us!"
J.R.R. Tolkein received initial inspiration for The Hobbit and it's world from a concussion he received in the War. The concussion was caused by friendly fire.
Dungeons and Dragons, the pen and paper based roleplaying game, was originally based in the future, and called "Lightyears and Lasers"
Queen Victoria, despite being well known as dying a virgin, has been recently found by her own diaries to have never worn undergarments while in court.
The Author of Conan had Nazi leanings, as evidenced by the racist ideas present in his writing.
Sir Francis Drake was infamous in his era for having a very effeminate voice
The name 'Sheath', where soldiers in Medieval times put their swords, came from the Latin for vagina
The native inhabitants of America originally brewed marijuana in a coffee like drink
Ladies and gentlemen, one of the above is true. Try to guess.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
If you are given millions of dollars and told to make a game...
... And to this day, I cannot say the word PewsNaper. I mean Nepspawer. I mean Papsnaper. Damnit, I can't say the word.
So, I recently played Neverwinter Nights 2. The gameplay's alright, and the sheer variety of characters possible excites me in ways only an RPG nerd can be excited ("Muah ha ha, who shall I play today? Ninja-like Monk? Chaotic Evil Sorcerer? Lawful Evil Blackguard? Warlock with no regard for anything but himself? Criminal swashbuckler with a heart of gold? Quiet woodland warrior?"), which are both major bonus'.
The problem, the REAL problem, is the story. I come up with dozens of characters I want to try and play, but that involves going through the story time and time again. If I didn't sympathise or like ANY of the country bumpkin morons in my country bumpkin village no one cares about (yet everyone's heard of in regards to how hardy the inhabitants are) the first time round, why the hell would I sympathise with them fifth time round? I think I'm gravitating towards evil characters just because I get to be rude to the bastards.
Oh, and story writers, FYI, if your young protagonist lives in a small village in the middle of nowhere at the start of the plot, EVERYONE KNOWS you're going to have it destroyed to make the struggle for the world more 'personal'.
No, wait, I told a lie before. The story is mediocre. It's an average tale of a grand ancient evil awakening and you alone have the power to stop it, yada yada. Not great, but passable. What the REAL problem is, is the presentation. A bad story can be excused with good presentation. This game has astonishingly bad presentation. It feels like they came up with an average plot, lengthened it out with dozens of COMPLETELY pointless 'story extenders' ("Oh, I'm sorry, before we let you to meet up with some old guy who'll be very little help, we need you to drive the criminals away from the docks, strike at their lairs in the merchant quarter, and wage war on the Orc tribes in the mountains"), badly recorded half the lines of dialogue and said "Let's call it an early day."
Yes, you read that right. They badly recorded HALF the lines. Not even the whole thing. Either do them ALL or do none. I don't care if it would take another DVD to fit them all on, all or none. Little is more jarring and interrupts the flow of the story more like half the lines being audible and the other half not. It just makes it seem like the unrecorded dialogue is OBVIOUSLY less important, and you don't need to pay attention. But, oh, wait, THIS line is recorded so it must be vital to the plot. It's practically holding up a sign saying "If you zone out here, it won't matter."
And those lines that were recorded? Part of me wonders if they had an actual machine that MADE the lines monotone. The 'hard but loving' father figure talks like he's a 60 year old man reading the weather out loud from the paper in the park, even when there rages battle around him. The Elven Wizard with the 'biting wit' couldn't deliver an insult if it was wrapped up with a stamp on it. And finally, finally, saving the worst for last. The end cutscene narrator. He had NEVER been heard before that I could recall, and was the worst possible choice. Seriously, no, just fucking no. You do NOT want to hear about how all your companions were trapped under the falling rubble never to be seen again by a guy who sounds like he should be resenting being assigned to read out the bingo scores in a church. When the monotonistic economics lecturer is the one informing you of the fate of the known world after your victory over the King of Shadows, it sort of takes the edge off your hard fought victory.
In summary: If you're telling a story, tell it PROPERLY.
- 20. I am a severely forgetful individual. I lose track of time incredibly easily, regularly sit down to do something and forget totally what it was I was meant to do when a shiney thing is visible, and generally never remember to get things done. There are two things I remember. Stories and faces. I can recall story lines to movies I haven't seen in years, and within four scenes can usually remember if I've seen a TV show, even if it hasn't been for years.
So, I recently played Neverwinter Nights 2. The gameplay's alright, and the sheer variety of characters possible excites me in ways only an RPG nerd can be excited ("Muah ha ha, who shall I play today? Ninja-like Monk? Chaotic Evil Sorcerer? Lawful Evil Blackguard? Warlock with no regard for anything but himself? Criminal swashbuckler with a heart of gold? Quiet woodland warrior?"), which are both major bonus'.
The problem, the REAL problem, is the story. I come up with dozens of characters I want to try and play, but that involves going through the story time and time again. If I didn't sympathise or like ANY of the country bumpkin morons in my country bumpkin village no one cares about (yet everyone's heard of in regards to how hardy the inhabitants are) the first time round, why the hell would I sympathise with them fifth time round? I think I'm gravitating towards evil characters just because I get to be rude to the bastards.
Oh, and story writers, FYI, if your young protagonist lives in a small village in the middle of nowhere at the start of the plot, EVERYONE KNOWS you're going to have it destroyed to make the struggle for the world more 'personal'.
No, wait, I told a lie before. The story is mediocre. It's an average tale of a grand ancient evil awakening and you alone have the power to stop it, yada yada. Not great, but passable. What the REAL problem is, is the presentation. A bad story can be excused with good presentation. This game has astonishingly bad presentation. It feels like they came up with an average plot, lengthened it out with dozens of COMPLETELY pointless 'story extenders' ("Oh, I'm sorry, before we let you to meet up with some old guy who'll be very little help, we need you to drive the criminals away from the docks, strike at their lairs in the merchant quarter, and wage war on the Orc tribes in the mountains"), badly recorded half the lines of dialogue and said "Let's call it an early day."
Yes, you read that right. They badly recorded HALF the lines. Not even the whole thing. Either do them ALL or do none. I don't care if it would take another DVD to fit them all on, all or none. Little is more jarring and interrupts the flow of the story more like half the lines being audible and the other half not. It just makes it seem like the unrecorded dialogue is OBVIOUSLY less important, and you don't need to pay attention. But, oh, wait, THIS line is recorded so it must be vital to the plot. It's practically holding up a sign saying "If you zone out here, it won't matter."
And those lines that were recorded? Part of me wonders if they had an actual machine that MADE the lines monotone. The 'hard but loving' father figure talks like he's a 60 year old man reading the weather out loud from the paper in the park, even when there rages battle around him. The Elven Wizard with the 'biting wit' couldn't deliver an insult if it was wrapped up with a stamp on it. And finally, finally, saving the worst for last. The end cutscene narrator. He had NEVER been heard before that I could recall, and was the worst possible choice. Seriously, no, just fucking no. You do NOT want to hear about how all your companions were trapped under the falling rubble never to be seen again by a guy who sounds like he should be resenting being assigned to read out the bingo scores in a church. When the monotonistic economics lecturer is the one informing you of the fate of the known world after your victory over the King of Shadows, it sort of takes the edge off your hard fought victory.
In summary: If you're telling a story, tell it PROPERLY.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Will someone please tell game designers...
... And that is the story of why I am both banned from the Gym, and have recurring nightmares about being engufled by a tide of wrinkles.
I'm currently playing Neverwinter Nights 2, and enjoying the gameplay. It's a decent game, don't get me wrong, it's good value.
It's. Just. So. Badly. Written.
Seriously, this game doesn't have a story, it has a series of bad guy encounters bereft of plot thinly tied together by backstory and geography.
Still, time to go back to playing it. It's enjoyable if you skip the cutscenes and ignore the stupid party members.
- 17. I have a special place in my heart for quick wit. If people can demonstrate genuine quick wit (not particularly malicious, intelligent humour made up on the spur of the moment) then I am in awe of them.
I'm currently playing Neverwinter Nights 2, and enjoying the gameplay. It's a decent game, don't get me wrong, it's good value.
It's. Just. So. Badly. Written.
Seriously, this game doesn't have a story, it has a series of bad guy encounters bereft of plot thinly tied together by backstory and geography.
Still, time to go back to playing it. It's enjoyable if you skip the cutscenes and ignore the stupid party members.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
An ode to villains
So then the Priest says "It makes for a good party trick, though, since I can say 'receive the blood of Christ'", laughing. I just looked at him awkwardly for a moment before replying, "I'm sure it does, but surely urine isn't supposed to be bright red." "Yes, and it feels like burning glass when I piss" replied the servant of the Lord.
What makes it so unusual is the fact that there IS no good guy. The closest there is to a good guy is a niave soldier who's working for the bad guys for the right reasons. He's an idealist who hopes to change the system from within.
To aspiring writers, think about this. An awesome villain has a hundred times more awesome points then an awesome hero. This is partly because you rarely see your villain in moments of doubt. Darth Vader suddenly became a lot less cool when he ceased to be the kick arse lord of the Sith, and became Emo-Vader (new trilogy). But still, a well written villain has alot of potential to be awesome.
And the best part of it? Traditionally a good guy is reactive. He seeks to preserve the status quo and keep the world from changing TOO much, while the villain seeks to destroy/control (object/group of people A). This means that unless the writer wants to REALLY be weird, the hero will win 9,999/10,000 times, since for the villain to win means the status quo is really screwed up. So you go into the story having a pretty strong idea of how it will end up. If the villain is the main character, however, there is no such guarantee to pacify the audience.
If the villain wins, status quo is all screwed up, and things become a lot more complex. Imagine if Marvel comics did a story arc about Magneto where he actually managed to WIN, and wipe out all the humans (and House of M doesn't count). So that makes the audience unlikely to think the villain will win.
But can you imagine a story where the main character loses? That would be like "Whoa, WTF mate?" as the internet meme goes. By it's very nature a story about a main character who loses would be completely screwed up, especially if the character is a villain who otherwise has no redeeming qualities (Rocky was about striving against the odds, Dr Horrible had a really likeably villain and unlikeable hero).
Of course, there are some lame 'neither win nor lose' endings. You know the type. The villain unleashes the demon he planned to chain to his will, but it turned out to be too strong, so he had to destroy it himself. Or the Hero and the Villain have to unite forces to destroy an even BIGGER villain. So while the main character was a bad guy, he wasn't THE bad guy. Well screw them, and to use them is lame.*
So the audience doesn't know what'll happen! It makes things FAR more unpredictable. And Anson, before you ask, that "Blood and Bones" movie you showed doesn't count. That thing was just horrible. Dude... No, just no. You don't get to pick movies in the future. And if you do, we all have to sit down and watch Ghost Busters or Ace Ventura afterwards, to cheer ourselves up.
One concept I've heard of that my inner geek must discuss: A Roleplay (pen and paper style) campaign consisting of this concept. The GM creates a unique kingdom of some kind, working out power structure, social hierarchy, economy basis, primary imports/exports, millitary structure, internal political rivalries and factions, ethnic minorities, castles and cities, etc etc. Then the players create some high powered evil characters, and in a sandbox style campaign they get to work out how precisely they will destroy or conquer the kingdom.
Dude, I've got a Nerdection
* This'll come back to bite me. In ten years I'll have written a story about a Villain who has to team up with a Hero to defeat a bigger villain. Anyone who calls me on it gets ONE free beer. (Offeronlyvalidonepercustomerandrequirescustomertopurchaseabeerfortheoffererpriortocashinginonoffer)
- 4. I spend a long time each day pondering meaningless things. Like, REALLY meaningless. Currently I'm trying to work out if "Mightn't've" is a valid word. You can SAY it and it'll sound fine, but it just seems wrong.
What makes it so unusual is the fact that there IS no good guy. The closest there is to a good guy is a niave soldier who's working for the bad guys for the right reasons. He's an idealist who hopes to change the system from within.
To aspiring writers, think about this. An awesome villain has a hundred times more awesome points then an awesome hero. This is partly because you rarely see your villain in moments of doubt. Darth Vader suddenly became a lot less cool when he ceased to be the kick arse lord of the Sith, and became Emo-Vader (new trilogy). But still, a well written villain has alot of potential to be awesome.
And the best part of it? Traditionally a good guy is reactive. He seeks to preserve the status quo and keep the world from changing TOO much, while the villain seeks to destroy/control (object/group of people A). This means that unless the writer wants to REALLY be weird, the hero will win 9,999/10,000 times, since for the villain to win means the status quo is really screwed up. So you go into the story having a pretty strong idea of how it will end up. If the villain is the main character, however, there is no such guarantee to pacify the audience.
If the villain wins, status quo is all screwed up, and things become a lot more complex. Imagine if Marvel comics did a story arc about Magneto where he actually managed to WIN, and wipe out all the humans (and House of M doesn't count). So that makes the audience unlikely to think the villain will win.
But can you imagine a story where the main character loses? That would be like "Whoa, WTF mate?" as the internet meme goes. By it's very nature a story about a main character who loses would be completely screwed up, especially if the character is a villain who otherwise has no redeeming qualities (Rocky was about striving against the odds, Dr Horrible had a really likeably villain and unlikeable hero).
Of course, there are some lame 'neither win nor lose' endings. You know the type. The villain unleashes the demon he planned to chain to his will, but it turned out to be too strong, so he had to destroy it himself. Or the Hero and the Villain have to unite forces to destroy an even BIGGER villain. So while the main character was a bad guy, he wasn't THE bad guy. Well screw them, and to use them is lame.*
So the audience doesn't know what'll happen! It makes things FAR more unpredictable. And Anson, before you ask, that "Blood and Bones" movie you showed doesn't count. That thing was just horrible. Dude... No, just no. You don't get to pick movies in the future. And if you do, we all have to sit down and watch Ghost Busters or Ace Ventura afterwards, to cheer ourselves up.
One concept I've heard of that my inner geek must discuss: A Roleplay (pen and paper style) campaign consisting of this concept. The GM creates a unique kingdom of some kind, working out power structure, social hierarchy, economy basis, primary imports/exports, millitary structure, internal political rivalries and factions, ethnic minorities, castles and cities, etc etc. Then the players create some high powered evil characters, and in a sandbox style campaign they get to work out how precisely they will destroy or conquer the kingdom.
Dude, I've got a Nerdection
* This'll come back to bite me. In ten years I'll have written a story about a Villain who has to team up with a Hero to defeat a bigger villain. Anyone who calls me on it gets ONE free beer. (Offeronlyvalidonepercustomerandrequirescustomertopurchaseabeerfortheoffererpriortocashinginonoffer)
Monday, September 8, 2008
I am wordslut. It's like a wordsmith except less classy
... So I'm standing there looking the Prince in the eyes with a look of sheer surprise and embarrassment on my face. This only got more awkward when I felt urine seeping down my trouser legs and staining my pants. Although apparently when a Prince pisses on your leg in that culture it's a sign of respect.
Secondly, a small update. I have finished the overall concept overview of my comic book proposal I am going to be sending it. It is approximately 19,000 words (for those of you who need a comparison, an Honours thesis is supposed to be about 15,000). When this is included with the already completed script for the first issue (which is about 4,500) it works out to be over 23,000 words written on this.
I wish I had the capacity to write academic stuff like I do nerdy stuff, I would be an Honours KING.
I started doing this 18th of August, according to Windows, which means I've been writing more then 1,000 words a day, on average. If I could write PRACTICAL stuff with this much promiscuity, I would be a wordsmith/slut.
- 1. My accent has been described as a weird amalgamation of mostly Australian, with a strong degree of English and American in place. It's at the point where when I went overseas people couldn't pick where I was from.
Secondly, a small update. I have finished the overall concept overview of my comic book proposal I am going to be sending it. It is approximately 19,000 words (for those of you who need a comparison, an Honours thesis is supposed to be about 15,000). When this is included with the already completed script for the first issue (which is about 4,500) it works out to be over 23,000 words written on this.
I wish I had the capacity to write academic stuff like I do nerdy stuff, I would be an Honours KING.
I started doing this 18th of August, according to Windows, which means I've been writing more then 1,000 words a day, on average. If I could write PRACTICAL stuff with this much promiscuity, I would be a wordsmith/slut.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Say cheese!
... All I could think to say was "I just shat myself", to which Mr William Shatner took umbrage, but apparently it was the password, so I was allowed into the treehouse.
I have no idea where I'm going with life. Currently I have two distinct possibilities in front of me.
1. Get into Honours. This requires a class act of Blarney-stoning in which I convince the Honours convener that I was a victim of the Bellcurve and deserve to get in. Then it involves doing serious research about the nature of internet society, possibly cyber crime so that, worst comes to worst, I can get a reasonable job eventually with some cyber-protection group working for 'the man' or some crap.
The major problem is I just KNOW I'll bollocks up the research somehow. The fact of the matter is I'm genuinely not really an academic person. I can't quote anyone outside of popular culture, I have trouble remembering the theories of particular MAJOR theorists within Sociology (and everything else) despite having studied it for THREE AND A HALF YEARS.
2. Say 'bollocks to Honours' and apply for a diploma in Screenwriting. I've been doing research into the AFTRS Diploma in screenwriting, and already put stage 1 of a 3-stage application in. I do want to try and get into Screenwriting, even if I'm stuck in a boring drama series or something.
A problem with this is as the Diploma is part time, I won't qualify for Vet-Affairs support, so I'll have to (shock horror) get a job. Probably the main problem, however, is that I just KNOW it'll be full of arty wanky people.
"And what does this fight scene between the two protagonists say? Does it imply the inherent instability of relationships within civilised society?"
"Well, no, more just they think the other is a Russian spy."
Sometimes a cool fight scene between a cybernetically enhanced Ninja and a magical Samurai is just a fucking cool fight scene, and not an allegory for the inherent opposition within society between rationality and mysticism.
In the end I'll probably apply for both, and to be perfectly honest take the Screenwriting diploma if they accept me (which I'll find out before the Honours thing)
Ideally though, the comic I'm currently trying to write at the moment (80% through the 'overall' part of the proposal, with 10,000 words down, and finished the script for a first issue at 5,000 words. I plan on writing scripts for issue 2 and 3 to give them an idea of where it will go after the overall series introduction) will be sold to Dark Horse, they'll give me wads of cash I can use to buy a Stormtrooper suit, exercise equipment, masses of alcohol, and potentially a hooker or two (cocaine not included, unfortunately). And maybe if there's some left over I'll do things like 'plan for the future'.
P.S. On an unrelated note: http://www.philosophersnet.com/games Go, play, be merry. My pseudo belief in the Force actually did pretty well in the God-battleground. Second highest honour. Only trouble it had was one of semantics, in which it thought the inherently man-made nature of the force could condemn a serial rapist.
I have no idea where I'm going with life. Currently I have two distinct possibilities in front of me.
1. Get into Honours. This requires a class act of Blarney-stoning in which I convince the Honours convener that I was a victim of the Bellcurve and deserve to get in. Then it involves doing serious research about the nature of internet society, possibly cyber crime so that, worst comes to worst, I can get a reasonable job eventually with some cyber-protection group working for 'the man' or some crap.
The major problem is I just KNOW I'll bollocks up the research somehow. The fact of the matter is I'm genuinely not really an academic person. I can't quote anyone outside of popular culture, I have trouble remembering the theories of particular MAJOR theorists within Sociology (and everything else) despite having studied it for THREE AND A HALF YEARS.
2. Say 'bollocks to Honours' and apply for a diploma in Screenwriting. I've been doing research into the AFTRS Diploma in screenwriting, and already put stage 1 of a 3-stage application in. I do want to try and get into Screenwriting, even if I'm stuck in a boring drama series or something.
A problem with this is as the Diploma is part time, I won't qualify for Vet-Affairs support, so I'll have to (shock horror) get a job. Probably the main problem, however, is that I just KNOW it'll be full of arty wanky people.
"And what does this fight scene between the two protagonists say? Does it imply the inherent instability of relationships within civilised society?"
"Well, no, more just they think the other is a Russian spy."
Sometimes a cool fight scene between a cybernetically enhanced Ninja and a magical Samurai is just a fucking cool fight scene, and not an allegory for the inherent opposition within society between rationality and mysticism.
In the end I'll probably apply for both, and to be perfectly honest take the Screenwriting diploma if they accept me (which I'll find out before the Honours thing)
Ideally though, the comic I'm currently trying to write at the moment (80% through the 'overall' part of the proposal, with 10,000 words down, and finished the script for a first issue at 5,000 words. I plan on writing scripts for issue 2 and 3 to give them an idea of where it will go after the overall series introduction) will be sold to Dark Horse, they'll give me wads of cash I can use to buy a Stormtrooper suit, exercise equipment, masses of alcohol, and potentially a hooker or two (cocaine not included, unfortunately). And maybe if there's some left over I'll do things like 'plan for the future'.
P.S. On an unrelated note: http://www.philosophersnet.com/games Go, play, be merry. My pseudo belief in the Force actually did pretty well in the God-battleground. Second highest honour. Only trouble it had was one of semantics, in which it thought the inherently man-made nature of the force could condemn a serial rapist.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Sue. Mary Sue.
... And that's why answering a cop asking you "What do you think you're doing there, mate?" with "Well I THINK I'm urinating behind a tree, if I'm doing something else please let me know, because it means I'm hallucinating" is a bad idea.
Today I'm going to descuss the greatest bane of writing everywhere, and something all writers must be cautious of, especially if they like one character a bit more then others.
Mary Suism.
Mary Suism derives from a classic parody piece of fan fiction created about Star Trek by a Star Trek fan who'd grown absolutely sick of the fan-fiction pieces where the author inserted themselves into the story. A Mary Sue character is one who:
- Resembles the author (often having a VERY similar name)
- Is usually very young (since often the Mary Sue writers are very young)
- Among the most brilliant/talented in their field in the world
- The love interest of one or more of the other characters
- Practically worshipped by everyone else, with the only people who may possibly not like them are A) main characters who soon realise how great they are, or B) villains who hate them just to show how villainous they are.
In my current fumbling attempts at writing a comic script and planning out what would be in the future (writing something for the first time is like trying to take a bra off for the first time. Awkward, slow, takes too long, and you have a hard time getting the clasp off), I decided one of the characters should be an adaptation of a character I've used before and quite enjoyed. The difficulty there is that my previously established enjoyment of the character could lead to a Pseudo-Sueism, with him (while he doesn't resemble me, for starters he's physically fit) becoming the ultimate at everything. The other problem this can cause is over-compensation, reducing an effective character to the whipping post of the story because you're so afraid of making him 'too good'.
So, I've told you the main problems with the fear of writing a Mary Sue character (overpowered wankery vs under-capable uselessness), now, for my highly considered, in depth proposal on how to avoid that problem?
Shut up, sit down, write what you want to write and enjoy it yourself. And remember, no one will know that character is meant to be you fulfilling all your fantasies if you change the name.
"Well my dear Aayla Secura, let me, Stefan, show you how strong with the force... I am... *Bom chicka chicka chicka bom bom*"
Today I'm going to descuss the greatest bane of writing everywhere, and something all writers must be cautious of, especially if they like one character a bit more then others.
Mary Suism.
Mary Suism derives from a classic parody piece of fan fiction created about Star Trek by a Star Trek fan who'd grown absolutely sick of the fan-fiction pieces where the author inserted themselves into the story. A Mary Sue character is one who:
- Resembles the author (often having a VERY similar name)
- Is usually very young (since often the Mary Sue writers are very young)
- Among the most brilliant/talented in their field in the world
- The love interest of one or more of the other characters
- Practically worshipped by everyone else, with the only people who may possibly not like them are A) main characters who soon realise how great they are, or B) villains who hate them just to show how villainous they are.
In my current fumbling attempts at writing a comic script and planning out what would be in the future (writing something for the first time is like trying to take a bra off for the first time. Awkward, slow, takes too long, and you have a hard time getting the clasp off), I decided one of the characters should be an adaptation of a character I've used before and quite enjoyed. The difficulty there is that my previously established enjoyment of the character could lead to a Pseudo-Sueism, with him (while he doesn't resemble me, for starters he's physically fit) becoming the ultimate at everything. The other problem this can cause is over-compensation, reducing an effective character to the whipping post of the story because you're so afraid of making him 'too good'.
So, I've told you the main problems with the fear of writing a Mary Sue character (overpowered wankery vs under-capable uselessness), now, for my highly considered, in depth proposal on how to avoid that problem?
Shut up, sit down, write what you want to write and enjoy it yourself. And remember, no one will know that character is meant to be you fulfilling all your fantasies if you change the name.
"Well my dear Aayla Secura, let me, Stefan, show you how strong with the force... I am... *Bom chicka chicka chicka bom bom*"
Monday, August 18, 2008
Comic book writer?
.. So anyway, moral of the story is that head really ISN'T as fun when she has a mouthful of beer. Next week I'll try it with tequilla.
Just a short post today of actual real-life stuff. Sorry, all two of my readers (there are literally TWO of you. I installed google analytic a day ago. Two readers)
I want to be a writer. Basically I can't really imagine myself enjoying ANY other job. Perhaps professional alcohol taster, but I'd always want to swallow (THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID. Shut up, juvenile Steve), which would ruin my health.
I'm halfway through draft 2 of my screenplay, and completely stalled. So a friend recommended I try writing it as a comic book. Hey, why not! Sounds like a good idea. Thing is, I know from trying to write screenplays that the first one is always shit. So, I used the story I've got in mind for my RP campaign and I'm writing it as a comic book script.
God damnit this is fun.
You have no idea
I get to just DIVE in to this fantasy world, and drag readers along with it. I don't know why, this just feels so... fun!
So far I've killed five superheroes. Here's a taste.
Panel 2: Page width panel showing Magic Bullet once more set up to fire, the ruins of the explosion that occurred behind him still there. His sniper rifle is firing at something off panel.
MAGIC BULLET:
Bang.
Panel 3: Return to the previous view from the News helicopter above. Now the view shows Bladesman’s sword cutting through some exposed wires on Onager’s back, but Blinker suddenly drops, a splash of blood visible coming out of one side of her head.
REPORTER (OP)
B- Blinker is down! I repeat, Blinker is down! O- Oh my god, Blinker is down!
PAGE TWELVE (Six panels)
Panel 1: Relatively close up view of Bladesman, shock on his face.
BLADESMAN
NO! Jenn!
Panel 2: Bladesman landing next to Blinker’s still body.
Panel 3: View from behind of Bladesman crouching down, cradling Blinker’s still body to his chest.
Panel 4: Same view as Panel 3, but now with a large looming shadow blocking a lot of the light to them.
Panel 5: View from the front of Bladesman holding Blinker close, tears in his eyes. Behind him Onager holds his right arm up, the railgun in his armoured suit aimed at Bladesman’s back.
ONAGER
It’ll be quick.
Panel 6: Close up shot of Onager’s arm firing.
Just a short post today of actual real-life stuff. Sorry, all two of my readers (there are literally TWO of you. I installed google analytic a day ago. Two readers)
I want to be a writer. Basically I can't really imagine myself enjoying ANY other job. Perhaps professional alcohol taster, but I'd always want to swallow (THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID. Shut up, juvenile Steve), which would ruin my health.
I'm halfway through draft 2 of my screenplay, and completely stalled. So a friend recommended I try writing it as a comic book. Hey, why not! Sounds like a good idea. Thing is, I know from trying to write screenplays that the first one is always shit. So, I used the story I've got in mind for my RP campaign and I'm writing it as a comic book script.
God damnit this is fun.
You have no idea
I get to just DIVE in to this fantasy world, and drag readers along with it. I don't know why, this just feels so... fun!
So far I've killed five superheroes. Here's a taste.
Panel 2: Page width panel showing Magic Bullet once more set up to fire, the ruins of the explosion that occurred behind him still there. His sniper rifle is firing at something off panel.
MAGIC BULLET:
Bang.
Panel 3: Return to the previous view from the News helicopter above. Now the view shows Bladesman’s sword cutting through some exposed wires on Onager’s back, but Blinker suddenly drops, a splash of blood visible coming out of one side of her head.
REPORTER (OP)
B- Blinker is down! I repeat, Blinker is down! O- Oh my god, Blinker is down!
PAGE TWELVE (Six panels)
Panel 1: Relatively close up view of Bladesman, shock on his face.
BLADESMAN
NO! Jenn!
Panel 2: Bladesman landing next to Blinker’s still body.
Panel 3: View from behind of Bladesman crouching down, cradling Blinker’s still body to his chest.
Panel 4: Same view as Panel 3, but now with a large looming shadow blocking a lot of the light to them.
Panel 5: View from the front of Bladesman holding Blinker close, tears in his eyes. Behind him Onager holds his right arm up, the railgun in his armoured suit aimed at Bladesman’s back.
ONAGER
It’ll be quick.
Panel 6: Close up shot of Onager’s arm firing.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Tradition
First point, I've found out an annoying aspect of posting on this blog first thing in the morning when I wake up. I make alot of wordos (like a typo, except I accidently type in a whole different word), so until I find the mistakes just read what I MEAN, not what I SAY.
The traditional three-act structure in most stories is one of the staples of the narrative.
1. INTRODUCTION: Meet the characters, have any unusual 'rules' about the world explained to you ("Don't cross the streams"), and learn where everyone stands in relation to everyone else.
1. Things change: The happy little lives of the main characters are disrupted somehow, leading us into the...
2. COMPLICATION/BODY: The characters embark on their journey. This can either be a good thing for them (The Ghost Busters FINALLY getting some business) or a bad thing (You must leave behind your life to destroy the Ring of Power).
2a. Act two downer: Something goes hideously wrong, and things are now worse then ever. Frodo's run off with the Ring with only his slightly odd friend for company, the Environmental Protection Agency's shut off the containment unit, Dr Doom is picking off the Fantastic Four one at a time, and individually they're no match for him.
3. CONCLUSION: Grand conflict sequence in which somehow, against all odds, the heroes triumph.
Last night I saw 'The Dark Knight', I enjoyed it, really I did, but bits of it shat me. Primarily there were no 'acts' beyond:
Act 1: Introduction, isn't Batman Badarse?
Act 2: JOKER IS BADARSER
Act 3: Joker and Batman do stuff. Horrible stuff happens.
Act 4: Joker and Batman fight again, and again, and again. Horrible stuff happens.
Act 5: Batman wins.
There was no 'rollercoaster of events' with the rise, the fall, the recovery. It started with a high, dropped, bibbled up and down, then ended. There felt like no point at all where the hero (or audience) could even take a breather. That's fine at times, but in a three hour movie you need moments where you can relax for a second, thinking 'All is well'.
It's part of what bugged me about the second two 'Pirates of the Carribean' movies. They split the story in total over two movies, which left them with an odd story. The cliffhanger was good, but in general the story just felt like it was meandering on alot, with no real direction until the end. I still remain convinced that about 75% of the story in the middle and most of the ship-to-ship combat was just the writers saying "Ok, we want a scene where character X meets character Y, but they're on seperate boats. Ok, let's have them attack each other!"
When talking with my father last night (just generally because he was giving me a lift, and it was better then having silence) I mentioned the three act structure and he - in his long, long winded way - talked about how "Sometimes you need to learn the rules, so you know how to break them". It's great to break the rules, it results in new and entertaining stories sometimes, but I'm not convinced either POTC 2&3 or TDK broke them 'right'. They were good, fun movies, but the break from the three-act-structure isn't what made them so, in my view.
The traditional three-act structure in most stories is one of the staples of the narrative.
1. INTRODUCTION: Meet the characters, have any unusual 'rules' about the world explained to you ("Don't cross the streams"), and learn where everyone stands in relation to everyone else.
1. Things change: The happy little lives of the main characters are disrupted somehow, leading us into the...
2. COMPLICATION/BODY: The characters embark on their journey. This can either be a good thing for them (The Ghost Busters FINALLY getting some business) or a bad thing (You must leave behind your life to destroy the Ring of Power).
2a. Act two downer: Something goes hideously wrong, and things are now worse then ever. Frodo's run off with the Ring with only his slightly odd friend for company, the Environmental Protection Agency's shut off the containment unit, Dr Doom is picking off the Fantastic Four one at a time, and individually they're no match for him.
3. CONCLUSION: Grand conflict sequence in which somehow, against all odds, the heroes triumph.
Last night I saw 'The Dark Knight', I enjoyed it, really I did, but bits of it shat me. Primarily there were no 'acts' beyond:
Act 1: Introduction, isn't Batman Badarse?
Act 2: JOKER IS BADARSER
Act 3: Joker and Batman do stuff. Horrible stuff happens.
Act 4: Joker and Batman fight again, and again, and again. Horrible stuff happens.
Act 5: Batman wins.
There was no 'rollercoaster of events' with the rise, the fall, the recovery. It started with a high, dropped, bibbled up and down, then ended. There felt like no point at all where the hero (or audience) could even take a breather. That's fine at times, but in a three hour movie you need moments where you can relax for a second, thinking 'All is well'.
It's part of what bugged me about the second two 'Pirates of the Carribean' movies. They split the story in total over two movies, which left them with an odd story. The cliffhanger was good, but in general the story just felt like it was meandering on alot, with no real direction until the end. I still remain convinced that about 75% of the story in the middle and most of the ship-to-ship combat was just the writers saying "Ok, we want a scene where character X meets character Y, but they're on seperate boats. Ok, let's have them attack each other!"
When talking with my father last night (just generally because he was giving me a lift, and it was better then having silence) I mentioned the three act structure and he - in his long, long winded way - talked about how "Sometimes you need to learn the rules, so you know how to break them". It's great to break the rules, it results in new and entertaining stories sometimes, but I'm not convinced either POTC 2&3 or TDK broke them 'right'. They were good, fun movies, but the break from the three-act-structure isn't what made them so, in my view.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Why Superpowers can be...
one of the worst things you can ever give a character.
At its most basic level, your normal three-act cliche storyline consists of:
"Hey, let's say things we'd never say in real life, so any possibe audience can get to know us!"
"Oh you crazy German immigrant with an ex-wife and two children!"
"Oh no, things are going bad, in a way any possible audience would be rooting for us to win, still affected by suspension of disbelief!"
"Good lord, there's no way we can win this, we're all going to die!"
"Hooray we won!"
"And only a couple of us died in dramatic ways! Oddly enough only the black cast members died."
Most superpowers, at their basic level at least, can add to the story. It can seem so much more dramatic and awesome when they have superstrong hero and superstrong henchvillain are smacking on each other in mid-air, only to have 'control of magnetism/gravity/rubber duckies' pick up a car WITH HIS/HER MIND and fling it at them both.
The main trouble is that so often comic book writers feel the need to 'extend' a characters powers. This can be good for when a character needs to 'power up' to beat the main badguy, or the occasional use for dramatic license. The only way to avoid it later on though is to completely ignore that, and we all saw how well that worked with Neo in the Matrix.
"Wait, why doesn't he just jump into the agents and explode them all?"
But in general, once a comic book character is absurdly powerful, the only options are to either depower him somehow (which gets boring the fourth time it's done) or write around that power. Let's consider a few comic characters that are so overpowered that you have to constantly write around their extreme abilities.
Wolverine: I'm sorry fanboys, but fuck off. Wolverine as a concept is amusing (ruggard exterior containing a heart of gold, mixed with some regenerative abilities and unbreakable claws coming from his knuckles? Yeah, I don't mind that), but his abilities are just fucking ridiculous now. He can apparently regenerate from like a tiny clump of living tissue. Glad to hear every cell in his body contains an IMPRINT OF HIS BRAINWAVES. Even if he did come back from that, chances are he would be a blank slate, personality wise. Not to mention... Where the HELL did those cells get the energy and mass required for all that exponential growth. Yes, I know it's a comic, I know it's not based on reality, but Wolverine in general is currently just a shitty narrative device because nothing can kill him. Turn him into a Herald of Galactus and send him out into space and be done with it. Have the occasional one-shot about him saving the fuzzy wuzzy people of the Forest moon of Rodne, and ignore him.
Magneto: It's a bit more understandable when the overpowered character is the villain, then it's a proper challenge for the heros to beat him. But Magnetos powers are just... Using power over magnetism to affect the iron in the blood so he can control someone's mind... Read up again for 'suspension of disbelief'. Yes, I know, it's a comic, so you can get away with alot more, but in general we assume people can't turn 'manipulation of metal' superpowers into 'mind control'. That's like the Hulk learning to punch someone JUST RIGHT so they get a concussion in a specific way that makes them friendly to him.
Superman: When the whole point behind your character is that he's Superman, in general the only thing that can be done to provide him with a challenge is create an entire universe full of superman powered things. When the uberpowered becomes blase... then there's something wrong. A character with the power to destroy a planet shouldn't be something your hero deals with on a regular basis, because then there is NO room for him to lose. Daredevil is allowed to lose occasionally, since all it results in is someone getting away with bank money, or at worst a death. Superman loses and a world dies (unless it's just some literary wank like "I challenge you to combat, Superman!", which usually has the condition "You refuse, and this world dies!" anyway)
Anyway, long story short: Superpowers are awesome. Some supercharacters need nerfing, though.
At its most basic level, your normal three-act cliche storyline consists of:
"Hey, let's say things we'd never say in real life, so any possibe audience can get to know us!"
"Oh you crazy German immigrant with an ex-wife and two children!"
"Oh no, things are going bad, in a way any possible audience would be rooting for us to win, still affected by suspension of disbelief!"
"Good lord, there's no way we can win this, we're all going to die!"
"Hooray we won!"
"And only a couple of us died in dramatic ways! Oddly enough only the black cast members died."
Most superpowers, at their basic level at least, can add to the story. It can seem so much more dramatic and awesome when they have superstrong hero and superstrong henchvillain are smacking on each other in mid-air, only to have 'control of magnetism/gravity/rubber duckies' pick up a car WITH HIS/HER MIND and fling it at them both.
The main trouble is that so often comic book writers feel the need to 'extend' a characters powers. This can be good for when a character needs to 'power up' to beat the main badguy, or the occasional use for dramatic license. The only way to avoid it later on though is to completely ignore that, and we all saw how well that worked with Neo in the Matrix.
"Wait, why doesn't he just jump into the agents and explode them all?"
But in general, once a comic book character is absurdly powerful, the only options are to either depower him somehow (which gets boring the fourth time it's done) or write around that power. Let's consider a few comic characters that are so overpowered that you have to constantly write around their extreme abilities.
Wolverine: I'm sorry fanboys, but fuck off. Wolverine as a concept is amusing (ruggard exterior containing a heart of gold, mixed with some regenerative abilities and unbreakable claws coming from his knuckles? Yeah, I don't mind that), but his abilities are just fucking ridiculous now. He can apparently regenerate from like a tiny clump of living tissue. Glad to hear every cell in his body contains an IMPRINT OF HIS BRAINWAVES. Even if he did come back from that, chances are he would be a blank slate, personality wise. Not to mention... Where the HELL did those cells get the energy and mass required for all that exponential growth. Yes, I know it's a comic, I know it's not based on reality, but Wolverine in general is currently just a shitty narrative device because nothing can kill him. Turn him into a Herald of Galactus and send him out into space and be done with it. Have the occasional one-shot about him saving the fuzzy wuzzy people of the Forest moon of Rodne, and ignore him.
Magneto: It's a bit more understandable when the overpowered character is the villain, then it's a proper challenge for the heros to beat him. But Magnetos powers are just... Using power over magnetism to affect the iron in the blood so he can control someone's mind... Read up again for 'suspension of disbelief'. Yes, I know, it's a comic, so you can get away with alot more, but in general we assume people can't turn 'manipulation of metal' superpowers into 'mind control'. That's like the Hulk learning to punch someone JUST RIGHT so they get a concussion in a specific way that makes them friendly to him.
Superman: When the whole point behind your character is that he's Superman, in general the only thing that can be done to provide him with a challenge is create an entire universe full of superman powered things. When the uberpowered becomes blase... then there's something wrong. A character with the power to destroy a planet shouldn't be something your hero deals with on a regular basis, because then there is NO room for him to lose. Daredevil is allowed to lose occasionally, since all it results in is someone getting away with bank money, or at worst a death. Superman loses and a world dies (unless it's just some literary wank like "I challenge you to combat, Superman!", which usually has the condition "You refuse, and this world dies!" anyway)
Anyway, long story short: Superpowers are awesome. Some supercharacters need nerfing, though.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Cliche
First, a link to what inspired this post.
http://www.drhorrible.com/index.html
Joss Whedon, Neil Patrick Harris, and Nathan Fillion, if any of you asked I would give up my anal virginity to you. You are individually that awesome. Joined together, however, you are like Voltron, capable of feats any one Lion couldn't do.
Now, onto the post itself.
The cliche. Simultaneously one of the most loved and hated aspects of any story. If it's too cliche, people are jolted out of their suspension of disbelief, ending up just shaking their head in disgust. Even worse then that, they can be too predictable. If your average audience can predict how things will end precisely, it just weakens the story and makes it less enjoyable.
Notice, however, that I said "predict how things will end precisely". THAT is an important point. There are always a few things the audience will be able to predict, unless you mangle the story so badly it becomes unenjoyable. There will always be a love interest. There will always be a low point the hero(es) has(/have) to recover from. Some cliches are nearly (but not quite) essential, and it takes a very deft hand to write a movie usurping the cliches successfully.
Some other cliches, however, if usurped can be quite fun. The above link is proof of that, making a story where the bad guy is not only the main character, he's the one you sympathise with more then the good guy. I, one day (in the imaginary world where I become a successful screenplay writer), hope to try my hand at writing a moviescript where the story is all about the villain. The nearest I've seen to this being done (aside from 'that' old Western everyone knows) are the 'smart crook' movies and Lock Stock style underworld movies. Don't get me wrong, I love the those movies and REALLY hope to write a smart-crook one myself, but let's face it, they're criminals but they're not BAD guys.
Let's actually look at what a cliche IS. A Cliche, at it's most essential analysis, is something that has been used so much in a particular genre that people expect it. In many ways the cliche is a bad thing, but in terms of characters the cliche can be good. A cliche is used alot, and why is it used alot? Because more often then not it WORKS. A well written cliche can be alot of fun. Often it can be a lot more fun then an attempt to break the cliche.
So, what is my general point?
Respect the cliche. Treat it with respect and surprise it occasionally, but don't overuse it lest it fall apart. Sometimes the fantasy story beginning with the young boy thrust into a world outside his humble village, unaware of his grand fate or incredible lineage, is the best kind of fantasy story.
Just don't let it become a Steven Segal. Not sure what I mean? Try to think of a single Steven Segal movie that can't be summarised with the following.
"Steven Segal is a maverick (ex?) [Cop/FBI agent] who bucks [authority/the bureaucratic system], and has to break the rules to break a [terrorist organisation/drug syndicate/arms dealer], doing things his own way. He happens to know martial arts."
As a final note, if you want to see a movie that takes the common cliches of the hollywood movie, cuts them up with a razor, and snorts them with a hooker in a hotel room, see 'No Country for Old Men'. Go out and rent the movie. Sit down, and after twenty minutes write down on a piece of paper what you think will happen, then put it to one side. Read it again at the end of the movie, and weep.
http://www.drhorrible.com/index.html
Joss Whedon, Neil Patrick Harris, and Nathan Fillion, if any of you asked I would give up my anal virginity to you. You are individually that awesome. Joined together, however, you are like Voltron, capable of feats any one Lion couldn't do.
Now, onto the post itself.
The cliche. Simultaneously one of the most loved and hated aspects of any story. If it's too cliche, people are jolted out of their suspension of disbelief, ending up just shaking their head in disgust. Even worse then that, they can be too predictable. If your average audience can predict how things will end precisely, it just weakens the story and makes it less enjoyable.
Notice, however, that I said "predict how things will end precisely". THAT is an important point. There are always a few things the audience will be able to predict, unless you mangle the story so badly it becomes unenjoyable. There will always be a love interest. There will always be a low point the hero(es) has(/have) to recover from. Some cliches are nearly (but not quite) essential, and it takes a very deft hand to write a movie usurping the cliches successfully.
Some other cliches, however, if usurped can be quite fun. The above link is proof of that, making a story where the bad guy is not only the main character, he's the one you sympathise with more then the good guy. I, one day (in the imaginary world where I become a successful screenplay writer), hope to try my hand at writing a moviescript where the story is all about the villain. The nearest I've seen to this being done (aside from 'that' old Western everyone knows) are the 'smart crook' movies and Lock Stock style underworld movies. Don't get me wrong, I love the those movies and REALLY hope to write a smart-crook one myself, but let's face it, they're criminals but they're not BAD guys.
Let's actually look at what a cliche IS. A Cliche, at it's most essential analysis, is something that has been used so much in a particular genre that people expect it. In many ways the cliche is a bad thing, but in terms of characters the cliche can be good. A cliche is used alot, and why is it used alot? Because more often then not it WORKS. A well written cliche can be alot of fun. Often it can be a lot more fun then an attempt to break the cliche.
So, what is my general point?
Respect the cliche. Treat it with respect and surprise it occasionally, but don't overuse it lest it fall apart. Sometimes the fantasy story beginning with the young boy thrust into a world outside his humble village, unaware of his grand fate or incredible lineage, is the best kind of fantasy story.
Just don't let it become a Steven Segal. Not sure what I mean? Try to think of a single Steven Segal movie that can't be summarised with the following.
"Steven Segal is a maverick (ex?) [Cop/FBI agent] who bucks [authority/the bureaucratic system], and has to break the rules to break a [terrorist organisation/drug syndicate/arms dealer], doing things his own way. He happens to know martial arts."
As a final note, if you want to see a movie that takes the common cliches of the hollywood movie, cuts them up with a razor, and snorts them with a hooker in a hotel room, see 'No Country for Old Men'. Go out and rent the movie. Sit down, and after twenty minutes write down on a piece of paper what you think will happen, then put it to one side. Read it again at the end of the movie, and weep.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
The Pros and Cons of different forms of media
There are many different forms of media around that can tell stories (books, comics, movies, TV, etc etc). Each of them have their own particular strengths and faults. Just to try and appear deap, and because it's what I want to write about today, I'm going to try and classify the strengths and weaknesses of each in terms of storytelling.
MOVIES
Pros:
MOVIES
Pros:
- Collaborative effort, can be improved immensely by good actors, directors and behind the scenes staff.
- Self contained story, easy for anyone to sit down, watch and enjoy.
- Higher budget then TV series compressed into singular event, resulting in vastly improved effects.
Cons:
- Quite short, has to fit whole story (introduction to world, introduction to characters, complications, conclusion) within short window of a few hours, at most.
- A single faulty member has the potential to completely destroy audiences suspension of disbelief. A bad director means it makes no sense, and a bad actor just ruins the experience entirely.
- Constrained by a reasonably narrow definition of what a 'good' movie is. Most scripts have to follow the predefined three-act structure to be considered any good.
TELEVISION
Pros:
- Extended exposure to the characters. The episodes each tell an individual story, but the presence of continuous characters across the series gives the audience a chance to grow fond of them.
- Only requires a singular introduction. Once the characters are known, that's all that's needed, and you can use following episodes to make them grow.
- The (hopefully) large number of episodes in the season allows you to make any character growth more gradual then it has to be in movies, making it more realistic
- Similar collaborative effort to movies.
Cons:
- Limited budgets stretched out over the whole season means that it's very difficult to do TV shows that require great deals of special effects
- Usually have to continue on until they jump the shark, forced to keep making episodes by their producers who don't want to give up the cash cow. This ruins the memories of them for fans, some times.
- Simlar potential for single weak point to make it less entertaining, like movies.
Comics
Pros:
- Once characters are established, they're firmly established and can be brought back any time, without having to worry about actors or any other issue. Most comic book characters are already FIRMLY established.
- Budget rarely limits story potential through limited special effects, since it's not that much harder to draw a giant Cthulu attacking Spiderman and Captain America then it is to draw Spiderman talking.
- Continuous nature means that as long as someone is willing to write it, someone is willing to draw it, and someone is willing to publish it, comic books can continue on indefinately.
Cons:
- "No one ever dies except Uncle Ben and Buckey" is no long accurate, since Buckey came back. Because comics are so often written by different writers, who change constantly, there are so many occasions where one writer killed a character, only for another to bring the character back, that no one takes comic book death seriously anymore. This heavily limits dramatic potential.
- Heavily male orientated. Alot of the time, if a female comic book character is made, being a woman is part of her 'gimmick'. Alot of the time the female characters are secondary characters in comics about male characters, which leaves them vulnerable to be heavily tormented to show how 'badarse' the villain of the hour is. Women in Refrigerators syndrome.
- Go on too long. Once a character is popular, comic book publishers don't want to give him up, resulting in characters that've been going CONSTANTLY since as far back as the 50s. Try reading all of Batman or Spiderman's history on their wikipedia page, and tell me it's not a convoluted, contradictory piece of crap. SOMEONE PUT BATMAN AND SPIDERMAN OUT OF THEIR MISERY!
Novels? Well I feel I've written enough for now. Maybe at a later date I'll finish with Novels.
For now, tah tah.
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