- 39. A lifetime of reading comics has left me with an impossibly high standard upon women's beauty. However this is counter-acted romantically, by the fact that a lifetime of reading comics has left me very, very un-picky and willing to settle for just about anythin'.
Gentle readers, I am a geek/nerd as the title of this blog suggests, however there are things above and beyond my level of nerdity. Things so powerful in geekitude that they rock my socks clean off. These are things SO AMAZINGLY NERDY that even I am impressed, while simultaneously being scared.
First off, there is a wikipedia dedicated to Star Wars. Nothing revolutionary, there's a wikipedia for everything (even cocktail recipes).
http://starwars.wikia.com/
But, inside this wiki, there are over 40 pages (some of them small, but still there) dedicated to lightsaber combat.
That's right. A fictional form of combat.
http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Lightsaber_combat
Think about it. They made ALL this stuff up themselves. Normal sword fighting stuff is next to useless when talking about lightsabers for two main reasons. Unlike swords, the entirity of a lightsaber's weight is in the hilt, whereas many swords use their weight along the whole length to give their attack some heft. Secondly swords only have specific ways they can hurt (hit the enemy with appropriate strength so that the precise blade of the weapon contacts skin), whereas Lightsabers are pretty open (touch bad guy to hot end. Dead).
So they had to make ALL of this up.
They made up seven 'official' forms 'forms' of fighting (basing most of it on various computer games, I think), writing hundreds of words about the philosophies, techniques and practitioners of each. The forms are named "Shii-Cho", "Makashi", "Soresu", "Ataru", "Shien/Djem So", "Numan" and "Juyo/Vaapad."
Next comes a bit about other forms and techniques used in lightsaber fighting. This includes (among other things):
Sokan: Using terrain to your advantage. Jackie Chan is a master of this.
Form 'Zero': Not using a lightsaber... well gee, I didn't realise one way to use a lightsaber was to not use it.
'Dun Moch': "Distracting and taunting an opponent, a Sith technique". Basically shit talking. If you watch the movies and play the games, pretty much all bad guys in Star Wars do this.
- Emperor: "Something something Dark Side. Something something Destiny."
- Darth Vader: "You've got a twin sister, huh?
Maybe we can get her to join instead the- wait, what? ARGH! My hand! Oh shit, man. Yeah, that shit talking backfired on me. Argh, that hurt." - Darth Tyrannus: "Brave of you boy, but I would have thought you'd have learnt your lesson." "Well I am a slow learner." "... You see, you just insulted yourself there. Well... well done man, just seriously, well done. You just proved your an idiot." "Shut up!" "Oh, another biting remark! You sure put me in my place."
Next the site goes on to talk about 'unorthodox' lightsaber methods, then the "three styles of the new jedi order". Compared to the seven they yaked on about before, this is quite simple.
1. Fast
2. Medium
3. Strong
... They put huge effort into those names.
Finally, the home stretch! ... Wait, what? It's not?
Of course it isn't, because now there are names for all the possible ways you can stab/slice someone with a lightsaber!
Cho mai: Cutting off your opponents hand. This was meant to show honour to cause minimal damage to an enemy. Except, you know CUTTING OFF THEIR FRIGGIN' HAND. I dunno about you, but I LIKE my hand. It does all my favourite things (keep it out of the gutter, pervs.)
Cho mok: Cutting off a limb. Odd name, I'd have called it "OH GOD! MY LEG! ARGH! I was using that! Oh man it hurts!"
Cho sun: Cutting off their weapon using arm. "oh man, I am so sorry. I was trying to cho mai you, but I cho sun'ed you instead. Man, is my face red."
Sai cha: Beheading your opponent. Used on opponents "too dangerous to keep alive". ... Surely if you're trying for non-lethality, then a lightsaber isn't the way to go.
Sai tok: Cutting an opponent in half, "frowned upon by the Hedi because of its Sith-like nature". So it's fine to cut a head off, but the moment you go to the waist it becomes bad?
Shiak: Stabbing someone. Surely you don't need a specific name to stab someone.
Shiim: Apparently so, because this is a different type of stabbing someone. This is a small wound, either as an act of desperation, or just to immobilise an opponent from the pain. AKA. Nearly missing, or being a sadist.
Sun djem: Disarming someone. Get this: "a very diverse sub form; moves ranged from spinning a lightsaber to dislodging an opponent's weapon to kicking or punching an opponent." ... Wow, that is a hell of a range. Almost as if the writers of this article were making shit up, trying to link together things that weren't meant to be linked.
Mou kei: Dismembering an opponent through a circular motion of the lightsaber, aimed at major limbs. So basically... the same as 'cho mak', except with a circular motion, rather then a trapezoidal one.
Next it goes on about 'maneuvers'. I won't bore you with them all, just the 'best' one.
Jung: 180 degree turn. I kid you not. "So then I turned around, sorry, I meant I 'jung'.
Finally it goes on about behind the scene stuff. There's one quote here I actually like from the head choreographer of the fights (Nick Gillard). "I wrote them (the fights) very much like a game of chess played at a thousand miles an hour. And every single move is check."
I admit, part of me is scared... but part of me is also REALLY impressed at how much detail has gone into this stuff.
Seriously guys, have a read of this. It's absolutely hilarious.
No comments:
Post a Comment