Eurovision Song Contest

Before I share my night-long commentary on the final of the Eurovision song contest, there are four things I would like to get off my chest.

1. Aysel in the Azerbaijan entry was absolutely gorgeous. A quick wikipedia search revealed she's only turned 20 less then half a month ago. Damnit I feel old now.

2. The German entry was absolutely awesome.



If this entry doesn't make you at least KINDA interested in men, if only for two minutes (until Dita Von Teese shows up), there's something wrong with you.

3. Norway, for most of the voting, was double it's nearest rival. Can I just say that I didn't enjoy the Norwegian entry? No doubt it had it's fans (otherwise it wouldn't have won so convincingly), but I plain didn't enjoy it.

4. Who noticed the voting blocks? That's right, the Eurovision song contest has 'talent' as a secondary consideration at best, the primary consideration being old alliances and grudges between countries. Want to know why Norway won? They had a reasonable entry, and NO ONE DISLIKES THEM.

Now, only my running commentary

7:42
A pair of wires, a giant treadmill, and a pack of adoring women. Wow, last years Russian winner got paid well.
7:45
It seems they saved the 'good' hosts for the finals. It haven't once seen him try to feel her up
7:49
My enjoyment of Lithuania's entrant was ruined when I noticed two things. 1. He has sharp side burns. 2. The piano kept playing when he stood up. ILLUSION BROKEN
7:51
P.S. Lithuania, you gain nothing when using your Eurovision entry to inform the world that your people are flammable.
7:53
Israel, just for getting my hopes up about the possibility of cleavage, then dashing them (damned skin coloured dress sections) I award you nil points.
7:57
The French entrant is gracing us with the little known French dialect of 'phlegmy French'.
8:02
Dear Sweden: A dress should not be described as 'shaggy'. 'Shaggy' should be limited to carpets, dogs and Hanna Barbara cartton characters only
8:05
According to the 'postcards' advertising each country in the Eurovision, the entirety of Europe is populated by breakdancers, skateboarders, and women looking inordinately happy to be crossing the road.
8:08
I was going to list who was off their faces with the Portuguese entry, but it might be quicker to list the people ON their faces. "What do you want the backdrop to look like?" "Take this and draw what you see."
8:29
Call me picky, Russia, but I don't enjoy a 30 foot video screen showing a crying old woman. That may just be me, though.
8:33
And Azerbaijan wins the "most winks in a single performance" with three in three minutes. Oh, and to the dude, if you're singing with a 20 year old and playing a ukulele with an extended neck it does look like you're compensating for something.
8:37
Bosnia's entrant makes me wonder: How much thought goes into the degree of 'scruffy unshaven' look the performers cultivate? Would he have shaven just before the semi's in order to get the right look for the finals, or would he had had the idea look in the semi's, to try and get through?
8:44
Look closely, the Moldovan entrant has "don't panic" written in Moldovan on her left palm.
8:46
If anyone is missing a mop, the Moldovan entrant's backup singer seems to have found it.
8:50
Someone told me the Maltese entrant that a lot of REALLY good female singers are unattractive. She got the equation half right
8:52
The Estonian entrant just confirms it. Violins/string instruments are the new black
9:00
The German entrant has just made me gay. I have no regrets.
9:02
And now they've just brought out a burlesque performer, Miss Dita Von Teese. I'm straight again.
9:04
Turkey: "One of these things is not like the others, one of these things just doesn't belong"
9:10
Albania: A second helping of twin midget joker break dancers and a sequined gimp DOES NOT MAKE IT BETTER. Only one word can describe it: Skeeeevy.
9:12
Norway, we've seen you play your violin twice, and twice you've broken your bow. I think you may be doing something wrong.
9:17
I think the Cameraman had a seizure during the Ukranian entry. I don't blame him I nearly had one myself.
9:19
Oh, and a question to the Ukraine: What IS an "anti-crisis girl"? Is it like a "normal day girl"?
9:20
And a big hello to the Romanian entrant! As a side note,t he dancers, choreography and outfits were chosen by the male population of the world aged 18-55
9:28
There are many things that could be said about the UK entrant, so I'll limit myself to one: I think I saw nipple.
9:33
Wow Finland. I didn't realise it was possible to get away with pants and a pair of sleeves. And nothing else.
9:36
Just so you know, Spain, flesh coloured jump suits with glitter is cheating. You're getting me interested for nothing.
10:28
Oh please, don't let the German entrant lose to the UK entrant. For the love of all things nerdy, don't let the Germans be beaten by Malta!
10:59
Oh thank god, Germany beat Malta! I am content with the Eurovision, justice is served.
11:00
Though the Norwegian entry was about as fun as stringing my pubes appropriately and playing them like a violin, and really didn't deserve to win... It's the Eurovision, no one who deserves to win ever wins it.