Why FPS' just don't get me

Busy days = few posts

I'm not much of an FPS (First Person Shooter to the uninformed in the methodology of the geek, in which case what are you doing here?) player. If I play a game, it's either since I want to forge my own story in the game environment, or enjoy a wealth of customisation so in depth it makes god himself scratch his prematurely balding head and say "Why didn't I think of that shit?" In this respect FPS' not only fall on their arses, but they fall on their arses so hard that a little known law of physics results in their hips splatting out their forehead.

Both of these things do not come in an FPS, and few enough of them have a story worth writing home about, let alone worth writing down on a piece of paper to begin with. Except to try and work out where they're going to squeeze in a sewer level (then again, I play fantasy Roleplaying games, where sewers seem to be the one section of society that advances beyond the medieval period. Seriously, those guys have plumbing that makes my house look like I'm throwing it out my window in a bucket), and potentially trying to mention the big boss's name once or twice before the grand finale, just so the players aren't thinking "Why am I shooting this bastard" as they unload a truckload of hot steaming lead into his brain and/or arse (some particularly odd sci-fi FPS' can have both being the same thing).

First Person Shooters are, traditionally, so linear you can attach a monorail to the story. Walk down corridor's A through Z shooting anything moving that isn't in the same colours as you, occasionally stopping for a cutscene and/or high-score and/or loading screen. When the only real variations in the narrative consist of "Shall I shoot generic grunt 172 with the pistol or go all out and use the shotgun" there is no real variety in the story. Granted, some people do not WANT variety, but I do. If I play through a game twice and it's the exact same both times I won't find any enjoyment in playing it through a third time. It's like watching a movie. First time you enjoy the experience, second time you analyse the narrative, and third time you wonder why you're not watching something with full frontal nudity.

Customisability is my crack, which makes it odd how unenjoyable I found Spore. It's probably just because Spore felt like you were playing the exact same game with a different skin, no matter how you tried to make your animals different. In an FPS customisability is which collection of death dealing guns you'll tote around like an anti-social maniac in the zombie apocalypse. Sometimes a game will go all out and allow you to choose your armour. Then there are some wild and crazy FPS (all designed for online play) where you choose a Class! These continally fail to gain my attention since I'm far more interested in a roleplaying game where characters can be genuinely different.

Someday someone will make an open sandbox game with nearly limitless customisability of your character. On that day I will happily resign from life and build a basement so I can hang around in it all day playing this game.

This will be doubly beneficial for me, since about this time the seas will turn to blood and there will be a sudden market for snow shovels in hell.

Oh ho, end on that bloody overused "snowing in hell" joke. Well guess what, I KNOW it makes no sense (Dante's inferno describes the deepest circle of hell as being an ice and snow covered plain) and I'll use it anyway. It's cuz I'm a maverick, see.