Crowded train ettiquette

This is not a joke, this is a warning. Never. Ever. Read. Starship. Troopers. It's like if the socratic dialogues were written by a George Bush who'd actually done stuff in the army.

• 84. I believe everyone should have a trophy shelf, upon which they are not allowed to put genuine trophies. It is to be full of random knick knacks which will serve as a reminder of every accomplishment they've made and great time they've had somewhere. Mine has an empty water bottle I took with me on my Eurotrip, a Revoltech toy I bought in Melbourne, the empty Scotch bottle I drank 2/3rds of in an hour, a beer mug with a bell on it my Grandfather got me, and a copy of the first script I ever finished writing.

Yes, I know I promised this post would be about my desire to play an evil style roleplaying pen and paper based campaign, but last night (technically this morning) something occured which I must rant about.

Last night I had a most enjoyable night. Laughs were plenty on offer, and I managed to impress a few people by acting reasonably sober after drinking nearly an entire bottle of Scotch by myself (I gave a half-shot to a guy in exchange for a cigar, so we could both bring in the new year with scotch and a cigar. Every time I had the cigar in my teeth, I had the urge to say "Beautiful, just beautiful" in tribute to Ray Winston, the second greatest Ghostbuster).

However, the train home was a pain in the arse. I can cope with the fact it was slowed down by immense numbers of people jumping on the train all over the city, I can cope with the fact it was slowed down by unforseeable mechanical problems. The people just annoyed me.

When you sit down next to a guy on a two-person seat with your girlfriend on your lap, I (as the other guy in the seat) can cope with it.

When you go for discreet fondles of your girlfriend, I get a bit uncomfortable, but I can cope with it. It's New Years Eve, it's forgiveable.

When you start noisily making out with her, I get very uncomfortable, but once more I can cope with it.

When you get her to stand up so you can adjust your erection is when you cease to be a person I will hold my farts in for. I TREAURED the horrified look you gave me after that fart.

Here is a public service anouncement. Public Displays of Affection are fine in moderation. But the moment your penis needs to be dealt with is the moment I draw the line. You EARNED that fart, and I think all the people sitting around us looking awkward as you two went too far will agree I did the right thing.


I just wish I hadn't used it all. Since twenty minutes later I was in a different seat next to a middle aged guy asleep, and his 10 year old (approx) son. It was fine, despite the child looking a bit nervous without his dad backing him up. However the guy woke up and stood up, looking out at the train station we'd just stopped at and trying to inch past me. I understood this to mean "I'm getting off the train", and stood up so he could do so. The guy then sat back down, putting his legs up where I had been sitting, and leaning back against his son, using the kid as a pillow.

Well done, sir, you just lost all right to be judged as a 'person'.