Ikea is evil

Ikea is the grand evil of the modern age.

It is the breeding ground of middle class wank, a world in which it is believed that it is not only acceptable to stand around discussing the benefits of the 'Billy' wall unit/bookcase in comparison to the multitude of other possible styles, but it is ENCOURAGED.

I had to walk around Ikea today, staring at row upon row of useless, pointless pieces of wood arranged in such a way that it supposedly looks elegant and classy. Just a word of notice, YOU DO NOT GET ELEGANCE AND CLASSY FROM IKEA. It is mass manufactured nonsense you put together yourself!

The Alan key is the greatest torture the world has devised since meeting someone who thinks every appliance with a clock in it must be programmed for the exact some time. "You know what would be a GREAT idea. Selling chunks of wood people have to put together themselves to make flimsy pieces of furniture. And they'll do it with a tiny piece of metal that slips constantly!"

When walking through Ikea, I saw an arc-shaped 'thing' holder with the middle of the arch being hollow. At first I thought it was pretty stupid, since the only people who could comfortably reach the top would be so tall they'd bump their head doing anything under it, but I figured "well, it gives people a chance to put stuff in the middle of the arch, like maybe a TV stand or something."

To: Me@Optimistic.brain
From: Me@Realworld.brain
Subject: WRONG

Incorrect!

It was DOUBLE SIDED. If you wanted to get your moneys worth, you had to put it IN THE MIDDLE of the room, so you could access both sides. What the bloody hell!? What sort of middle class "ha ha, this'll put me ahead of the Jonses" idiot decides a piece of furniture that acts as a mini-door that has to be put in the MIDDLE of the room to be useful, is a good idea!

And then I saw the Shoe holder. It was seriously just a metal grill you put in your wardrobe so your shoes weren't on the ground. Oh no, they were now TEN INCHES above the ground. Never shall your precious shoes be sullied by touching the ground again! (except when you need to walk). It looked like someone had shrunk down two bike racks and superglued them together.

Oh, and the next big thing! Listen carefully boys and girls, since this is the important one. The next big thing in furniture is... No handles.

You heard me. There are no more handles on chest of drawers or anything that opens. Now the wood that acts as the door has an awkward incline along the unhinged edge, so you need to dig your fingers in awkwardly and pull to open them. Call me crazy, a bit wild, a maverick if you will, but I for one LIKE handles. They're simple. "Grip and pull". But apparently that's an extra piece of wood we don't need (it's probably recycled into those bloody tiny pencils they sell), so it's gone the way of dignity: TOTALLY UNNEEDED IN IKEA.

Sorry, I just had to get that off my chest.

Avoid Ikea. Retain dignity.