Statements that never precede a good idea

You get two posts today, since over the next week I shall be posting infrequently. Despite this supposed 'bonus' it is really just a short post, with the meaty part of it stolen verbatum from a bunch of people I was drunkenly talking with friday night/saturday morning (it all blended together).

There are a number of phrases in the English Language that often are used to precede an idea or plan on how a number of individuals should spend their time. Among these phrases there are some that have, throughout the history of human endeavour, NEVER proceeded a 'good' idea. Here are a smattering of them.

1. "First, we'll have some shots, then..."
Any plan that requires a standard drink of alcohol down the throat in the space of two seconds before undertaking is bad. No arguement.

2. "OH MY GOD! I just had the best idea ever!"
'Oh my god' never proceeds 'good'. The best you can do with 'Oh my god' is shock and surprise. And the need to exagerate your plan so it is the 'best idea ever' just states that you're needing to overstate it's case.

3. "Dude! You know what we HAVE to do?"
"Stop you there before you start outlining an evening ahead that will get us arrested and/or lubed in an uncomfortable place that shouldn't NEED lube?"

4. "We'll have a quick nap now, then wake up in a few hours and..."
If you require a nap before proceeding to phase two, you're tired enough that you won't wake up in a few hours. This is one of the less 'bad' prefix phrases, since this is unlikely to end in catastrophe.

5. "You know what?"
No plan that ever relied upon in-depth knowledge of an indefinate conceptual item in language is worth doing.

Edit: Pix is a smartarse

Non-nerdy - Weight loss

Two men are in a bar, one of them goes to light a cigarette, but his lighter won't start. He walks up to the second man who already has a lit cigarette, a distinguished gentleman in his late 40s, and says "Excuse me, but can I have a light?"
"No."
"No? Why not?"
"Because if I give you a light, we'll probably start talking, and I'll probably order you a drink. You'll sit down, we'll continue talking, and find ourselves getting along remarkably well. After a while of this you say you should be going, you need to get something to eat. I'll mention I have a roast in the oven waiting for my return, and you'll come home with me. We'll eat dinner, open a bottle of wine, relax and have an enjoyable evening. About that time you'll realise how late it is, too late to catch a cab home reasonably, and I'll offer to let you stay in the spare room. My beautiful daughter is 23 and recently returned home from University, she is also staying in the spare room. Your eyes will meet and you two will fall madly in love, and you will make love to her while I am upstairs. You will get her pregnant, after which you will refuse to marry her, causing immense damage to her life."
"But I will! I will marry her!"
"No you won't, because I won't give you a light."
- Dave Allen (Paraphrased)

• 94. I used to think of myself as a bit of a loner. I've recently realised how wrong this is. If I don't have regular social contact with people, either over the internet or face to face (preferably with alcohol in hand) then I begin to go a bit loony.

I find this hilarious. I am of a reasonably large build, and for that reason I have, over the past few months, adopted an exercise program. It consists of an exercise bike and some weights, with occasional (when I remember) sit ups thrown in. There has been a visible improvement, and comparing me to my graduation photo, taken about 4-5 months ago (the precise date is on this blog somewhere) shows there is visible change for the better.

Yesterday I jumped on the scales to see how much difference there actually is.

I am 3 kilograms (approximately six and a half pounds) lighter. Precisely. 3 kilograms after 4-5 months work.

I find this hilarious. I KNOW I've improved, I can feel a scary amount of muscle in places it wasn't before ("Oh, I didn't know there was meant to be a lump there. Wow!"), and I can see and feel the difference. I know I have lost fat and replaced it with a degree of muscle. All this combines to mean I find it hilarious that after months of work I've lost 3 kilo.

I have told this to about four people as a joke. Every single one of them has responded in a similar manner.

"It's a start."
"Slow and steady is the way to go, mate."
ETC.

I understand and appreciate why they are doing this, trying to encourage me in case I'm getting a bit down about it all. But c'mon, surely SOMEONE else in the world would notice I was grinning as I said it (I'll admit this part is difficult over MSN) and laugh.

I get to say "In my nearly 6 months of exercise, I have lost 3 kilograms".

Someone else, laugh!

Let's be controversial for the sake of it

A second blog post inside of an hour. I'm on fire, ladies and gents!

• 55. I suck at languages. The only language other then English I know anything of is German, and that's because I spent two weeks there. All I can say in that is "ein bier danke" (One beer thank you) "bitte shon" (you're welcome) and "gutten tag, niche spreche zie Deutche" (Good day, I speak not the German)

This has nothing to do with nerdiness, you've already had a post on that today, so don't be greedy.

Can SOMEONE explain to me what Thanks-Giving is meant to be about? As an Australian I have not, nor do I believe I ever will, understood it or participated in it.

Can someone just please explain to me what it's purpose is? It's meeting up with your family and having a big dinner (that apparently induces fatigue in people who eat it) on a day that props up an entire faction in the meat industry. This same family who you would avoid like the plague most other days of the year, you smile at, engage pleasentries you really don't mean, giving them well wishes, smiling benignly while thinking "You just spent the last 30 minutes complaining about the family members who couldn't make it, now you're going to go to them and complain to them about the rest of us". Then when they're finally gone, when the relatives have up and left your sight, granting you respite from the company of people you wouldn't have anything to do with if you didn't share genes, you realise you've got to go get Christmas presents for the bastards!

"It is a holiday where you give thanks." What? I don't need a holiday for that! I do that every day!

"Oh thank the force I managed to get here in time for the bus"
"Thanks for giving me a lift, I owe you one"
"Thank you for your mediocre service, underpaid worker of McDonalds"
"Thank you for this divine beer, awesome bartender."
"Thank christ I survived that hangover in one piece."

I don't NEED a day where I'm obliged to thank people, it's like the Valentine's day of gratitude, except with large plates of food instead of cards and public displays of affection.

So Thanksgiving day is where we gather with people (who we have nothing but genes in common with), eating food (which I do normally) and giving thanks (that isn't deserved).

You can keep that Holiday, America. I'm going to sit back and enjoy Beer Friday, thank you.

I have reached new heights of boredom (or is it depths?)

... And I saw one of the wise men leaning out of his vans at my pre-pubescent body, before he whispered. "We've got some gold, frankenscence and myr in here, if you'd like it, little boy. We think you're very very special." I called the police and had them arrested.

• 53. My fondest hope is that scientists find an economically viable minable material on another planet. The only way humans are gonna get interplanetary space travel is if there's some money making reason behind it. It's unfortunate, but in my view it's true.

Short post today

In my boredom, I have written overly 100,000 words in the past couple of months (not counting this blog).

I've written a comic book script, a comic book proposal overview, a movie script, part of a novel, a huge amount of a set of RPG rules, and now I've reached a new height.

I've written a comedy song.

I've even downloaded a music maker program, considering trying to record it and put it up somewhere.

Someone stop me, please.

EDIT: ADDITIONAL: Important news flash!

http://flickr.com/photos/40182896@N00/sets/72157607412386119/

Among the most awesome thing ever created.

Go. Look. Nerdgasm.

Bro-code Vs Man-code

'You get two Irish fellah's talking in a pub. One says to the other "What do you think about sex before marriage?" The other says "I don't think about it." The first continues saying "I know I never had sex with MY wife before marriage, did you?" He replies "I've no idea, what's her name?"
- Dave Allen

• 51. I have WAY too much time on my hands. Hopefully that will change when I become rich, respected, admired, and employed.

Well, bored, and feeling no need to vanish off to sleep despite it being past midnight. Thus I will put in my 'tomorrow' (today) post early. I understand this isn't a nerd topic, but it's one I hold very near and dear to my heart.

Put your hands up if you've heard of the Bro-code?
Put your hands up if you've heard of the Man-code?

Put your hands up if you think they're the same thing?

You, in the back, who kept his hand up, you're fired. Leave the building now, don't come back until you've learnt the sound of one hand clapping.

At it's most basic level, the two cross paths, but their eventual destinations are highly different.

The Man-Code: A set of criteria upon which a man is judged as being 'manly' in the stereotypical, twenty-years-in-the-past manner. To succeed in the Man-Code you must be tough, avoid any contact with men that isn't about drinking or playing sports, and avoid any contact with women that isn't in an indirect manner (not TOO indirect, not like Freud's stuff, otherwise you could do anything with them) sexually orientated in nature. I.E. Having sex, leading up to sex, or trying to convince them you're worth having sex with.

Needless to say, I don't agree with alot of the Man-code. Some of it I don't mind (such as the requirement of standing as far away as humanly possible from people at a urinal. It's a public comfort issue), but most of it is dodgy.

The Bro-Code: While having some overlap, the Bro-Code is a set of guidelines on how to treat your bro's. While at first some of it may seem ridiculous, it is designed quite cleverly in many ways. The Bro-code exists primarily to prevent internal struggle and conflict between the bro's. It covers things like when it is allowed to date the friend's ex-girlfriend (depends on the severity of the breakup. In most cases 'never'), which relatives of the friend are off limits (here's a hint, NEARLY ALL OF THEM), and eating ettiquette ("You gonna have that last slice of pizza?" "Nahh mate, go for it.")

This is not the exaggerated bro-code spread about by idiots who know not of what they speak, or mistake the Bro- and Man- codes for one another.

If you want to know the main difference between the Bro-code and the Man-code, you need only look at the name.

The MAN code is singular, dealing with the individual and his actions. It is insular and lonely, and concerned only with the self.

The BRO code deals with the man and his brothers (by other mothers). It is communal, a code of conduct agreed upon by genuine bros before their eyes open in the morning.

We are Bro's! And we shall not sleep with our friend's sisters!

I guest posted

... And that is why I avoid large crowds, am afraid of the zombie apocalypse, and wanted in three states.

• 47. Often, without intending to, I misprounounce "Hyperbole" as "hyper-bole". It's my greatest shame. Well, that, and the multiple felonies I've commited.

The continuation of "Less Common Nerd pass times" will occur on a later day. I guest posted in my friend's blog (http://www.pixcapacitor.com/) today, and so that's my post for the day.

Yeah, that's right. The 'guest post' (where I post as Steve) is actually just quotes from the NSS' used in this blog.

So instead of posting in a blog, I'm bringing you a "best of" from this blog that I posted in another blog, and linking to it.

What a round-about way to avoid doing any work on my own blog.

What happens when I read books about awesome dead dudes...

"I retired. I still am retired. But to keep myself during my retirement in a manner to which I'm accustomed, I have to work. It's a kind of Irish retirement."
- Dave Allen

45. I know this is meant to be "100 facts about myself", but I feel the need to state this fact. Dave Allen is the greatest comedian who ever lived. I was genuinely upset at his passing, years ago when it happened.















And just to show you why it's so much of a tragedy that he's not longer with us. To put this sort of thing into a comedy show during the years that there were genuine fears of Nuclear war was quite impressive. Not a comedy routine.



Good night, thank you, and may your god go with you.

Road to authority!

... And that is why I don't have foreskin anymore.

• 28. I have an obsession with trying to find odd things to do, hoping they will catch on. I'm trying to get 'Station' to be used as vernacular for 'cool'. Ask me about 'The Game' sometime.

Not really a nerdy post, but this is something I want to get out there.

Ladies and gentlemen, fake your quotes and see how long before someone calls you on it.

It always bothers me when someone will start quoting a relatively famous historical figure, using it as proof that their way of thinking is right. To me it just says "I am letting someone else justify my point of view, rather then justifying it myself".

The thing is, unless what you say is completely out of character for that historical figure, or the arguement is on the internet where they can do a search for it, you will almost NEVER be called on making up a quote. The game is to press it further and further, making up worse and worse quotes, just to see how long before the person is willing to call the quote. Or, if you REALLY want to push the envelope, just make up people to quote. It won't work in situations dealing with an expert on the field you're making up, but for most people they won't know enough to challenge you.

Some made up quotes for use. Think up your own, and make them up on the spot. Make up a quote supporting your position, then attribute it to someone famous.

"If man understood woman, the population would dramatically increase. If woman understood man, the population would dramatically shrink"

"To understand science is to know the world. To understand music is to know the soul. To understand philosophy is to know you know nothing."

"I disagree with everything you just said"

Most important is who to attribute to your quote. Here are some possibilities.

Ghandi
Voltaire
Mark Twain (he said f-ing EVERYTHING)
Socrates
Plato
Machiavelli
Hume
Einstein
Tesla
Sarte

Some names NEVER to attribute to your quote, since it just makes it lose all credibility
Hitler
Jesus
Aristotle
Mario

Never let the truth get in the way of a good story

... So this huge giant robot fell on me. Thankfully I woke up seconds before the impact. My beautiful girlfriend rolled over in the bed and checked I was ok. After I said I was, she fell on me. Unfortunately I woke up seconds before the impact.

• 25. I am incredibly awful at telling if something is true or not if it's delivered in a deadpan tone.

One of my favourite non-quotes is "Never let the truth get in the way of a good story". To that end I now wish to collect a bunch of stories that could be true (and would be awesome if they were), but unfortunately are not.

George Foreman lost his fingerprints in a grilling accident. There was no problem until he tried to travel around inside the US, and at one point they needed to get his fingerprints.
(This one was the work of Ross Noble. For a few weeks it was spread around the world as a real fact).

Credit Cards, when first invented, were limited to a single small area around where they were issued, and worked partially on the honour system.

The shortest ever name for a theatrically released American movie was a lesser known sequel to "Them!" simply called "Us!"

J.R.R. Tolkein received initial inspiration for The Hobbit and it's world from a concussion he received in the War. The concussion was caused by friendly fire.

Dungeons and Dragons, the pen and paper based roleplaying game, was originally based in the future, and called "Lightyears and Lasers"

Queen Victoria, despite being well known as dying a virgin, has been recently found by her own diaries to have never worn undergarments while in court.

The Author of Conan had Nazi leanings, as evidenced by the racist ideas present in his writing.

Sir Francis Drake was infamous in his era for having a very effeminate voice

The name 'Sheath', where soldiers in Medieval times put their swords, came from the Latin for vagina

The native inhabitants of America originally brewed marijuana in a coffee like drink


Ladies and gentlemen, one of the above is true. Try to guess.

You are all idiots

... And that's when the firemen showed up to pry me out of the ladies'- Oh hey, didn't see you there.

• 24. One of my grand ambitions in life is to own a set of stormtrooper armour I can wear. It may cost US$3,500, but I am going to make enough money and be fit enough to wear one, one day. ... One day...

I mean it. Every single one of you is an idiot.

When I look out my window, I see half a population that is below average (a statistical fact, just hinged on what 'average' is). But that has absolutely no bearing on the following stats from the institute of "Talking out of my arse".

Of the population I have social contact with:
75% of you will have too few factors of social connection and similarity to allow conversation that
remains non-awkward for more then ten minutes.
50% of that will have views on the matter too different to mine to hold in place any real social friendship
Of that, 75% will be enjoyable enough if met in the bar for a drink, but not really compatible enough to chase down if they're not available.

Out of an initial population of 100 hypothetical people, that leaves 3.125 (rounded down to 3) people who would be considered most awesome of mates who are not real idiots.

And even then, the people we likes are still idiots.

They're just idiots of a sort we don't mind/enjoy.

I want you to do something for me. Next person you talk to, tell them that you're an idiot, and tell them why.

"Hey there. I'm an idiot. I'm socially too shy, horrible at picking up on body language unless genuinely thinking about it, far too interested in nerdy things which affects my interest in actual practical things of life, and otherwise easily distracted with a weird sense of humour. How are you an idiot?"

Embrace the idiot. You'll find a fun idiot is better company then the tiny portion of the world that isn't an idiot.