What the HELL is wrong with people's genitals!?

... And so, having changed from an enormous truck with flames streaking across the bonet, into a sixty foot tall gigantic robot, the alien being knelt down and leaned into towards me. Finally, in a voice of immeasurable age and wisdom, it spoke. "Are you Sammual Witwicky, descendant of Archibald Witwicky?" "No, I'm Stephen. Descendant of Vince." "Oh, sorry, my bad." With that the robotic organisms seemed to transform back into vehicles, and left.

• 14. I wasn't always non-religious. Back in my childish days I was very impressionable, and growing up like that in a heavily religious area (my primary AND high schools were next to a church, and you needed a note to get out of scripture) isn't a good mix. Before losing my faith (in a way I will be describing later) I once caused a scene in a McDonalds by trying to get my brother to pray.

This post will be lacking in insights of all kinds.

It seems whenever I try to watch ANY prime time TV show there is one kind of advertisement that is always on. I will summarise them with one descriptive sentence.

"GENITALS: HERE'S WHAT CAN GO WRONG."

Seriously, it's getting ridiculous. Yes, most modern day moderately educated people these days know about STDs and infections of the crotchal regions, you DON'T need to advertise it constantly.

"You know Susan, I didn't realise it until that advertisement came on, but I MAY have herpes."

If they're so stupid they can't work out they have something wrong with the crotch WITHOUT ads, they deserve red balls.

Today while watching a show, there were ads for herpes and two different thrust treatments. At least one of each of those for the entire hour. Is there some Thrust plague going through Australia that I'm not aware of? Is Bubonic Herpes so rampant within Australia that the companies that produce the ointment think it is economically viable to advertise this stuff in prime time?

That is probably what worries me most. It is considered economically viable (in other words, brings in more money then it costs to put out) to advertise these things in prime time. Seriously Australia, what is wrong with your cervix's and urethras?

Adaptation

... So there I was, beer in one hand, penis in the other, having to confront the awful reality that neither of them were mine.

• 13. I love cereal. Not in a physical/sexual way, but cereal is one of my favourite things. Breakfast? I'll have some cereal thanks. What's for lunch? Nothing planned, no prob, I'll just have some cereal. Dinner, screw it, I'm too lazy to make stuff, I'll have some cereal. It is a wonder food. There's nothing else you can have for all three meals of the day, in a single day. Unless you've got ALOT of leftover frozen pizza.

I think the above is my new favourite NSS.

Something I've touched on before is the propensity hollywood has towards remakes and adaptations of old intellectual properties. Charlies Angels was popular enough to warrent a sequel, they've invested nearly 200 million in the Transformers follow up, X-men and Spiderman were both made into a trilogy, and they're making a Night Rider movie.

I've already covered why hollywood does it, and lamented the lack of risk taking involved (even No Country for Old Men, a movie I absolutely loved, was adapted from a book), but now I'm going to try and discuss what changes need to be made to allow for adaptations.

A rather poor trend in movie adaptations from previous attempts is the current wave towards literal interpretation. In Spiderman 3 they gave Sandman the EXACT same costume to what he wears in the comics, even down to the T-shirt. In X-men 3 they didn't show any fighting scenes with Colossus because they couldn't get him to look 7 feet tall while in metal form. Speed Racer looked like someone with the ability to alter reality took acid and watched the old cartoons.

This is a true pity, since while it can be controversial among some people to deviate from the original material, doing so is what made alot of the original movies good. The Green Goblin in Spiderman 1 was brilliant precisely because he wasn't a nutter in a green warty bodysuit with purple rags on. If the Transformers in that movie were brightly coloured blocky things with size shifting abilities, the movie would be ridiculous.

Instead they feel the need to ape their inspiration as closely as possible.

... You know, I had a whole post ready to go on this subject, but suddenly I'm feeling really quite unwell. Just pretend you've been dazzled by my incredible oratory(/typatory?) capacities and feel wowed.

ARGH ME HEARTIES!

... And I mean, I was completely gobsmacked. I had NO idea chewing gum could be used like that, but she sure showed me. What a strip-club...

• 12. I never outgrew toys. I know alot of adults prefer to refer to them as 'action figures', but screw that. They're Toys, they always will be. If you attempt to call my Optimus Primal an 'action figure' I will... Well to be honest I'll probably just attempt to engage you in debate over how it's a children's toy that I, in a fit of immaturity, bought.

So. Pirates, eh?

Not the "Aye, avast" pretty boys with funny walks and gold teeth, or even the scurvy ridden bilge rats, but the dude with a good internet connection and a torrent program on his computer.

That's right ladies and gentlemen. In order to get pirate copies of things (not that I know from first hand experience or anything) all you need is a single, easy to obtain, legal program, and an internet connection with decent download limits.

Let's just say there's a hypothetical world in which I download movies and computer games. In this hypothetical world I am but one of many people who do such, and as so I can only speak for myself rather then the larger world of pirates (in this non-real world for arguements sake).

Let's hear what pretend Steve says as justification for this horrendous crime of 'theft'.


"Morally speaking, the primary reason in which theft is consider a bad act is not because you now have something which doesn't belong to you, but that you're DENYING other people that same object. If you steal food from someone, you're denying that person access to the food which they, presumably, have earned legitimately.

Does piracy fall under this flag? For a large number of people it may. They will download movies and games instead of paying for them. This is an act of stealing, since it denies the creators and the companies that support them the profits.

However I am quite willing to argue that in my case it doesn't. I follow a rather odd set of rules regarding downloading of games and movies. If I am downloading a movie, it is because it is NOT a movie I would have seen in theatres anyway (hence denying no one a profit) but I am vaguely interested in seeing if it's worth a DVD purchase later. If anything, downloading a good movie means they are MORE likely to earn money, since I'll later on purchase it.

Something similar applies to games. Since companies seem to be trying to phase game demos out of use (there seem to be fewer and fewer companies putting out demos for their games nowdays) I'm left with a dilemma. Potentially waste nearly $100 on a game I won't enjoy, or go without and use the $100 on something I KNOW I'll enjoy (such as alcohol). In a vast majority of cases, the latter option will win out. If there had been a game demo, I would be able to make an informed decision and am more likely to buy (and support) the game if it's genuinely good. This happened with Mass Effect. There was no demo, so I downloaded it, played it, loved it, bought it. In this case, pirating made the company MORE money.

If I download a game or movie and it is good quality, I will then purchase it. I fully intend to buy the Iron Man DVD when it comes out, even though I've downloaded the movie. I'll only download something if I wouldn't have bought it in the first place, and want to see if it's worth buying."

Wow. Fake-Steve really had to think about that. I'm glad I (as a non-pirate) didn't have to put thought into it. After all, I've never downloaded anything illegally.

Minor post of boredom

• 11. I watch DVDs with commentary quite regularly. I watch RENTED DVDs with commentary.

... So there I was, holding the precious solid gold incan idol in one hand clutched tightly to my chest, whip in my other lashing out onto a conveniently placed outcropping in the wall over the bottomless pit swinging over the pit while an enormous boulder rolled down the narrow passageway behind me. All I could think to myself was "What the hell!? This is supposed to be a romantic comedy!"

... But since it turned out the guy was already dead BEFORE I dropped the viola, the murder charges were dropped and I was instead accused of desecrating a body. Man, it's a good thing they didn't do a rape kit on the guy.

... And so that's the story of how I defeated the evil A.I. Ok, I admit, a photocopier with a hatred of the human race isn't that deadly, but the bitch of a machine gave me dozens of papercuts before I cleared tray six.

... And that's the story of how I invented the lemington. Ok, well I didn't INVENT the lemington, but I helped in bringing it to the Australian public. Ok, yes, well it was already really well known, but I helped it's publicity. Alright, alright, I didn't help it's publicity that much. Right, yes, well all I did was eat one rather then go on a date. Fine, you happy? Bitch.

So, I'm getting a piece of paper tomorrow.

... So there I was, standing in front of the urinal having a pee, beer in one hand and you-know-what in the other, when my phone rings with that REALLY important call I'd been expecting. Luckily the friendly man next to me in the urinal held my penis while I finished urinating so I could take the call. Things were going swimmingly until I became aroused.

• 10. I am REALLY bad at picking ages. I usually undershoot the ages of various people, assuming they're younger then they are. This has resulted in me getting to brag to my Uni friends about my youth. Suck on that.

And on that piece of paper will be the summary of the past sixteen and a half years of my life. That piece of paper will say:

BACHELOR OF SOCIAL SCIENCE DEGREE - MACQUARIE UNIVERSITY

STEPHEN RICHARD B.SOCSCI

THIS CERTIFICATE CERTIFIES THAT STEPHEN RICHARD HAS SATISFACTORILY COMPLETED HIS BACHELOR OF SOCIAL SCIENCE.

That piece of paper is going to be, up until this point (hoping I get into Honours) the summary of my education from Primary school, High school and University. I'm going to be up on stage for ten seconds, handed an award while wearing a dorky outfit in front of my parents and grandmother, then sit down once more. In all honesty I'd prefer to get the award mailed to me (less chance of me tripping on the robe and inadvertantly crash tackling the vice chancellor. Although that WOULD be a story to tell) but this moment means alot to my 'guests'.

So. I doubt anyone who reads this blog is interested in the above, I just needed to get it out.

I'm shitting myself about tomorrow. The moment I come home I'll be an official graduate. FUCK ME.

P.S. Someone pressured me into going onto facebook. My e-peen feels inadequate since I haven't added anyone other then Alison (the preassurer, which shall be her official title from now on) to my list, while she has 250 or so friends.

My friends list is the laughing stock of the cheerleaders.

P.P.S. My 'guests' would be an awesome piece of slang to refer to testicles.

Gah, I'm getting in the poor habit of this.

... And these three blind men walked into the bar, feeling around with canes for their surroundings. One of them tripped over a stool, and I felt very sorry for him. What, did you expect a joke? Arsehole.

• 9. I've put a great deal of thought into my ideal superpower. Even though Regeneration would be more effective, I'd prefer super agility. Style over substance, ladies and gentlemen.

Gah, I'm getting in the poor habit of this. I don't FORGET to do something in my blog, I just think I updated it more recently then I actually did.

So, myspace moment: OH WOE! WOE IS ME! LOVELIFE HAS HIT ICEBERG OF BLUEBALLS!

Ahem, right, moving on.

Just a short post today since I haven't really considered what to write about. My comic script was finally sent in. All 70 pages and over 20K words worth of it. Wow. I've finally actually done something to try and be a professional writer, rather then sit back and let it come to me.

Bugger me.

Oh, and look up "MST3K" on Youtube if you have lots of available bandwidth, since you'll be watching HOURS of it. Mystery Science Theatre 3000 is just a show where three comedians with assumed personas (of a 'regular guy' and two robots) watch REALLY bad movies (honest to god terrible) and do amusing commentary on it.

Why few FPS' do anything for me

... To which Oscar Wilde said "Oh yeah, well... your... Mum screws pigs!" I never timetraveled again to meet my idols, since it was always so disappointing.

• 8. I am notoriously bad at finishing what I've started. I wrote a 12,000 word summary for a novel idea, and 18,000 words on what could've been the first of many novels, before giving up. I managed to get to draft 2 of my script before putting it on the back burner. Hopefully I'll go back to it soon. I'm just amazed I managed to finish the comic concept writing and script.

As a gamer, I focus primarily on the computer. It's just easier, I find, since my computer is in my room, and the PS3 we got for free with our TV is in the family room. With that in mind I've got a limited field of games I can really go for.

On the PC there are really four genres of note with any brand of appeal to me.. RTS (Real Time Strategy), FPS (First Person Shooter), RPG (Role Playing Game) and SIM (SIMulation games).

RTS' can be great fun if done right. The main trouble is that I've be spoiled with the Total War games (from Rome onwards. I missed the possible Geek Cred by saying I started with Shogun: Total War). I'm sorry Warcraft fans, but bog off. I don't care HOW powerful the specific abilities of your army members are, a dozen people is NOT an army.

No, it isn't.
NO, it isn't.
Even by todays standards, where a dozen properly trained people can cause immense damage, a dozen people is NOT an army.

Whenever I play an RTS now my first thought is "How big can I make this army", and in most cases I'm disappointed. Even in the scenarios wherein I'm not disapppointed by the max unit numbers, I'm then disappointed by the fact it's entirely unfeasible to make armies that large since you will be rushed way before then, and even if you do then the games no fun since you steam-roll everything. When I play an RTS I want either something out of the ordinary that's awesome (like space fleets in Homeworld) or massive armies clashing. So most RTS' are out.

FPS' aren't really my style. They wildly fluctuate between two different methodologies. "Ultra realistic weapons and decapitations as you have to slowly march your small squad stealthily through the enemy base, picking them off carefully as a single mistep is your death" or "You're a super soldier who can take out a bazillion people by urinating on them, and when you have a gun, well... they're just fucked.".

Don't get me wrong, I have enjoyed some FPS' in the past, but none of them GRAB me. I never got into any of the Half Life games, or any of the ironic FPS'. And just to annoy some people, I'd like to point out that "A super portal between dimensions unleashes an army that only one man can stop" summarises both Doom AND Half Life. In general none of them have stories that make me go "Oh no, I must stop those dastardly villains". They best they've ever gotten from me was "Where're more things to kill? Oh, off in that direction".

RPG. Now we're getting into my territory. Or at least, we should be. The RPG was among my favourite styles of games, where the differences in your character changed things so much. Roleplaying games could all have such different mechanics, it's often one of the more innovative game genres. It often links in with other mechanics (Action-RPG and Tactical-RPG are common terms, in which the RPG is linked with the FPS and RTS respectively) and improves on the game. It makes things genuinely more FUN.

However, in recent years the RPG has been ruthlessly molested, kidnapped and held for ransom. Games like Dungeon Siege reduce it from a tactical game in which you must make game altering decisions and choose the path of your character wisely, to a glorified point and click with a random item generator. I'm sorry, but once again, bog off, there are few enough games like Knights of the Old Republic and Mass Effect for you to be poisoning the well by telling the world this is a 'good RPG'.

Then the ransom. "MMORPG". I love the idea, but like all things it needs to be in moderation. Now suddenly you're completely unable to look up upcoming Roleplaying games, since ALL of them are 'pay per month' online games. It IS possible to make a good RPG that isn't MMO, guys, please, bring back the single-player (or limited multiplayer, like Neverwinter Nights) RPG and let it once again take it's place in the hearts and minds of people. I LOVE Mass Effect. Seriously, that game, were it a person, I would give up my anal virginity to. It's that awesome. A good RPG with a good storyline is an incredible couple of days to yourself. Even an RPG with good gameplay and large amounts of story alteration and character customisation is more fun for me then a vast majority of other genres.

Finally, the Sim. I'm playing Spore at the moment (everyone with a computer seems to be doing so) but it really isn't doing much for me. Some of it is incredible, other parts are just poor design decision. The Sims that really work for me at, you guessed it, Mech Sims. If I ever become wealthy I am going back and buying that X-box game with the special 40 button control panel (including a special eject button, which is the only way to survive your mech being blown up. Very important, since if your character dies, his file is deleted and you have to start from the beginning). But even just a good quality Joystick and Mechwarrior Mercs 4 will keep me entertained for hours. When they finally come out with Mechwarrior 5, I will be excited.

They are doing Mechwarrior 5, right?

Right?

... right?