Nerds say the darnest things

... And that's how I lost my cojoined twin...

• 29. I have recently begun a campaign to get myself into shape. I found out that in 30 minutes I can cycle (on an exercise bike I recently got) about 14 km. So from now on I am going to cycle every day, adding .1 of a kilometer every day, so it gradually increases. I give it two months before I give up on this.

To those of you uninitiated, I give you, Bash.Org. Type it in, and enjoy.

It is a collection of internet chat quotes ranging from the random, to the inane, to the genuinely witty, to the metahumourish. Here are a collection from the top 100.

DeadMansHand: haha, last night, me and pete went out to celebrate his engagement and got hugely drunk
DeadMansHand: we got this great idea to bury eachother in the sand close to the water and see who would chicken out first
DeadMansHand: took about a half hour, but the water got up to my face so i freaked and got out
DeadMansHand: i looked around for pete and he must've chickened out before me and stumbled home or something heh
DeadMansHand: What'd he say when he woke up this morning?
Thirteen-: uhh.. he hasn't come home yet.. i thought he was staying with you?DeadMansHand: holy fuck.
DeadMansHand: i fucking hope im wrong about what im thinking right now
DeadMansHand: im fucking going back to the beach to make sure
DeadMansHand: if he gets home, call me, i don't want to be worrying about this
Thirteen-: will do. you better hope he's not still buried, you'll be in deep shit.
quit: (DeadMansHand)
Tyran: wtf? pete came home last night you fuck. Ken's going to be worrying about this shit all day
Thirteen-: haha yea, but it will be fun while it lasts
join: (PeteRepeat) (bob@3F8C4655.11D1C8C.18637D35.IP)
PeteRepeat: fucking ken
PeteRepeat: ken... that fucker buried me in the sand last night, i ran off about 5 minutes to it, left him there to be an idiot
quiqsilver: pete, ken didn't come back last night, i thought he was with you.
PeteRepeat: oh fuck.
PeteRepeat: if ken shows up, make sure he doesn't know that im at the beach digging for his body. i don't want him to think i care or anything.
quit: (PeteRepeat)
Thirteen-: rofl. Those 2 are going to get a huge surprise when they meet at the beach.
Tyran: i can't beleive how perfect their timing was

anamexis: oh man
anamexis: I was opening a coke, right
--> Beefpile (~mbeefpile@cloaked.wi.rr.com) has joined #themacmind
anamexis: and it exploded
anamexis: ALMOST all over my keyboard
anamexis: but I got it away just in time
-- Beefpile has quit (sick fuckers)
anamexis: :<

DragonflyBlade21: A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.

Night-hen-gayle: I gotta go. There's a dude next to me and he's watching me type, which is sort of starting to creep me out. Yes dude next to me, I mean you.

JonTG: Man, my penis is so big if I laid it out on a keyboard it'd go all the way from A to Z
JonTG: wait, shit

[TN]FBMachine: i got kicked out of barnes and noble once for moving all the bibles into the fiction section

Alright, now that my job has been done for me by a website, I'm going to go plan the two Halloween costumes I need this week.

50 posts, and I'm running out of things to say

... I spat the drink out, starring incredulously at the bartender. "What did you say was in this!?" I demanded, to which he replied innocently "Vodka and urine, mate. Don't worry, it's not mine." "Oh, that's ok then" I said, sipping what was left in the glass.

• 15. One of the first things that really brought to my attention the differences between Australia, England and America are the comedians. While there are obvious examples outside the box, the large majority I've observed follow a simple pattern. American comedians get by through wacky antics, Australian comedians usually have a certain energy and eagerness, and English comedians usually act more reserved. The funny thing about me noticing all this is I can't deliver a joke for shit.

So, 50 posts. And of them probably half actually have a point, of those half probably deliver their point well, and of those probably none are relevant or interesting.

So, I finally jumped on the bandwagon and joined facebook. Since I find myself so far behind the curve, I'm left wondering what sort of social mores and rules exist, and very hesitant to break them.

Who am I supposed to add as a friend? Just close acquaintences? People who I'd be willing to buy a drink? People who I once did that awkward "nearly-walked-into-you-but-stopped-in-time-so-I'll-go-left-but-oh-ho-you-went-that-way-too-I'll-go-right-and-hey-you-went-right-too" dance with in the street and never have seen again? Apparently my brother has upward of 300 people on Facebook, and says he probably wouldn't recognise half of them for a good minute if he met them a second time. Am I allowed to add hot women I've met in a class at Uni and never talked with again, to try and trick my friends into thinking everyone I know is a babe?

What about wall comments and private messages? Are they to be used in an email-like fashion (Dear XYZ, regarding your message of August the 16th, 'yes'. Sincerely, Stephen) or should I be adopting an instant messenger-like premise? (Three thousand messages, half of which consist of "lol im in ur noun verbing ur noun")

Apparently my lack of profile picture is an evil act falling somewhere between murder and hosting late night quiz shows, but the only picture of me on the internet lacks pants, which in itself provides a moral dilemma. No picture, or low quality nude shot?

How often am I supposed to change my status? Is it only for dire situations (Stephen is bleeding profusely) or should I just put in whatever I feel like? (10:15 - Stephen is itchy in the crotch. 10:16 - Stephen is scratching his crotch. 10:18 - Stephen is wondering if he needs to see a doctor. 10:22 - Stephen is calling that nasty skank who gave him this.)

What is the ettiquete? I'm a nerd, I'm supposed to have an instinctive knowledge of this rubbish?

A little tomnerdery

... And that, dear friends, is why I am legally obliged to wear a belt at all times. The judge was lenient, though, and made that the only condition of my release.

• 7. I HATE styrofoam (however it's spelt). I HATE it, and refuse to touch it if at all possible. I don't know why, it just gives me the bloody creeps.

Just a short post today, nerdlingers. I wish to share two seperate things with you.

Firstly, an amusing concept that shows nerdism can extend BEYOND the simple elements of the visual. Nerdcore is a relatively common type of music, now. An excellent example of it is his: http://www.myspace.com/manfactory Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's a series of songs ALL ABOUT STREET FIGHTER.

Look up nerdcore, and you'll find bands named after Star Wars things (such as Nerf Herder) or even things as bizarre as the Aquabats.

Most of them aren't my style, but still, it's nice to know that nerds have infiltrated every facet of civilisation. Soon we will be ready to revolt and take over.

Secondly, if you ignore the odd facepaint, there are a semi-amusing youtube series of videos on Youtube done by someone calling himself "Captain Dissillusioned". Basically he's the voice of reason for videos, though not done maliciously. He showed how they actually pulled off the famous youtube "Guy catches glasses with face" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-prfAENSh2k), all the while acknowledging how much work must've gone into it. Read up about him here: http://www.youtube.com/user/CaptainDisillusion.

P.S. I just made up the word in the title. Tomnerdery. It's like Tomfoolery, except with nerds rather then fools. I kinda like it.

Am I not geeky enough?

So out of the bathroom charges the drunken man I'd ASSUMED to be the boyfriend, toga completely askew, both reddened nipples showing, waving around a baton slurring "Shtop in the name of the lawsh!" Which particular plural of laws he was refering to, was a question I asked myself as I fled as fast as my clown shoes allowed.

I read through some of my previous posts, and while they're geeky nothing jumps out to me as being geekier then socially acceptable (except posting up character concept stuff). So, in order to rectify this I am going to be so meta-social-analysis you will either become hard (if you're a lady)/moist (if you're a man)* or you will hunt me down and stab me with a brick, just to teach me a lesson.

Yes friends, today I am being... Retro geek. And not in the cool "ha ha, I have a T-shirt with original Doom sprites on it" way, but in the "not yet old enough to be retro" way.

I am going to talk, non-ironically, about Pirates and Ninjas.

When discussing the Pirate V Ninja conflict, there are a couple of assumptions one has to make.

1. We are talking about the fantasy conceptions of these characters. The Ninja is a master of the oriental arts of flipping out and killing things, who can hide in a white room with nothing in it, all the while being a mammal. The Pirate is a swashbuckler who swings from ropes and lands exactly where needed, can outfight a dozen swordsmen all the while making love to the governors daughter and sailing his ship away, despite his ship and his port being on opposite sides of the town.

2. BOTH are the fantasy conceptions. Saying the fantasy Ninja can outfit a bunch of deck rats is pointless, and of course the mystical Swashbuckler can outfit peasents who's greatest ability is hiding among other peasents.

3. Both know the other is there, and it's a purely hand to hand combat battle. The Ninja's traditional strength is stealth and sneaky assassination, I know, but were he to do that to the Pirate, it'd be over before you can say "Watch out, a Mammal's coming!" Also, the pirate's main advantage over a Ninja would be their ship filled with GIANT CANNONS. Even a Ninja would struggle to survive a cannon ball to the hull of the rowboat they're going out to the ship on. So, for the sake of fairness, it's a reasonably even fight.

4. It's not a plain battlefield. Pirates are masters of dirty fighting, and anyone who's seen a hong-kong martial arts action movie knows that it's not martial arts unless they're using the environment to fight. So, we'll have them fight on the deck of an abandoned ship, so they both have stuff to play with.

5. Hitting below the belt IS allowed.

Ok, so, who would win?

Obviously the the winner is the internet nerds having a great time debating the eventual outcome, until some wanker comes along and says something stupid believing he's funny. For the record, the following statements count as 'wanker fodder'.

"The Robot I send in wins, obviously"
"McGuyver"
"Chuck Norris kicks both their arses"
"hay guys check this link LOL I ROLLRICK'D YOU!"
"Wolverine kicks both their arses"
"I'm the Goddamned Batman!"


* Yes, that was deliberate. HA HA. Pseudo humour.